This may sound silly, but I feel really embarassed writing this, maybe I'm not used to opening up to strangers about my problems? This is the first time I've really ever spoken aloud what I feel on the inside.
I've been browsing over your site the past week, and the information is great; I relate greatly to all the symptoms of low self confidence, self conciousness, social disorder, and lack of social skills.
I'll start off by saying this...... I was abused as a child. That's the first time I've ever told anyone outside my family this. I realize from reading your site that the key is to put these thoughts aside, and move on, but this is extremely difficult for me. My father was both physically and emotionally abusive. He constantly put me down and insult me. Many days I was in tears locked away in my room.
This had a dramatic effect on my social skills. From the first day of school up until grade three, I never spoke to anyone, ever. I only whispered (yes whispered) to those who I had a slight friendship with, never spoke aloud unless it was to an authority figure (I was too scared for some reason.) After that I began speaking aloud, but only when extremely necessary. I was often teased as the boy who never talked, and gruesomley picked on by bullies because of my lack of confidence. This spanned my years through high school. I had few friends, and because my family moved after my sophomore year, I had zero friends my last two years of high school. I never attended my high school prom.
Also, in high school, my family got hooked up on the internet, which I became instantly addicted too. Maybe someone can explain why, but I played hours on end, often times sacrificing sleep. Maybe I found these new means of socializing exciting? I played a computer game online, which I became extremely good at, and winning gave me a really good feeling inside, (perhaps self confidence?)
So after, that I attended college for half a year and moved out without telling my family, I couldn't take the abuse from my father anymore, so I lived on my own for about a year and a half, and moved back home due to financial problems (my addiction to the internet contributed to this.) My father treats me differently now because I pay $400 a month in rent and he knows if he abuses me, I will simply move out again and he'll lose the money.
Sorry for the rambling of my past, just wanted to give a background to lead up to my current situation. Since I've moved back home, I believe I've progressed and regressed socially, and I'm really looking to progress to have the self confidence every normal person has. I got into the career of route sales, which forces me to socialize on a regular basis with other human beings. At first it was tough, but I can see that I've grown as my anxiety in social situations (namely authority figures) has decreased dramatically, although it's still there.
Here's my question, even after reading all the information on the site, and drenching my brain in information as to why my social anxiety plus other problems occur, ( I even took the confidence course) I am still unable to relieve myself of anxiety in some social situations. These include: selling, holding a long conversation, and talking to girls (I've never had a girlfriend, as sad as that may sound.) I constantly feel depressed, about the way I look, my career choices, how I live my life, etc.
Here's my questions:
How do you know what to say, and what to talk about in a long conversation, such as over five minutes? I feel I am able to make small talk with just about anyone, except someone of the opposite sex that I am physically attracted.
How do you relieve yourself of depressed moments? When something bad happens, I tend to be depressed about it all day. I've tried focusing on something else, and thinking of better moments, but it doesn't seem to work, I can't shake the bad thoughts.
How do you relieve social anxiety IN a social situation effectively? If you focus on something else, it will appear as you are ignoring the person you are talking to, and for me, focusing on them only makes the anxiety worse. I often begin to sweat, and shake a little bit.
I've also done some research and found that socializing can also be impacted by genetics, such as some people are intraverts (less outgoing) and some people are extraverts (very outgoing) Can somebody explain this in detail and how this may effect ones behavior in a social situation?
Thanks for all your help, and I am crossing my fingers for some good responses. (I really need them
