1 year PAWS - It's been a year since I quit

Hi Uncommonforum,

I hope you are all doing well. I want to write this post as I have gone through intense PAWS over the past year, and uncommon forum has been a massive crutch for me during this tough time. I feel I need to give back with my story and experience, especially for anyone that is going through the same.

Before I start this, please note that I had no anxiety / panic / depression / etc. before my use. I was completely normal, happy, and motivated.

My marijuana use spanned 3 years. At first, it was just a casual substance to use and have fun on the weekends with friends. During my first year, I used about 1-2 times a week (Fridays & Saturdays) This continued on till about half way through my 2nd year. Towards the end of my 2nd year, I started using multiple times a week, sometimes on my own too. I knew it was starting to get a little out of hand, but I kept telling myself I'd quit or that I'm not dependent (yeah, that's usually not the case.)

Anyways, I ended up stopping use for a few months as I left on vacation, and that's when I noticed something was off. It was the first time I'd noticed things didn't feel right - mostly around 2 months in. I got angry over small things spontaneously, and very occasionally had depressed mood. I didn't think much of it, and when I returned, I proceeded to chronically use for a whole year. This was my 3rd year of use, and the most intense too. I used pretty much everyday, sometimes multiple times a day.

My 3rd year of use was actually pretty great. I had a good time, but deep inside, I felt a lot of guilt and just like before, kept telling myself I'd quit. Fast forward about 75% of my 3rd year, I started getting my marijuana from a dispensary. High THC. I started experiencing little bits of anxiety and paranoia every time I smoked. This didn't escalate much until I started consuming edibles. That's when the anxiety got really intense, I think the weed was stressing me out more than acting as a relaxing tool. Then, around this time a year ago, I had a mini anxiety / panic attack after consuming, and that's when I quit cold turkey. That is also when the PAWS started.

My PAWS has been difficult. Everyone here can relate. I had depression, anxiety, anhedonia, brain fog, dp/dr, ocd symptoms, lack of sleep. The list goes on. I'm very confident that for the first 6 months of PAWS, I didn't have a single night of sleep where I hadn't woken up at least once. I also want to add something that plagued me a lot during my depression waves, and that is suicidal thoughts. I had a lot of them. In fact, they weren't just part of my depression, but also my OCD symptoms (spontaneous, unwanted suicidal thoughts) I think for the first 7 months of PAWS, I had a suicidal thought at least once a day. If not suicidal, then existential thoughts (like purpose of life, etc. etc.) But again, all just symptoms of PAWS-induced depression and OCD.

Fast forward to month 8 of PAWS. Whoa. Something has happened, I don't know what it is, but something clicked in my head. Suddenly, I had more positive days than negative. I felt some sense of normal, though never completely. I knew with enough triggers, I could still slip into a PAWS wave. But month 8 gave me immense hope. However, this lasted about 2-3 weeks, and once again I was back into the mix of a few good days, and more bad days.

Post month 8, things were not the same as before. PAWS existed, but the intensity was maybe 80-90%. Sometimes 60-70%. And then, out of nowhere, a wave that was 100% of the intensity from early months. Very, very unpredictable. Right now, as I write, I've had a great past week. Prior to that, I suffered a really, really intense PAWS wave (yes, EVEN at month 12!) The suicidal thoughts were still relatively prominent during the wave, however not as intense as they used to be. But I came out of it, and so can those of you reading this.

Now that the negative is out of the way, I'd like to shine light on all the great things that have happened in the last 12 months. Besides the fact that I have been sober from any possible mind altering substance (no caffeine and negligible sugar), I have developed amazing new habits. I do intense exercise several times a week, and have reached about 7 months of daily meditation (20 minutes each day.) While there were gaps in the middle of my meditation due to moving around etc., the total of 7 months is a number I'm proud of. It might not work for everyone, but I want to share that meditation has been an ABSOLUTE game changer for me. Initially, it didn't do too much. But as I got better at it, better at gently bringing back my attention to my breathing, I started to find real peace during my sessions. In fact, it has started translating to benefits outside meditation, where I gently bring my focus back to the present, when I'm drowning in PAWS thoughts.

Besides this, I have so much more time on my hands. When I was smoking chronically, I was slowly starting to stop doing the things I love, and just sat around eating junk food and playing video games / watching TV for absurd amounts of time. After quitting, I started focusing on doing what I love, and scored an amazing job! In terms of a career perspective, I've reached great stability. I still play video games and watch TV every day, just not all day. Oh, and did I mention, they feel much more authentic, entertaining, and rewarding now? When you consume entertainment at limited amounts, you realize it's true value!

Anyways, I'm so honored to be able to share my journey with you all. I'm still not done yet. In fact, just last night, I had anxiety as I laid in bed. I even felt depressed when I woke up this morning. And that's okay. What's important is that we recognize these things, and accept them for what they are, realizing this is only temporary. I know I am getting closer and closer to reaching 100% normalcy. I will continue to share my journey on here, and update how things are going. I hope those of you reading this will share your journey here too, as we're all in this together. Thank you.