by BriKH » Thu Oct 19, 2017 2:27 am
Hey guys, like everyone, I am grateful that I have found a support group like this. Especially while going through my similar relationship anxiety that has made me look up things on google, triggering worse anxiety when I see the title "how to know you need to break up" and terrible, misguided things like that.
Background: I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years now, lived together for about 10 months. A few weeks ago I have had these thoughts that I don't know if I love my boyfriend anymore. The timeline of this (and leading up to, not sure if all is connected [some could be just normal stressful thoughts]) anxiety has been:
-becoming super insecure about knowing if my boyfriend wants to marry me anymore (we have always talked about getting married; about 4 months into our relationship. If it wasn't for our age and finances [now 20] we would be married, there's more behind this, but I'll save it for another post if anyone is interested)
-not being able to get the reassuring that I think I needed (I don't think I let on how much this was affecting me, plus this was a stressful time for both of us (outside stress), and it's not uncommon for my bf to feel emotionally blocked)
-becoming terrified that I'm annoyed by him because I couldn't sleep when he was slightly snoring (from my childhood I used to hear my dad snore [emotionally abusive dad] and couldn't stand snoring most of my life. Whenever he's made noises sleeping previously, I've prided myself on never being annoyed)
-becoming terrified that we have lost our spark. Trying to deal with this myself by picking random times looking at him, trying to create that "warm/loving" feeling in my chest that DID still happen to me looking back. Now this has just become a tight pain in my chest
-thinking I don't love my boyfriend, then reflecting on our relationship thinking I never loved him?!?
-constantly analyzing things he's doing, him acting fun and silly became triggers for my anxiety, comparing us to other relationships in my life wishing we should be "happier" like them
-constantly feeling anxiety no matter where I am, always having thoughts about him that cause anxiety
I am currently seeing a councilor, I don't know if she's helping or if she has an approach I want. Up until now, I have had a wonderfully happy relationship. We have been through a ton, and I have never doubted us (even when he did and he broke up with me this time last year for a few weeks; more him dealing with outside stress. FYI he has assured me it was the biggest mistake). I have told him everything, and he empathizes and wants to do better by me because of the funk he was going through. I don't want to brake up with him, but all my thoughts lead me to "that" answer. I'm terrified these thoughts has ruined a relationship I very much want to last forever. I do love him, but when anxiety hits, it's almost impossible to tell myself otherwise. Sorry if this is all over the place, I just need people I can relate with and vent to, hopefully lol.