Hello forum (wall of text, tl;dr at the bottom),
Quick info about me: your casual 20 y/o male college student from Greece with ADHD who is more unsocial than his own well being. ( Also english is not my native language so excuse any mistakes )
I'm writing this post cause I think I have a problem and I have no solution to it but to ask for help. A little over 2 months ago my parents and I decided to rent an apartment for me close to my school (it took me around 3 hours using public transit to get there). On our second visit to the house, after having already done the proper paperwork with the owner, my mother and I were bringing supplies (food, a laptop, clothes etc.).
Note: the apartment is a little over 1 metre above the ground so my balcony is really not that tall.
We left the window open to have fresh air while we did our stuff when suddenly a pure albino cat enters through the window walking slowly and pridefuly across the room. Me and my mother were taken aback by such delightful ignorance of a creature walking into unknown territory without a hint of fear or doubt. I immediately motioned it towards me, it gladly approached me and I started petting it, even lifting it onto my lap. We tried asking around neighbors if anyone knows whose this cat is but noone claimed it his.
Long story short: My mother tried to object, she failed and here I am with my new pet!
I soon found out that there was one more cat wandering around the block with no place to call home so I took that one in as well. This one was a mix of black and white but just as cute.
All was well and I discovered a bit about the personality of the 2 cats: the white one was playful, was not afraid to jump anywhere she could to find food and was rather aggressive when it came to her hunger being unsatisfied. The partly-black one was a really scared cat, propably got abused by its previous owner or kicked around by children or something similarly awful.
Fast forward a month or so, I'm enjoying the undergraduate life when I decide to get some cookies to eat. I pop open the cookie jar (shut up) and i go sit on my bed to watch some american dad on my laptop when the white cat eagerly jumps on the bed wanting a treat. I refused to give her one, so I just kept eating them and watchin the cartoon when she suddenly snatched claws first on my hand and bit it so hard I actually squealed in response. I acted instinctively, grabbed her by the throat and threw her across the room on the couch. She quickly regained her composure and rushed behind the wardrobe out of fear. I then was overwhelmed by this strange urge to get up, grab her and make her suffer. Not kill her, I just felt like causing her immense pain and watching her reaction. Fortunately I dismissed the urge and picked her up to check if she was hurt, Thankfully she was ok, just shocked.
However, after this particular event, I have been feeling an increasingly overwhelming urge to cause that cat pain. Note that I dont feel anything towards the black one or any other animal small or big, just the white one. Once when I was eating, it jumped onto the table trying to force itself into my plate. I quickly grabbed it and was unsure how to respond. A normal person would have removed it from the room to eat safely but I felt like my sanity went out the window for a couple of moments. Instead, I put her in my wardrobe and closed the doors, putting a heavy bag on the handle so she cant force it open.
(Please please please note that literary SUFFER while typing this,if I was the one reading what I just said I would immediately consider them a psychopath, which I sincerely I hope im not.)
So I continued my meal while she was meowing for help and I felt such content listening to her desperate cries, but it makes me SICK just thinking about it.
Several less severe incidents happened, including one time I threw the cat out on the balcony while it was heavy raining and just watched it claw at the glass to get in while crying made me feel such.... satisfaction.
Please also note that i absolutely love both her and the black, shy one, but when the white one does stuff like jump on the kitchen table, bite my hand if im eating something, pee and poop in my bathtub,claw at the black one when they are trying to eat from the same bowl my common sense is thrown out the window and I just want to cause it harm and watch its helpless face suffer.
TL;DR rented apartment, adopt 2 stray cats, one of them is the happiest cat you have ever seen, but when it hurts me or does stuff like poo in my bathtub i want to hurt it
Any kind of help or feedback is hugely appreciated. Im so ashamed of this side of me that I havent even told my psychologist.