Anger Is Just Bad Manners

Perhaps the most important element in my Self Imposed Anger Management Therapy is the daily reading (or nowadays, writing) of Anger Management Literature. Back a while ago I was between books and so I went over to my Book Shelf to make a selection, and I noticed an Old Favorite, but on a lower shelf – not in the Anger Management genre… but close by. It was a Judith Martin “Miss Manner’s” Book on Etiquette. Well, I thought, I’ll just glance through it for a minute in a sort of “memory lane” fashion and then I’ll be back to getting a’Anger Management Book to read. But the minutes multiplied and I kept on reading -- it turns out that I immediately saw a Connection between Etiquette and Anger Management, and that is that there is No Way you can maintain a Polite Decorum and still Get Angry. Essentially, that means that there is no Polite Way to Flip Out.

Of course Etiquette recognizes that one can often be shocked and offended. But the protocols of Good Manners limits one’s responsive range. One can go so far as to give ‘glaring looks’ and make ‘stiff and formal replies’. And then of course one can immediately run home and amend one’s Invitations and Christmas Card Lists to strike the offending person, as far as one possibly can, into the state of Social Oblivion. So, in terms of maintaining Social Decorum, The Worst Thing One Can Ever Do Is Make a SCENE…well, a Big Scene, anyway. For People who are finely attuned to such things, and the Upper Crust of Party Goers certainly are, even a ‘Strong Glare’ and a ‘Stiff Reply’ from some particular Party Favorite to a known Upstart and Provocateur, well, that would be enough to start a strong ‘murmur’ throughout the Room, but certainly nothing loud or strong enough to make the windows rattle or the doors shake as would be the case with most Angry Responses as WE would understand them.

Additionally, a very powerful motivation for Reading Up on Etiquette as a form of ‘Cross-Training’ in Anger Management is the very strong assumption that many Episodes of Anger are ‘Triggered’ by events where People honestly believe they have been treated most ‘Rudely’ and they are therefore deeply ‘offended. They then subsequently act out Inappropriately with Anger. BUT we can all see as plain as day that the Trigger of Rudeness is there as Big as a dead fly in the Punch bowl. Yes, in Anger Management’s Strictest Terms, “Nobody ever has Any Excuse to Get Angry”, BUT, at the same time we can still all see that it would have all been Peace and Quiet but for the Initial Instigating Act of Rudeness. Now, consider, that, yes, your Primary Motivation for Engaging in Anger Management Therapies is to prevent your Own Anger, but there is Also the Very Strong Likelihood that by some Personal Unawareness or Misconception on your part that you may be contributing to Other People’s Anger. That is not Good Either, is it? For instance, suppose you are at Work, and while you NEVER become Angry yourself, still, you somehow manage, by a continuous stream of Careless Word or Deed, to make most of your Co-Workers Flip Out in Delirious Rages, and, yes, while the Boss can’t technically accuse you of “Hostility in the Workplace” (the Code for being an Anger Management Problem), he can certainly zero in on you as being a “Trouble Maker” who “does not work well with others”… and so on the next round of ‘Cuts, Redundancies, and Corporate ‘Re-Sizings’ you will be the one to get ‘down-sized and get pushed “out the door” – with a Pink Slip, a Cardboard Box, Two Pay Checks, and a Road Map (oh, remember to steal the stapler! They NEVER check to see what you put in your Cardboard Box). So, anyway, even if the study of Etiquette won’t help you in your own Personal Quest for Peace and Tranquility, it may decidedly help those who wish for Peace and Tranquility FROM you.

Anyway, to sum all of this up, if you ever want to read up on a Completely Different Angle toward Anger Management, which may give you some fresh insights and mind boggling epiphanies, well, you might look toward the Etiquette Literatures. I believe Judith Martin is still in print, or, if not, she was quite popular enough to now have a strong place in the Used Book Markets.