I almost died but i was saved.

My last post on here, Feb 07 2012. Dark times I wrote a will and the next day tried to show a councilor who i thought cared about me, he couldn't care less, and something happened to me then and it all went down hill from there. All i wanted was safety, a place were i wouldn't hurt and i was not in a safe place, when you think it couldn't possibly get worse, so much messed up stuff, things of nightmares, films horrors that you just think how did that happen, why?!

I was tormented, i sacrificed parts of myself to survive, till i had nothing else, and was ready to die, but i couldn't go, as my mum said she would kill herself if i did, and meant it, she would die with me, together. So much conflict inside me, i couldn't sacrifice her life, another life, mine was forfeit anyways, but hers wasn't, it hurt me a lot but i could't go, i held on as long as i could though all the punishment emotional and physical pain, my blood self harm didn't do a lot anymore, as i couldn't feel it, i could see but what was real and what was't i couldn't tell between, my pain in side was so great i could not provide enough pain to get behind it and help, just became out of frustration that the end was coming, i emotionally died a few times and then i gave up, a long fight 4 years only darkness.

While waiting to die, I was struck by something, it winded me, and it pulled me back hard, i was shocked, i couldn't see and then i was back. In an instant i was in the light, my world had colour again, i could feel the wind, i looked in the mirror and i saw my face, i could not see it before, my own eyes, I was alive, I felt so warm, after so long i had warmth, i could feel pain, i went outside and it was like a high, everything was so bright and beautiful the dirt and moss was so close up, i could see every leaf on the trees, in my face, an emotional high.

I was free, i didn't know how, not of my own power, but i was out of that hell, So long i saw my friends again and i didn't know how to communicate, what facial expression to make, how to speak to them, i felt like a child not knowing how to behave or act lucky i didn't have to they ran at me and gave me a big hug and cried holding me, they said they were so sorry i had to suffer for so long and they could no help me, they wanted to but did not know how. I had to learn again to live and be in the world, i was too frightened to go anywhere alone, i was not good with too many people it scared me and i could not do simple tasks like seat down at a table, i could not pick the table place to sit, i thought someone might want to table and attack me, i was on high alert all the time for incoming attackers, for so long i was hurt, i was just so scared of everyone. I eventually got my confidence back and got a job when i was ready and now 8 years on.

I am still pledged by my pain. The flash backs and nightmares got less and less, i put my feeling in a place never to be looked at again, but you can put stuff into a box but the box might open again and all hell breaks loose. For a while i was punished by these feelings and it made things hard i saw a therapist for 2 and a half years and he helped me a lot in many ways he saved me and gave me back my will to stand up and keep going again when things sent me back.

Now many other things have happened, my parents have separated, i'm okay but stress from work is making me really unhappy again so the box has been opened again and i'm seeing things that are painful memories and its making me really sad, and my job feels like its sucking the life out of me, so i'm trying to find another, its not for me anymore, I have to stick at it till i can find another, but its not easy. All these old feelings, linger inside me, I'm trying to find a therapist again that might be able to help me pick me up, my parents don't want me to, as they fear it might make me go back seeking help, and they cant take it again, i told them if i go back i will die there and i will never go back, with everything i have i will never go back! That was't living, i was trapped.

Well having got my freedom, I'm so happy i didn't die, i never wanted to, but i didn't have many options, i wanted to save myself but i couldn't sacrifice anything else but my life the dark was coming for me, little option there, i had two choices, die quick or die slow, in the end i went for die slow to protect my mum.

So now, its pick me ups, to make me feel better, I am alive and proud to be, But for no reason memories return and hurt me once again, make me heart feel pain, i get stress headaches and feel a bit dizzy when the pain gets to hard to deal with, i feel sick when i see some of the things, mainly though i keep seeing the sacrifices i made to live a little bit longer, and they really hurt me, so i'm doing my best to keep going, and bottle it till i mange to find someone to talk to, and if i have to i might have to leave my job before i find another as its really getting me down and i don't need anymore stress right now.

So even if you are faced with death, and have nothing left, there is hope, someone saved me, i don;t know who but they saved me back then. Merry Christmas to you all and thank you for the ones in 2011 and 2012 that tried to help, i was't easy to speak to back then, it must have been hard.

But Thank you x