The anger got out of control

Dear Dan,

You know, given other circumstances, you might be the happiest guy in the World. The problem might not be you... it might be in the way the Institution of Marriage is practiced in these Modern times. read on below... I wrote it a few weeks back but I think it might apply to you as well (note: I thought I edited it well at the time, but it did seem to need a touch up here and there):

You remind me a great deal of how my own marriage and a few of my relationships had gone, and, yes, some of it, or even a lot of it may be because you have an issue with controlling your angry behaviors. But I think it goes much farther than that. I think that there is a problem in the Way that the Modern World expects us to live together as families nowadays. Everybody is supposed to be one happy family and be packed tightly together. Well, the Kids get a break because they get their own rooms. But what about Husband and Wife? They are supposed to be happy with just one Bedroom between them, and they are supposed to eat all of their meals together, and then entertain themselves in their spare time in the same sitting room or parlor. Why it’s no wonder that Husbands and Wives drive each other crazy. Until not much less than a hundred years ago, nobody ‘decent’ was expected to live like that. Only poor working class people, or country people in small cabins were expected to live cooped up together, and then it was looked upon as sad and deplorable and unfortunate by those who were better off enough to live properly. Now we all behave as though we are those Poor People from the past – even though we can afford better, we live packed together as though we are still in that one room farm house or tenement room. In every Civilized Situation on Earth, the Husbands and the Wives each have their own rooms, or that even the entire house is physically divided into separate sections. Men have their own bed chamber and a Library. The Women have their boudoir, their parlor and their kitchen. For an hour they dine together, but certainly they can behave themselves for an hour. Oh, they must dress for dinner and behave with Table Manners. That means that nobody does anything that could provoke anger. That is what Polite living is all about, isn’t it? And then afterwards the women go to their parlors or sitting rooms and men go to their libraries. When do they even have a chance to get angry with each other? Well, yes, they entertain socially together – have their own dinner parties and go out together to dinner and theater. But, again, here they are on their Best Behavior.

But in the Modern World and with the Modern Way, well, nobody can ALWAYS be on their best behavior. People need to relax, but relaxing with one’s loved ones and family is simply a huge mistake. There is too much casual familiarity, too much unguarded speech. You know what they say -- “familiarity breeds contempt”. Is it any wonder that there is so much more divorce in the Modern World than in any Civilized Time in the past?

We are all simply living in the wrong Way. And I can’t expect it to stop. Why? Well, because TV and the Movies are presenting this hugely dysfunctional Life Style as the Ideal Life Style. It’s all an enveloping Cultural Propaganda that simply has no actual contemplated and planned purpose. It’s a Lifestyle that is a product of lazy screenwriters who can’t imagine love stories where the lovers take a great deal of their time apart from each other, and of cheap TV and Movie Producers who can’t afford more than one Set in which their Love Stories are supposed to play out.

And think about it this way. At what stage in their relationship are Couples the happiest together? Well, typically they are happiest at the beginning when they AREN’T together all the time. We can generalize from that that a happy couple is one where the two people are separated for most of the time so that when they do see each other, they are on their best behavior – such as when they used to ‘date’. We could do that as Married Couples, but only if each agreed to stay out of the other’s way for the majority of the time. Men would stay in their Work Shops or Libraries (I have my Music Studio which I camp out in), and women in their parlors and sitting rooms. Even unnecessary talk could be avoided as the couples could communicate about unavoidable household details simply by putting notes in each other’s letters and mail… or email or text as the young people prefer to do.

But what man could propose marriage to a woman, these days, while stipulating such conditions for marriage? Brain-washed by the Media View of Marriage, most women would consider such a marriage to be an affront to their notions of total and unconditional romantic love, which maintains that a happy couple SHOULD be able to live constantly together and always be on their best behavior. But it’s really just the Impossible Dream. Our Society needs to wake up and find a Way for things that have some chance of actually working.

Anyway, no man should have to live like that – their every spare moment from work being corralled up with women and children. No wonder there is so much anger, and frustration and depression. No, you have a larger problem than just anger. You are dealing with an Impossible Situation. You should consider leaving it.

Wow. I've never really thought about it like that. But I will say my job does take me away for months at a time. And that always helped our desire for each other. For about a year and a half I've not been in a situation where I leave for very long.

I don't think she's really the only problem though. Because I get angry a lot when things dont go right for me. Traffic. Cooking. Games. We are rapidly approaching our seven year anniversary and I hope to have repaired it by then.

Thanks for the response. Definitely thought provoking.

Dan

87dan wrote:Wow. I've never really thought about it like that. But I will say my job does take me away for months at a time. And that always helped our desire for each other. For about a year and a half I've not been in a situation where I leave for very long.

I don't think she's really the only problem though. Because I get angry a lot when things dont go right for me. Traffic. Cooking. Games. We are rapidly approaching our seven year anniversary and I hope to have repaired it by then.

Thanks for the response. Definitely thought provoking.

Dan

Hi Dan,

Well, a lot of that Chronic Anger could just be working up from the fact that you kind of ‘hate’ your life as it now stands. Your inner self may be rebelling. Oh, this might apply… I remember a Vision that I had during a Meditation years and years ago. This Celestial Guru told me “That to be your own Master, you must be your own Slave”. Well, that takes a lot of thinking about, as you can go too far being a Master and thus abuse the part of yourself that is a Slave, and so in the end you simply learn to keep yourself in a Good Partnership with Yourself. But in your Situation, well, the Slave… let’s call it The Servant, has developed an attitude problem and is dragging his feet about everything, but you, The Master, insist, and ostensibly the Servant goes along, but you get these Fits of Peevishness from him. If he were happier, he would probably not rebel so much.

But, there are things you can do, even while in the situation you are in. You don’t have to make any drastic changes right away. You can see if the Problem can get fixed by using the Small Stuff first. That being said, well, you really need to throw yourself a Bone. You got to give that Servant inside of yourself something he will like. It can’t all be about keeping your wife happy. That inner self is demanding some attention. So what to do? Find yourself a Hobby. Something Fun. I play music (I practice ‘by ear’ so it never seems like homework). But I’m sure there is something you have always wanted to do. So Do It! And find your own Room (put a lock on the door!). Find your own Time. Maybe if only you had a bit of time to yourself every day, then everything else might start getting better.

But, maybe you are chronically angry anyway. Well, I can recommend some books, but there are some easy first steps. First, you are not allowed to swear anymore. It is almost miraculous that it is almost impossible to Get Angry if you don’t narrate it with Cuss Words. Oh, and you are not allowed to Think using Cuss Words. It is almost impossible to work yourself up into a froth if you keep your thinking mind in the bounds of decency and propriety.

Anywhere, here’s a good book recommendation to get you started…

Book Recommendations:

All the personal skills required for successful Anger Management, well, they cannot be learned overnight. Of course, you can go to a Therapist, but even I have gone to therapists and the first thing they do is recommend that you read Anger Management self help books. It easy to understand why. If you do some daily reading of anger issue books… making it something of a ritual behavior, then it helps you to always stay aware of your potential problems with anger. Ordinarily we might do some intensive work on ourselves in regards to our anger issues immediately after we have had some serious episode, but then as time passes, we begin to forget that we have a problem, that is, until we explode again. So we need to keep Anger at the forefront of our attention, or at least to the extent that we have some daily reminder for ourselves that we must keep up our guard and maintain all of the good practices that we had learned.

Of course, you could find your own books. Go on line and just buy the ones with reviews that seem to show that the books would appeal to you. But I have a few suggestions of my own. One book I recommend, because I found I had given it a splendid review on that Big On Line Merchandizer’s Website is “Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control” by Ronald Potter-Efron (my review is on the 3rd page of the 5 Stars). I had said that it is the one book most likely to bring anybody back ‘from the edge’. Also, check out “Rage” by Ronald Potter-Efron (the same author as the previous book). I think it is the best book on the subject of extreme rage. Then there is a book about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The premise behind cognitive behavior therapy is that when people are angry or depressed because of their negative thinking, well, it makes the most sense to address the problem by addressing the Thinking behind the problem. No, there is no churning up the past and talking about Mother and Childhood – all that is ancient history. The Idea is to simply learn how to turn off the negative thinking, or learn to think of something else instead. It also involves reevaluating your thinking in regards to whether you have been nurturing misconceptions or exaggerating generalizations. Anyway, the name of that book is “Cognitive and Dialectical Therapy Unleashed”, by James Ashley. It’s a good book and very affordable. And finally there is one book that is a bit of a favorite of mine: “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro, in that it seems to be more complete and organized than a lot of the other books.

Anyway, until your books arrive, or you go to the local bookstore and buy some, you should look over these pages. Especially, you should look at some of my posts here. I am relatively new here and so my catalog of posts is not all that extensive, and I have dealt with problems not unlike your own, using the knowledge that I have distilled from all of my reading, and also from my own experiences of dealing with my own anger issues. Good luck, hope to hear from you soon.

Leo, again very helpful response. I've downloaded one book to start reading. Only a couple chapters I. But it just seems mostly like stories. I'm going to continue and give it a chance though. For now I have already tried some of your 'tactics' if you will. First off this morning I tried to just be pleasant to my wife. All it was was saying good morning and telling her I hoped she would have a wonderful day. I left it at that and went to work. Driving was not bad. I just thought about how senseless it is to get angry about traffic. And I didn't curse. It definitely helped. I tried to not curse at work but that didn't happen. My workplace doesn't really help in that area lol. But I think throughout the day I felt much better. I am out bowling right now. A hobby that I really enjoy but just haven't done in so long. Tomorrow is my first appointment with a therapist. Hopefully it goes well. Thanks again for the helpful words.

Dan

Dear Dan,

Oh! Great! Bowling is Great! I never thought of it myself, but its a Wonderful idea. It Will Get You Out of the House. So join a bowling league, and, oh, you got to make sure you get in a lot of practice... tell the wife that the 'guys are counting on you', and run off to the Lanes, fill up a score card or two, and have a few beers. If you can do that 3 or 4 times a week, then your Life on the whole will start feeling a whole lot better.

Oh, and I was thinking. when your new happy and content persona begins to make an impression on your wife and she appears to no longer be resistant and adversarial and defensive about everything you say, you might suggest a few things on my original list, for instance, dressing for dinner. Studies show that people act the way they dress. Being casual and informal all the time with one's mate is just a very effective formula for Falling Out of Love. If you both look nice when you dine, well, it will even seem romantic... not that I'm the sentimental type. But compare that to you wearing stinky old Grateful Dead Tee-shirt and her wearing her stretch pants and sweatsuit. Raise the Tone of the Environment and you raise the tone of the Relationship.

Oh, and Congratulations... you have been the most responsive and pro-active of anyone I had spoken to yet on this site. You should do well.

Hey Dan,
Great start. I just thought there might be one more thing you can work on...replace that ring you lost, it would mean the world to her. Take her out somewhere really romantic and surprise her with it. Your wife needs to see that symbol of your love back on your finger.
Regards McCain

Leo, just what advice and perspective you've given me has already changed my life. Tonight I only spent about 5 minutes with my wife. But it was really great. I just talked to her about her day a little bit. And told her all the good things going on. I'm starting to feel like a new person.

In the meantime I've also been trying to reconnect with old friends. So that I have someone to talk to when I just need to. Let me know if there's any way to thank you. Already I feel happier. I don't think I've felt this way in years.

The beers bit I think I will avoid though. I have a problem drinking too much if I drink. Which got me into the situation that blew all of this up. But maybe down the road when I feel I have a handle on my anger.

McCain,

I think that actually is a great idea. I don't want to rush her back into things. Do you think that could possibly give her the wrong idea? I did tell her the other day I wanted to get a new ring...she was kind of just standoffish about the topic. But of course there's just a lot of tension between us.

Thank you all so much. I will continue to check in and update how things are going. This is definitely helping me get things off my chest a little bit

Dan

I don't think the ring will give her the wrong idea. Just wait until she's calmed down and continue with the baby steps your taking. When the times right you'll know it. If you bring it up right now it will only remind her of that night.
I'm so glad Leo has helped you. It only gets better from here. Keep us posted.
Regards McCain

Things are already improving, the counseling session left me very shaken up. I guess just talking about everything was kind of rough for me. BUT, we are both going to see the therapist next week due to some of the issues she thinks we need to try to resolve some of those things asap. Anyways, just a quick update...will post more later.

Dan

87dan wrote:Leo, just what advice and perspective you've given me has already changed my life. Tonight I only spent about 5 minutes with my wife. But it was really great. I just talked to her about her day a little bit. And told her all the good things going on. I'm starting to feel like a new person.

In the meantime I've also been trying to reconnect with old friends. So that I have someone to talk to when I just need to. Let me know if there's any way to thank you. Already I feel happier. I don't think I've felt this way in years.

You're Welcome.

The beers bit I think I will avoid though. I have a problem drinking too much if I drink. Which got me into the situation that blew all of this up. But maybe down the road when I feel I have a handle on my anger.

Oooops! I didn't see that and should have. And wives do hate it when one comes home a bit tipsy with alcohol on one's breath. I myself have imposed rules in regards to what I can permissibly drink and when. At home, I can only drink in the Music Studio, at the strength of wine, metered out at one glass per hour. Oh, if there is a bit left over in the Glass when I go from Music Practice to late supper, well I can have it with my meal. Practices seldom go over three hours. I catch a bit of a buzz but I typically am straight enough to be able to run through a few Math Problems (I'm studying for a new career). When out, I also do the one an hour rule. I avoid people who 'pay for rounds'... it creates situations where there is a lot of drinking done fast. And I hold to a three drink max over 3 hours and then wait an hour before going home. Oh, there are two other reasons to limit alcohol -- Beer is very gouty, and alcohol is the simplest sugar that exists and is most easily metabolized by the body as fat -- too much drinking will make one fat.

yes, Dan, you are making good progress. Oh, what's the name of that book you got. Maybe I know it.

Leo, the book I got is beyond anger: a guide for men. Been busy lately and haven't read too much. today was a short day so I may get into it a bit more. We have a session together tomorrow that I'm looking forward to. Things have been up and down over the past few days. Just trying to keep the peace. I have been giving her space which is helping I hope. Still no drinking so my anger has been pretty easy to control. Really I get frustrated at work and in traffic mostly. I have gotten frustrated with how everything is going between me and my wife. But I feel like there may be some progress being made. She actually came on her own to talk to me the other night. Still haven't gone to get a ring yet, but I want to. Maybe when I have free time over the weekend.

It did come close to me just figuring out how I could stay somewhere else for a while. I have stopped spying on her by reading texts and watching her Facebook. And I deactivated mine. It's been helping with being able to keep my mind off things. Something that has helped was that I got ranked #1 out of all my peers. And I now have a much more important job for our next big event. I don't think I could handle more negative things going on in my life.

I'll post again with how the session together goes. I think it will be really tough.

Dan

87dan wrote:Leo, the book I got is beyond anger: a guide for men. Been busy lately and haven't read too much. today was a short day so I may get into it a bit more. We have a session together tomorrow that I'm looking forward to. Things have been up and down over the past few days. Just trying to keep the peace. I have been giving her space which is helping I hope. Still no drinking so my anger has been pretty easy to control. Really I get frustrated at work and in traffic mostly. I have gotten frustrated with how everything is going between me and my wife. But I feel like there may be some progress being made. She actually came on her own to talk to me the other night. Still haven't gone to get a ring yet, but I want to. Maybe when I have free time over the weekend.

It did come close to me just figuring out how I could stay somewhere else for a while. I have stopped spying on her by reading texts and watching her Facebook. And I deactivated mine. It's been helping with being able to keep my mind off things. Something that has helped was that I got ranked #1 out of all my peers. And I now have a much more important job for our next big event. I don't think I could handle more negative things going on in my life.

I'll post again with how the session together goes. I think it will be really tough.

Dan

Hi Dan,

Oh, you got THAT book – “Beyond Anger, a Guide for Men”. Well, yes, to be your own Anger Expert you should read most of the books out there, including this one; but, the author really seemed to over-generalized ‘men’, to the point of exaggeration, I feel. It was such an overblown caricature that I had a difficult time trying to figure out who exactly he was talking about. It was like reading an Anthropology Book about some about recently discovered Tribe in some jungle somewhere. In other words, I really couldn’t connect with that book. Yes, I might have my problems but I couldn’t even get close to seeing myself as that shabby, that low, that guilty of all that is wrong in the World. I felt as did some of the Reviewers on That Big Retail Website that the author seemed to be catering to a Female Audience – writing a book for women who wanted even more ammunition for why they are justified in hating men… maybe the author should change a few lines and re-issue his book under the title “Why Women Should Be Violently Angry About Men”. But, plow through it and you will get some insights somewhere. Even the worse Anger Management Books have a few worthwhile insights. It is just that the better books have more.

Remember about Frustration – you only need to take a break from your life for a little bit, preferably some time each day, but don’t let too many days go by without giving yourself a break from Your Life. Yes, I know how they say “Where ever you go, you are sure to follow”, which tends to mean that one cannot really escape one’s problems. Well, while this saying does have a core of truth in it, however, what the pithy little phrase forgets about is that when you go off to forget or go off for some distraction, well, for a while you DO leave yourself behind. Yes, the You that you left behind back there would soon pick up and follow, bringing his bad habits and worries, but it would take him a while to pack all that stuff up, wouldn’t it? For instance, when I used to Vacation, I found that I had about 2 good weeks before ‘I’ would catch up to myself, and then I would start to need a Vacation to relax from my Vacation…. Which is when it would be time to go home.

Now, I can understand Frustration at work. We all have a tendency to get Territorial about our Jobs and our Duties, and that makes us defensive. Anytime someone else’s responsibilities or actions seem to cross the line into one’s own area, well, the hackles go up and it puts us on edge. So, there, with that kind of thing, you need to practice good Cognitive Behavior Therapy skills, and watch your thinking processes. Eliminate the idea of anything on the job being ‘your’ territory. Remember, your Job is not Who You Are. Your job is just what you do as a Wage Slave, isn’t it? Who are you? That is what you should think about. Are you the Slave, or are you the Man you are when the Clock hits Closing Time? Would you be there, yoked to the grind stone, unless they were paying you? Of course not. And do you benefit from anything that you do there? Yes, you have your pride in a job well done, but concretely speaking your labor is being exploited by the Owners and Shareholders, and apart from wishing to keep your Job, why on earth should you care about those people? Do they care about you? Certainly not! As soon as they figured out a way to make you redundant – find a machine to do your job, or train a monkey to do your job, well, you would be Downsized so fast your head would spin, no? So, at work, be calm and be cool about everything. Smile at everybody, even during panics and crisis occurrences, and then wade into the Damage Control Operations, still with that big cool grin on your face. Your Unflappability at Work will make you locally famous and people will admire you and look up to you for it. Now, if a Boss ever wonders how you can be so ‘happy’ when ‘the whole world’ (his whole world, he means to say) is falling apart, well, cooly reply something in the order of “A serene, keen and objective Mind never wears a frown”, and then give him a good smirk for having dared to be impudent with you.

Well, that should be enough for one day. Go get’em tiger.

anger is not all about the situation itself, it also matters where we come from,

last week i had a job-interview, and could not get the job, and i guess that hurt and lead me to became aggressive these days and found myself bulling my pregnant wife...

I stoped and thinking: what the f am i doing?
and i told her I am really sorry about that, And promised it wont happen again,

i believe that anger most of times has nothing to do with situation itself, it is more because of days before Have been bad, and still keeps hurting , and all that hurt inside driving you to respond aggressive to the situation...

I am focusing on having some good times, keeping relaxed, So i can change how i feel about myself, my life itself and people around...

laureat wrote:anger is not all about the situation itself, it also matters where we come from,

last week i had a job-interview, and could not get the job, and i guess that hurt and lead me to became aggressive these days and found myself bulling my pregnant wife...

I stoped and thinking: what the f am i doing?
and i told her I am really sorry about that, And promised it wont happen again,

i believe that anger most of times has nothing to do with situation itself, it is more because of days before Have been bad, and still keeps hurting , and all that hurt inside driving you to respond aggressive to the situation...

I am focusing on having some good times, keeping relaxed, So i can change how i feel about myself, my life itself and people around...

Yes, I believe there is a bit of a mix between the two things -- The Building up Level of Frustration, Anxiety and Impatience, along with a Trigger Event that causes it all to Explode.

and, yes, while you are very wise to find time to relax and bring down your level of Tension, well, still, in Anger Management it is an important Skill to be able to face a Trigger Event and effectively Disarm it, to catch one's self before on blows, to see the creeping onset of Adrenaline Buildup, and to realize that one's mind is going too far in the Negative Direction (one finds oneself swearing and cussing in one's internal dialogue... a sure sign that things are about to come to a head).

While relaxing is great, we all realize that sometimes, under crisis situations, there is no time to relax. Emergencies may require some of us to work 18 or 30 hours straight. In such situations we really have to know how to deal with some very serious Trigger Events.

Under any Situation, or series of Situations, even in the middle of a long stretch of frustration and hardship, we have to be able to Keep it Together.

Don't you agree? that is what we are here for.