by Leo Volont » Tue Sep 12, 2017 1:01 am
Hi Midaz
Yes, I understand that you are struggling to accept the facts of your girlfriend’s colorful and racy past (and nowadays, aren’t we all?) but you did not mention actually having a big problem with actual Anger. So I will ask. Have you had ‘scenes’ with your girlfriend in which you threw it in her face that she was morally tainted, or however you would have expressed your judgmental concerns? THAT would be a Real Problem. But if all you have is misgivings, then that is really not such a huge problem. In fact, it is only healthy to let your mind look at a situation without too much Self Interested Filtering. Yes, it would be nice, in a way, to Turn Off any doubts or concerns about our Relationship Partners and instead to Project upon them an Aura of Perfection, so that we could Imagine ourselves Completely Happy and Secure with them. A lot of Guys actually DO That, but then they are Crushed later by Disillusioning Disappointments and what they perceive as Betrayals of their Trust. .
For instance, your Girlfriend had a number of past relationships and she was even Married, BUT, now she says that she was “never in love with any of them”, but she says that she Loves You, which implies that for some inexplicable reason you are different than all other men of your Species. Of course, if you think about that objectively it would seem most implausible. Perhaps she can SAY that she never loved any of those other men because she is of the temperament to EASILY FORGET why she Loves different Men. If you were to think this, well, OF COURSE you could have a very valid concern in wondering just how easily it would be for her to FORGET why she ever loved you. You can imagine her telling her next Romantic Captive that she never loved you.
Of course, then we must consider the Source and Reason for Romantic Love. Mostly “Love” is driven by neuro-bio-chemical processes. We ‘imprint’ on somebody because of Opportunity and Availability and hormones are released which causes a kind of Mating Fixation. It is all rather Primal and Animal. They call it ‘romantic’ but that is really a huge Euphemism for such a Barnyard Process. Now both a lot of Men and Women get accustomed to the High of Falling and Being in Love(what Animal Behaviorists would call Imprinting and Bonding) . But the Pumping Hormones of the Bio-Process don’t pump forever. Today’s Conquest is tomorrow’s Ball and Chain. So often Men will engage in Serial Love Affairs, often being satisfied with One Night Stands and then moving on. Women often seem to require a Full and Unconditional Surrender in their Men, that is, they will take it all the way to the Altar before they finally back off. So it is that a great many more Wives than Husbands initiate Divorce proceedings (69% of Divorces are instigated by Wives, but when it comes to pre-marital breakups, it comes up virtually even. So we can conclude generally that Women want that Ring before they run). But in the case of both these types of Men and types of Women, permanence does not really seem a viable option. They will move on, sooner or later.
So, if you have been making ugly scenes, well, of course here at the Anger Management Page we can help you with that –giving you tips on how to maintain a civilized decorum while you are in your relationship.
But I would wonder at whether we would actually be serving you well if we could imagine some way we could convince you to let down all your guards and settle into your relationship with a perfect peace of mind. Yes, it would be very relaxing. But there would be a strong likelihood that your Mental Turmoil was just being deferred off to some point in the Future, and likely the Near Future. Perhaps the best Compromise would be for you to take all the right precautions, that is to keep your bank accounts and credit lines separate from hers, and postpone any actual legally binding marriage until Forever. That is you should recognize that this Relationship is certainly only temporary and enjoy it while it lasts. But keep your eyes open for a convenient bail out circumstance. For instance, if you meet a another woman who has a steadier History, maybe one who has Loved before but can actually SAY that she was in Love before but it ended in a disappointing manner, and that she is ready to love again. I would toss aside your present Jezebel in a second to get a shot at the better woman. Indeed, here at Anger Management we KNOW of people who have been Sincerely in Love but ruined their Relationships because of their Anger Issues. And if these people can learn how to Live without Anger, then they would be Perfect for a Steady Monogamous Relationships.
So, make the most of what you have now, but keep your eyes open. Now you are having Fun, but you would trade all that in a heartbeat for a Real Happy Committed Relationship, wouldn’t you?
But I am still concerned that you thought this an Anger Problem. Remember, that while we can make Decisions based on maximizing our own Happiness and minimizing our own risks for Misery, whether economic or social-emotional, we still must maintain an aspect of civility and decorum. While you are in this Relationship with you present Girlfriend, even while suspecting it of being very temporary because of her propensity for wandering away to greener pastures, you should be uniformly pleasant. Even on the day that she tells you that “It is not your fault. It’s just that we have grown apart”, or whatever the kids say nowadays, have the emotional presence of mind to say “Oh, my. This comes as a surprise (you can say that, but, yeah, not really, huh?). I suppose I will have to find a way to carry on. But, yes, I wish you the best of luck, and I do hope we can be friends. Every once in a while drop me a line and let me know how you’re doing. I wish you the best of luck”. If you can do that, you don’t have an Anger Problem.