Advice?

**Posts:** 11 · by **Lovelyella** » Thu May 10, 2018 1:53 pm

I was in a relationship for almost 4 years, we broke up two months ago because the last six months have been rough for us. A lot of fighting and not enough happiness. I was under a lot of stress with school work, new employment, and family issues so I couldn’t pay attention to him and his needs as much.

We decided to take a break and we both needed it so it was mutual.

We are now seeing each other on a regular basis. I love him and want to be with him again. It’s easier for me to pay more attention to him and have it how it used to be since I’m graduating college and I can get a full time job.

The issue now is that he’s been meeting many girls online. He says their all friends only but I know the kind of guy he is, and he has a lot of sexual impulses.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t exactly know what’s going on in his mind. He said he was so unhappy for so long that I can’t expect him to jump back in to the relationship and I understand that. But how can he expect me to be around him while he messages girls all day long.

It hurts me to spend time with him and go out to the beach and what not but have him be on his phone reply to every message, when I know that if I was the one texting him, he wouldn’t even reply for hours and what not.

I’m stuck. I want him back and I want the relationship we had, but he’s not ready and I can’t stick around while he hides every text message and I know he’s taking to all these girls —even if their friends..

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Thu May 10, 2018 2:15 pm

Lovelyella wrote: I’m stuck. I want him back and I want the relationship we had...

You are stuck, because you want an impossibility. You realize this, right?

I mean, you do realize the same way that it is literally impossible to stick your foot in a spot in a river twice, it is literally impossible to pick a past point in a relationship and say, "That is what I want again"?

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Thu May 10, 2018 3:47 pm

Lovelyella wrote:... but I know the kind of guy he is...

He said he was so unhappy for so long that I can’t expect him to jump back in to the relationship and I understand that. But how can he expect me to be around him while he messages girls all day long.

It hurts me to spend time with him...

I think your answers are staring you in the face, here.

I want him back and I want the relationship we had...

You may (or may not) get back together and go on from there, but as Richard has said, you can never have the relationship you had at some point in the past. LTRs are built on what goes on day after day, year in, year out. You may thrash out an agreement about getting back together, but you can't erase this separation and the bad feelings you have about him now.

BTW, someone constantly checking his phone and replying to every message while you're with him is just plain rude, regardless of the relationship. That kind of contempt would be a deal-breaker for me.

... but he’s not ready and I can’t stick around while he ...

What do you mean by you can't stick around? You've got better things to do? GOOD!

**Posts:** 11 · by **Lovelyella** » Sat May 12, 2018 1:51 am

Thank you to both. I finally had the courage to end it. Trying to be as strong as I can about it. I know it’s going to be harder tomorrow, but I need to focus on myself

**Posts:** 10 · by **BrianDorsey** » Sat May 12, 2018 1:29 pm

If you decide to part ways, then there were reasons. I really hope that you will be together again.

**Posts:** 7 · by **berg101** » Sun Jun 10, 2018 1:57 pm

Lovelyella wrote:Thank you to both. I finally had the courage to end it. Trying to be as strong as I can about it. I know it’s going to be harder tomorrow, but I need to focus on myself

I think you have made the right decision. Only you can be in charge of what path makes you the happiest and by the sound of things, he wasn’t fully committed and you deserve a lot more than that.

Love can be the most beautiful thing in the world, but it can also be the most heart breakingly terrifying thing as well. True love is when two whole people come together to make a life while still keeping their autonomy - it takes dedication, work and a desire to truly be with the person.

I’ve been in a few relationships where my girlfriend has been bombareded with group WhatsApp messages from girl friends. My ex fiancée and I bought a house together and I would sometimes be sat there in the evening with her watching tv and she’d be constantly texting on her phone. While I know these were untoward messages, it was more the fact of how rude it was and how little it made me feel. Fair enough the odd message, but not every 10 seconds.

Think about what your definition of love is and what would truly make you happy, and as long as it’s not some completely unobtainable dream, then wait until you get that. Never settle, because in the end it’ll be you that gets hurt.

I’m going through a bad breakup myself now as well and I’m certainly struggling, so feel free to message me should you need any support etc.

Take care.

B!

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