I have a friend with depression

**Posts:** 3 · by **Veeg** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 6:09 am

She lives pretty chaotically. Her dad beat her when she was little. Her sister has survived a deadly disease. Her mother puts her down. She no longer enjoys the company of her friends. Her best friends mother is an alcoholic. My friend is also a cutter and often comes to me for support when she has a problem. I am now in a weird position as one of the only people she will talk to about this stuff. I need to know what I can do. I have suggested therapy or talking to counslers but she does not want to do anything. I have seen on here that people suggest excersize but she is an asthmatic. Please help.

**Posts:** 3 · by **Veeg** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 6:43 am

She says she cuts herself cause its a pain she can control unlike emotional pain. She also feels relieved after she does it too.

**Posts:** 3 · by **Veeg** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 7:22 am

She cries everynight and sees no reason for waking up in the morning. She has attempted suicide once before, maybe twice.

**Posts:** 116 · by **tagfat** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 8:19 am

Veeg.
Again im going to suggest that depression is not what is at heart of these issues but rather emotional vulnerabillity and emotional dysregulation.

Having a sister with serious health issues tend to deprive a child of needed energy and attention. Having "unballanced" (to say the least) parrents does not make the situation better. Growing up in a harzardous and poisonous enviroment will often leave you with the emotional equivalent of a 3. degree burn-wound: Someone who will experience all touching as painfull and who will apply desperate meashures to manage their pain.
Often there is failure on the part of the family to teach their child to manage emotions by anything but the crudest methods and most succumb to methods of regulation that are very effective but selfdestructive to the extreme. Self cutting and other para-suicical behaviors are common amung theese victims. So is alcohol or drugabuse.

What can you do?

You can do a lot but it will probably be an extremely frustrating process and one whrere you will have to learn from failures rather than from succes.
Having at least one safe relationship will mean a lot to her and will be a stabilising factor for her.

Do you want to do more? How exactly do your se your role in this relationshop? How many resources can you apply to this?

Exercise is fine but just one of a host of strategies that can be applied. There is a very accessable book on skillstraining by Scott E. Spradlin, "Dont let your emotions run your Life" which is based on the principles and methods of "Dialectical Behaviour Therapy".

Some of the discussion in this thread might apply

http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=1406

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 9:01 pm

Hi Veeg - welcome!

Your friend is very lucky to have someone like you - but it can also be a serious burden, so you must look after yourself even while you try to help. Would your friend be willing to join this forum? There have been several threads already about cutting, so she would find she is not entirely alone in this. Other cutters have given a similar explanation to the one your friend gives.

I think tagfat's description is a helpful one - it's like have a third degree burn!

Kathleen

I have a friend with depression

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