permastoned

if you dont mind me asking, when did you start smoking?

I really can relate to what you are saying. I so wish that all of us could get together in one room and talk till we were blue in the face. I felt and feel so much of what you talk about. For some of us it can take much longer then others. I know how mad you must feel, when people after days and weeks proclaim how good they feel. It took a solid year for me, to rid myself of the useless,hopeless,empty,unhappy,depressing,etc., feelings. I thought that when I quit God would be so happy that I rid myself of a dependency to a drug, that overnight I would be happy and healthy. I too prayed that things would improve. I too wanted the misery to end. I couldn't end my life, but I prayed that I would not wake up. It has been 21 months for me, and although my life is 95% better, I still have some problems. I'm still not as energetic as I once was, I still can not motivate myself to get things done. To this day the alarm goes off in the morning, and I just say to myself"Oh God I really don't want to get up"! The only thing I can tell you is that you have to keep going, do not go back to pot it will not help, and keep the faith. God has a reason. I believe He does not want to see us unhappy or suffer, but there is some kind of lesson we must learn from our past actions. Things will get better slowly. That was part of my problem too. I wanted to feel better now. But if you do have faith and a belief in God, know that it is on His time not ours. If I would have had an easy time after quitting I would not be typing to you right now. Because I struggled so much, I was constantly on the computer, looking for answers and help. I felt like I was the only one who quit and did not reap the benefits of quitting. My life was so much happier when I was smoking. As I struggled I thought, why am I doing this, I am just so miserable and depressed. But I knew if I didn't endure and slowly get through this, I would just have to relive the misery again someday. WE can thank God for two things, that we are able to endure,even though it would have been easier to just go back to smoking, and thank God we didn't have to hit rock bottom before we quit. We chose to quit, it's not like we got busted and we were court ordered to quit. You and I, if someone had forced us to quit, we would constantly be thinking we were suffering because it was not our choice. We know better,we chose. Why must we suffer longer then others? Only God knows. But I know we made the right choice. Even though things are not perfect (they never really are),they will get better. Giving up and going back,would just defeat the progress that we have made. Gosh I hope I made sense to you, and I hope I helped even a little. It would be so much easier to express more to you face to face. But I'm grateful for this forum, to be able to express at all. At least be grateful that you even have the will to sit and type your thoughts. I know how easy it is to sit and think about all the things that aren't right. Stop and think of some of the improvements you have recieved. Even if they are just little ones, they are there for you to build on. I pray that some of my words give you even a little encouragement to keep fighting and living for the day that will make you be grateful for quitting pot. Take care of yourself, I hope we talk(type) again soon. Peace,peace and the will to endure, I pray you recieve. Love and peace to all.

thanks for your response flowerchild, its just so difficult for me because i constantly feel stoned. even as i type this, i feel stoned and stupid and i dont know how much longer i can take feeling this way. i think one difference between you and me is that i dont have any temptation to go back to smoking whatsoever. i hate marijuana now, i hate it so much for what it did to me and how it tricked me into thinking it wasn't bad at first. i think one difference between getting addicted to marijuana vs some other drug is with marijuana its so easy to lie to yourself and say "it's only weed" , whereas i dont think i would have let myself become addicted to other drugs because of the perceived consequences. i dont understand how some people can smoke weed everyday for twice as long as i did and claim no negative affects while my life is ruined. looking back on my time smoking cannabis, i see what an immense amount of problems it caused me. hundreds of panick attacks, anxiety, paranoia, psychrotic experiences, etc. but my solution was always to smoke more weed instead of quitting to let myself get better. looking back on it, it seems i would have to have insane to continue smoking. it's like the drug took over mind and turned me into a completely different person. i know that when i first started, i only wanted to try marijuana, then i liked it so much but i planned to only smoke on the weekends. but one high never lasted long enough, which meant i had to cihain smoke on the weekends. but after a weekend of chain smoking, i would feel so depressed and out on sorts on monday when i had to stop smoking. id feel depression and despersonalization and the only thing which made me feel better was more smoking and thats how i started smoking every day. once i got stoned, the stoned me didn't care about any limits the sober me had set for myself. and i let the stoned me take over and run my life and all he cared about doing was getting stoned.

Modus Ponens wrote:thanks for your response flowerchild, its just so difficult for me because i constantly feel stoned. even as i type this, i feel stoned and stupid and i dont know how much longer i can take feeling this way. i think one difference between you and me is that i dont have any temptation to go back to smoking whatsoever. i hate marijuana now, i hate it so much for what it did to me and how it tricked me into thinking it wasn't bad at first. i think one difference between getting addicted to marijuana vs some other drug is with marijuana its so easy to lie to yourself and say "it's only weed" , whereas i dont think i would have let myself become addicted to other drugs because of the perceived consequences. i dont understand how some people can smoke weed everyday for twice as long as i did and claim no negative affects while my life is ruined. looking back on my time smoking cannabis, i see what an immense amount of problems it caused me. hundreds of panick attacks, anxiety, paranoia, psychrotic experiences, etc. but my solution was always to smoke more weed instead of quitting to let myself get better. looking back on it, it seems i would have to have insane to continue smoking. it's like the drug took over mind and turned me into a completely different person. i know that when i first started, i only wanted to try marijuana, then i liked it so much but i planned to only smoke on the weekends. but one high never lasted long enough, which meant i had to cihain smoke on the weekends. but after a weekend of chain smoking, i would feel so depressed and out on sorts on monday when i had to stop smoking. id feel depression and despersonalization and the only thing which made me feel better was more smoking and thats how i started smoking every day. once i got stoned, the stoned me didn't care about any limits the sober me had set for myself. and i let the stoned me take over and run my life and all he cared about doing was getting stoned.

have you looked at my post relating to this on the interesting research thread.. have a look...
there is hope...
xxx

pheonix - i'm sorry i didn't reply to your first post in this thread, i was replying to flowerchild right before leaving for class tonight and i didn't have time. anyway, i only mention this because it always bothers me on a forum when i ask a question and get ignored, so i just want you to know i didn't mean to ignore you. anyway, i started smoking marijuana at age 18 but i didn't become addicted until i was 19. i then smoked virtually everyday for a little over a year before quitting dou to horrendous panic attacks, psychotic experiences and physical side affects. i actually relasped 6 months later, not because i wanted to smoke more weed but because i was so screwed up from smoking weed that i (stupidly) thought smoking more weed was the only way to fix the problem. of course, this only made thigns worse. i had more panic attacks and eventually, my last experience with cannabis ended up being a psychotic episode which lasted 3 days and is by far the most hellish thing i have ever experienced. i now have a burning hatred for marijuana and seek to educate others about its dangers.

anyway, i read your other post and i found this part particularly troubling:

"She recalls the anhedonia of some of her darkest moments when she sat down to listen to Elgar's Enigma variations and found to her horror that she was left completely unmoved by the hauntingly beautiful music she had always loved. "

i often feel this way myself. for example, i am a lover of classical music and i will listen to a peice by mozart or handel (two of my favorite composers) and i will be able to hear how beautiful and intricate and graceful it is, yet it will fail to move me emotionally how it once did. same thing with looking at a sunset or up at the night sky, i can see the beauty and i can think about the awe and wonder i used to feel when looking up at the sky but i can no longer feel those emotions. its like my life has been sucked dry of all vitality and feeling. sometimes i often question whether or not am i dead. not physically dead but spiritually dead.

Modus Ponens wrote:pheonix - i'm sorry i didn't reply to your first post in this thread, i was replying to flowerchild right before leaving for class tonight and i didn't have time. anyway, i only mention this because it always bothers me on a forum when i ask a question and get ignored, so i just want you to know i didn't mean to ignore you. anyway, i started smoking marijuana at age 18 but i didn't become addicted until i was 19. i then smoked virtually everyday for a little over a year before quitting dou to horrendous panic attacks, psychotic experiences and physical side affects. i actually relasped 6 months later, not because i wanted to smoke more weed but because i was so screwed up from smoking weed that i (stupidly) thought smoking more weed was the only way to fix the problem. of course, this only made thigns worse. i had more panic attacks and eventually, my last experience with cannabis ended up being a psychotic episode which lasted 3 days and is by far the most hellish thing i have ever experienced. i now have a burning hatred for marijuana and seek to educate others about its dangers.

anyway, i read your other post and i found this part particularly troubling:

"She recalls the anhedonia of some of her darkest moments when she sat down to listen to Elgar's Enigma variations and found to her horror that she was left completely unmoved by the hauntingly beautiful music she had always loved. "

i often feel this way myself. for example, i am a lover of classical music and i will listen to a peice by mozart or handel (two of my favorite composers) and i will be able to hear how beautiful and intricate and graceful it is, yet it will fail to move me emotionally how it once did. same thing with looking at a sunset or up at the night sky, i can see the beauty and i can think about the awe and wonder i used to feel when looking up at the sky but i can no longer feel those emotions. its like my life has been sucked dry of all vitality and feeling. sometimes i often question whether or not am i dead. not physically dead but spiritually dead.

as u can see, there is research going on and there are other people that are going through the same thing as you and understand u. so there is hope... maybe try and do some research online and see if there are any people that specialise in it and new treatments, as you dont seem happy, we need to get it sorted..
xx

I've got to get to work, but I quickly wanted to post, to say I will check in this afternoon. Modus Ponens you are my main concern this morning, I know you feel spiritually dead, I know this because so was I. It can't and it won't last forever. I have so much more to say to you, but no time now. I will type to you later. Hang in there, take care. Love and Peace.

How long since you last smoked? I know going to my doctor and telling him everything, he warned me that all the effects of quitting marijuana can last a year or so. Everyone is different, but for me it was a good year before I felt normal again. Also I went on anti depressants for a little over a year. I know that is not the answer for everyone, but it helped me. If these awful feelings of yours persist, I would suggest going to a doctor and getting treated for depression. I know and understand your feelings of being dead inside. Last Oct. was our son's wedding, I could not even be happy about that. I put on my best smiley face and everyone thought I was fine, but on the inside I was dead! Oct. in Ohio is my favorite time of the year. The leaves are so many beautiful colors, the air smells wonderful, the days are warm and evening cool and clear. I could care less last year. I found no beauty or enjoyment. This year I am looking forward to the wonders of fall. I know what it's like to not enjoy life. I was that way all of 05. You need to get help if you have been pot free for a year or more. It just does not seem normal to have the feelings you still have. Take care, talk to you soon. Stay with us, we will continue to try and help, and give advice. LOVE and Peace

its been 11 months since the last time i smoked and even more than that since i was an every day smoker. i still feel as if i am under the influence of marijuana however. even as i type this, i can feel my heart beating. if i take my pulse it is 68, not abnromal but for some reason i can feel the constant sensation of my heart beating and it drives me nuts. today i skipped my first two classes and ended up sleeping until 4 o clock, i could have slept longer i think but i had really to go to my next class.

Okay the heart beating thing I can relate to. I notice the same thing with me, but I guess it doesn't bother me. Maybe we just never noticed it when we were high. In one of your post ,you talked about day dreaming, staring at nothing and thinking about nothing. That also happens to me off and on, but again I guess I just don't let it bother me. Now I was like you wanting to sleep and forget. You have to stop that. I forced myself to the things I had to do. I may not enjoyed them or wished I didn't have to, but I made myself. Just like your classes, you need to go. You may not enjoy the classes like you use to, but you got to get back to the things you normally did. Being alone,sleeping the day away, is only going to make it worse. M.D., this really sounds like severe depression, and I think you should seek medical help. Go and get a good physical, rule out things by having some blood work, check your thyroid, etc. Do something to try and end this misery, it's gone on too long. Please consider going to a doctor. If your worried about talking about giving up pot, don't bother bringing that up, just speak about your depression, fears and anxiety. Take care, I will keep you in my prayers, I promise. I'm here whenever you need to talk. Love and Peace

i went to the doctor and had a electrocardiogram to test my heart, blood work, a spirometry and a chest x-ray. they didn't find anything wrong with me, although i am going back for more tests at some point. i just haven't scheduled the visit yet because every time i think about doing it i think "meh, what's the point". im sure ill get around too it eventually though. anyway, i realize i need to get to class since this is my last year of college and i have to pass these classes in order to graduate. yesterday i got up 10 am and made it to all my classes but today i just felt so tired it didn't seem worth it.

back about my heart, whenever i stand up quickly especially after eating i feel my heart pounding. it drives me crazy because i feel like im going to have a heart attack but i never do. this was worse when i was stoned as postural hypotension is a known side of marijuana, however its not supposed to last beyond the time youre intoxicated.

The only thing I can even think to say after all this discussion of comparing withdrawls, and checking with a doctor on your health, is give it time. I'm really lost for comforting words and I feel like I didn't help you at all. Maybe with time things will improve. I thought I had it bad psychologically quitting pot, but your mental health seems to still be suffering. I guess you just have to keep up with your classes, and keep busy, and pray that things will improve soon. Stay in touch, take care, love and peace

Have you tried to cleanse your body? I know it's been a long time, but sometimes all it takes to kick your body up is to cleanse it. I'd give it a shot.

I've smoked before in the past, nothing heavy... I can count how many times I've smoked on both hands, but I do know the feeling you have. During my third semester at college I used to feel really tired and groggy. I guess it was all the food I ate along with being overloaded with work but I was simply tired.

I went to a local fitness shop and asked if they had anything to cleanse me out. They gave me some stuff, not exactly sure what it was, and after about two weeks I felt 100% more energetic and didn't feel like crap.

What else have ya got to lose?

flowerchild, its alright i dont really think anyone can help me. my only option is too keep on hoping that with time, i will heal. i'm thinking that maybe 10 or 15 years from now, if i'm still alive, i will feel better. its just really hard for me to accept that this my life now. its like im constantly asking myself "how did i get here? what made me smoke cannabis every single day? why did marijuana affect me like this when other people seem to recover from it so much more quickly?". i think i am someone who should never smoked marijuana. it never affected me like other people, in the beginning it was total heaven. i would become completely absorbed in the experience of inner bliss and sensual enjoyment is provided me with. then all too soon, it would wear off and id go smoke another. is this what is like for you? then when it began to affect me badly, giving me a racing heart and panic attacks and psychotic episodes, i simply couldn't let go of it because i had gotten to the point where i couldn't envision life without it. unfortunately, life without it is 1000x times easier than my cannabis addled mind would have me believe and i really wish i had quit as soon as things started to go wrong instead of smoking for a whole other year and destroying my mental health and damaging my physical health. i also have a lot of anger towards pro marijuana websites and individuals because part of what allowed me to smoke so much was whenever my consciouss would tell me i needed to stop, id say to myself "its only marijuana, what's the worst that could happen if i keep smoking?" well the worst that could happen is prettty darn bad.