another in a long line of mistakes..?

**Posts:** 50 · by **Artfarts** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 5:52 am

Not sure exactly where to start.
Hope you guys don't mind me having a bit of a whining session here; just have nowhere else to take it at the moment.

I feel as though I have done nothing but make stupid mistakes ever since I had the idiotic idea of being born. (Then again, that might have been one of my parent's stupid ideas... one that they've had plenty of occasion to regret since..). Writing this self pitying drivel is probably another, but f*ck it.

Well, about 7 months ago I split up with my partner; we were very much the inseparable couple in everything. A house, plans for babies, a business, etc etc. Except that he was incapable of telling the truth about his addiction to heroin and crack, and (probably as a result of my turning a blind eye to it) had little or no respect for me. Still, he loved me to distraction and he did show me that in many ways.

I have suffered from depression most of my life. At times I can have a relatively normal life, even seem very motivated and elated. At these times I seem to attract and inspire people (god knows why). Things started going horribly wrong after I fell for my ex. I was doing a degree in Graphic design/illustration; went off to new york right after 9/11 to work in industry for 7 months then returned to the uk. Was already pretty f***ed up with depression at that point after having an accident that left me on crutches for several months, my boyfriend hassling me on the phone all the time (I am much more of an independent person than he is) and a friend over there falling for me and then deciding I'd deliberately ruined his life...
the work placements didn't go that well either, since I was feeling so shitty.
I know it's horrendous to go to New York at a time like that and be so self absorbed, but what can I say..? I'm a self obsessed cow.

Anyway, I got back to discover my ex had bought a house in a different city from the one i was studying in . He also had been doing industrial amounts of hard drugs. So I moved with him. This meant (on top of having to be there for him 24/7) that I had to travel to my college once or twice a week. I hardly saw my tutors, had little access to facilities and very little money. Obviously, I messed my degree up royally as a result.

Months later I split with my ex while visiting my sister, who had just had a baby. I had reached the end of my tether, couldn't stand being held down any more, even though I loved him. I was able to throw myself into rebuilding my life: working three jobs, going out, saving up... I decided to leave the country, go to New Zealand and start a new life. I met a lot of great people while I was doing all of this, and was on a big buzz. (Throughout my life I have moved many times: I am much more comfortable not being settled for long!)

The only thing was, I didn't have a great deal of time to try and work on my portfolio, which I really had to do to ever get a job in design. When I'd picked up my stuff from my ex's place, a box with all my best photographic work went missing, and my ex refuses to tell me if it's still there.
So, I figured, I'd try and pull it all together when I got there: just concentrate on saving and getting my head together. I did pull off a big photo project just before leaving, but it was exhausting.

Well, I write this from New Zealand. I've been here for three days. It's dark and windy. I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I look at what work I have and it looks pathetic and amateurish. I can't afford to fall into a big black hole and yet that's exactly what I'm doing. I am 31 years old and know that there are many talented, young graduates already here. There is little in the way of access to art facilities even if I was to do something new from scratch.
I think I've really f***ed up, but there's no way out. I just want to cease to exist or something. I feel like I've been working blindly for years, almost like a way of avoiding being depressed, and as a result have ended up here with nothing to show for it but a big pile of mince and a tedious line in self pity.
I really want to be a worthwhile human being who can contribute something to the world, but... I'm too sh*t.

I don't know what do do now.

Have I hurt my ex so badly for nothing..?

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 11:40 am

Hi jazbug5

Welcome to the forum - it's a good place to have a jolly good whinge and maybe get some ideas to improve things too.

There's probably better ways to avoid depression than by working blindly, so I hope you give that a miss in your new life in NZ! You already noted that you tend to focus on yourself a lot of the time, and to do so very negatively ('nothing but stupid mistakes', 'self-obsessed cow', 'too sh*t'), so it's not surprisng that you don't feel too great! On top of that you have landed in a new country and your future looks pretty uncertain...

Where to start?

Make contact. It might seem daunting, but it's imperative to build up connections with people. Lots of people emigrate to NZ, there must be clubs and organisations and networks that you can join. If religious groups are your thing, they are an excellent way to get started in a new community. If not, look for shared interest groups of some kind. Talk to people on the street! Even though you feel dreadful, there are plenty of kind, welcoming people out there. Gather your scraps of bravery and find them.

While you're doing that, stay connected with us here, and we'll do our best to offer support!

Best of luck

Kathleen

**Posts:** 33 · by **alternative** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 1:10 pm

It's impressing how you went through so much with such determination. UC, New york, New Zeland, crack ex, and working your but off all the time. You really should be very proud of yourself for eving getting this far.

Although it seems like you got yourself to nowhere with this new beginning, you first of all ARE in New Zeland. I can only imagine the country. And then, you're not starting it all completely over, you're already 31 and lived a long history of events. You KNOW how to live right this time. You know who is the better man to choose now (if you decide to have another chance at family life), and you definately know much better how to make the best deceision. People like you do great in the rest of their lives.

As kfeudolof said, get involved in something. Meet new people, make more friends. We can only help you so much on the internet, but we can't hug you when you need a hug, and can't really calm you down when you're in a bad mood.

Just don't give up. You've gone this far, why should you go "I don't know what to do

" now? Keep trying to get your dream job. Perhaps it will require getting that dregree, and probably some more work on your portfolio. You've ought to get it sooner or later.

If you're really low on money, ever tried growing things? You'd be surprised how much benefit a few chikens in the back-yard could make. It's realy fun too, I know people that grow tomatoes, cucambers, grapes and two apple trees, strawbury, a bunch of chickens + rooster, and a cow in their back yard. They only need to go to the grocery a couple times int the winter, and live a great life with lots fun int the back-yard.

Ther's still stuff you could do, there really is. Don't quit now.

**Posts:** 245 · by **Juno** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 6:04 pm

Hi Jazbug 5

Welcome to NZ! It's not such a bad place once you settle in ... send me a pm and let me know at least which city you're in and I'll have some suggestions for contacts (my industry is affiliated with yours).

Don't give up, you're doing fine. No-one feels good 3 days into a new country, everyone wonders if they've done the right thing.

Hear from you -
Juno

**Posts:** 50 · by **Artfarts** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:31 am

Thanks kfedouloff, alternative and juno

for taking the time to reply. What you have said makes a lot of sense. I'm feeing quite a bit better already: lots to do to try and pick up and get where i need to , but a bit more hopeful. Well, my body's telling me I've been up all night and I'm not doing a very good job of fighting it, so I'd better go before I dribble all over my laptop.
Just wanted to say thanks. Will keep visiting the forum...

Cheers,

J

**Posts:** 50 · by **Artfarts** » Thu Jul 22, 2004 11:49 am

Hello everyone;

I just want to let you know that life has improved immeasurably since I wrote a month ago. You were all so helpful: I felt like I had no hope and that I should just kill myself... I actually found myself egging myself on to jump in front of trucks.
I didn't, and for the days that were the darkest, your responses helped me get through. Juno in particular and maybe (sorry I've not written lately) were really supportive away from the board.
And I've made it.
I have not only started to feel better, (I'm going to swimming and Ju Jitsu classes) but today I got offered a job as an account manager/designer at a place I started at three days ago just for a bit of work experience, after offering to work for nothing. I genuinely thought I'd have to struggle for years to get any kind of job in the industry, but it feels like this has fallen into my lap.
I'm scared, :shock:

(but very grateful to have been proved wrong.
It just goes to show- you never know what's round the corner!
Thanks again everyone.... I really don't know what I would have done without you and these boards. :lol:

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Thu Jul 22, 2004 4:40 pm

Hey jazbug, that's great!

Good luck in your new job, and drop by with us from time to time! No need to wait for a "problem" - this is a good place to discuss how we can live a better balanced life!

Kathleen

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