My Wife Has Left Me

Awwwww {{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Sorry to hear you are in this situation.
Getting out and doing the meditation thing is good. I have met some nice people though that sort of thing aswell. Can you try and see your brothers a bit more? We are a fairly nice bunch on here, so chat away with us

That's truly terrible indeed. Even the greatest of loves can come to a sudden, crashing end. I think these ends are the worst ones possible. There is almost no closure at all, and leaves you thinking what went wrong and when. It's a major blow to not only your confidence, but to your entire outlook on love and trust. Unfortunately, as terrible as it is, there's not any universally accepted, easy way of getting over it, at least not that I know of. All I can recommend is to not let yourself get too lost in your emotions. Obviously it hurts and you need to let it out; do so. Just don't let it overwhelm you and cause you to do things you might regret later.

As impossible as it sounds right now, the pain will fade. Slowly at first, then more quickly as time progresses. You will begin to trust people again, believe in real love, but at the same time, you will be more cautious. That's okay. The scar left on your heart is there to remind you of the pain you once felt. There are people just like you in the world, remember that. You'll be able to connect with those who have experienced this pain as well. Eventually, you'll find another special woman who wants a trusting and lasting relation just as much as you.

Time solves everything. Patience will reap you much joy in life. Again, I'm sorry for you and I wish you best of luck.

Fresha wrote:My wife has left me and I'm finding it more and more difficult to cope. We were together for three years. My father and brothers have sent me supportive emails but I hardly ever see them and I am feeling increasingly isolated, depressed and lost.

I am very quiet and sensitive anyway but at work I'm on the verge of tears and can't do my work properly. There is nowhere I can turn for any real friendship. All my ideas about love, loyalty, dedication have been shattered. My wife took the TV and laptop and I'm broke so when I go home after my evening job I just sit there crying. I really need a shoulder to cry on. My wife was the only emotional focus in my life. I don't understand how it went wrong. I used to have a codeine addiction but I'm struggling to stay away from that because I know that, although it will definitely ease the pain, I don't want to be trapped in that addiction again. I went on some dating websites but I can't stand the sarcastic, shallow attitude they all seem to have and it makes me feel worse not better.

Today I visited the London Buddhist Centre in Bethnal Green and saw that they have drop in lunchtime meditation classes and there were some people sitting outside who looked genuine and kind. That's all I want, someone genuine and kind to reach me in this terrible darkness.

Hi. I will be happy to talk to you; especially about addiction and co-dependency and maybe that will be a journey that is very hard to do online but if you want to PM me; feel free. I try to check the forums daily.

I didn't get a chance to read most of your previous posts, but it does sound like you and your wife had issues with addiction and co-dependency. In these times, that term is thrown about loosely and I do not take any loose interpretation of the word.

But bulimia, alcohol, suicide attempts and your own substitution of alcohol to codine and other pain relievers does not truly bring about recovery.

I am very sorry your wife is going through those tremendously difficult times and I feel that it could be beneficial to love her enough to let go and let her find her recovery and happiness. The reality is, with addiction and eating disorders, it is very hard to truly have a healthy relationship because the control over eating and whatever the drug of choice is (alcohol?) will always take precedence over any love for you. Maybe in your, as you say in another post, "dry" sobriety of 8 years, you were trying to rescue her or take emphasis off your issues by focusing on someone else?

To the issue of dating sites, you guys just broke up, and it doesn't surprise me that you find those sites superficial. How can you get to know someone on a profile? Of course they will all say, "child at heart seeking travelmate, bestfriend and lover. Must love going out to the bar while also cuddling up in front of a movie. blah blah blah." But that is not what will encapsulate a woman....nothing from that profile will. BUt your need to seek out a relationship so soon after a break from your wife indicates a need for attachment.

Please, allow yourself to truly feel the pain you feel. Let yourself feel this sober. It sucks. But alcohol, codine, weed, etc will only mask and then take control of your life and put your life in jeopardy.

It sounds like your wife needs more help than you but that doesn't mean that you cannot use this time to truly find real recovery; nothing substituted, nothing masked. Be clean (recovery) not sober (dry).

I am an addictions specialist and a masters level social worker and I work extensively with addictions and dual diagnosis and while I can't give more than "forum type" responses or be an internet therapist, I can give pretty grounded advice.....even if it isn't just the warm and fuzzy "it gets better in time I am so sorry for your loss"....cuz there is much more to this post than meets the eye.....

Step 1...elaborate on your situation. Why are you most worried about your feeling alone when your wife is struggling with life and death through addiction, bulimia and suicidal ideation and attempts...

Anyways, I am all ears and hopefully some other forum members that are well-grounded will chime in as well. Take it easy and be good to yourself.
_Dave_

There's lots of helpful folks here, but I can recommend another good site for folks in your exact situation: www.soyouvebeendumped.com You will find enormous support and insight there. I encourage you to check it out. IN the meantime,sending hugs. I know it's horrible right now,but believe me: this too shall pass. Just hold on and keep moving, minute to minute if you have to. Eventually you'll find yourself on higher ground.

Chick1979, Verdale and Daveh98, thank you so much for your kindness and support. I can't stop crying while I read your messages. I spent the morning going to the bank to pay the rent and to Tesco. All morning I'm just a stony faced frozen man. When I read your messages I started crying because there is something positive I can relate to.

When I first met my wife we formed a kind of doctor-patient typre relationship, because she had so many addictions and health issues. It wasn't like a normal man meets woman scenario. Much of our initial dating was conducted in hospitals and police stations. Friends of mine and even my wife's own brother expressed surprise and confusion as to why I was so interested in her when so clearly she was troubled and trouble. Because I had been sober for 8 years, prior to that my circumstances and behaviour were similar to my wife's, maybe that's why I could relate to her. At some point I stopped drinking and became addicted to the Valium my doctor prescribed and promazine muscle relaxants.

When my gp. stopped prescribing me valium and promazine I started buying Nytol and Syndol painkillers and took this in high doses each day. I continued to smoke cigarettes and take these over-the counter drugs. At some point I became interested in Buddhism but I continued to take the codeine and smoke. There have been periods of being totally clean and subconsciously I understand that that place is an amazing place and if I was there permanently my life would be amazing, but it seems very, very difficult to get back to that amazing place because of the quick pain relieving effects of the cigarettes, nytols and codeine/antihistamine sedatives. Prior to meeting my wife I had a relationship with a woman who was a bit older than me. She had a good influence over me, she was creative, strong willed and we had the same attitude towards organisation and both enjoyed and understood the importance of making an effort for things. She too had addiction problems but on the whole she had it under control. She had a ten year old son who provided an anchor for her and a reason not to lose herself to addictions. But we split up because I think she couldn't picture a future with me.

Shortly after this I met my wife. My wife's main problem has always been Bulimia but this is exasperated when she drinks, which she does to excess and has led to her cutting her wrist and repeated hospital incidents.

Between us there was always an atmosphere of guilt, suspicion and recrimination.

I was raised as a catholic and I remember my mother who died in 2002 could never just "be," there was always some hidden neurosis and everything was done in a secretive way. There always had to be blame and guilt and nothing could just be OK as it is. My mother was always so neurotic and panic-stricken, she used to do a trick which was to ask me a question and then cut me off before I could answer. She knew this frustrated me but she always did that for some sadistic satisfaction, I don't know. Anyway my wife did the same, cutting me off, I couldn't talk to her, discuss issues, discuss problems or thoughts or just say what was on my mind - for fear of recrimination.. When I got into Buddhism I loved the directness, simplicity and straightness. It was everything I had always needed. But then when I met my wife, her strange style, which is like there is always something just out of view, under the surface, something clicked in me and I felt some connection with her, maybe because she was similar to my mother.

Despite enormous pain and difficulty and horrendous circumstances involving violence, accidents, eviction, police, ambulance, psychiatric hospitals, social workers - despite all that something made me loyal to her. She went to a psychiatric hospital for four months and I stayed loyal all through that. She took amiltriptyline antidepressents - 150mg - every night alond with antaethyl anti-alcohol pills. Her father would phone each night at 10pm and ask me if she had taken her medicine because he too was concerned about her history of getting into trouble.

All this time I have been trying to make some short films and I do oil painting which I really enjoy. But at the same time I'm quite shy and can't make friends easily. My wife used to get depressed because she couldn't get involved with my art stuff because she wasn't motivated or interested. Her tastes were very mainstream and despite being 28 she seemed to have a chil'd mentality. She seemed to admire Michael Jackson and Madonna and was dazzled by what I would consider superficial image. She did seemed to be very image-conscious and her Bulimia-related outlook on life meant that she was permanently weighing herself, looking in the mirror, doing her makeup - but that was it - there seemed to be very little else to her personality. Despite my attempts to get her involved in movies or painting she never seemed interested. And for some reason, despite our differences and contradictions and the fact that we had a different pace of doing things and attitude towards things I had somehow convinced myself that she was the woman of my dreams who I will grow old with. Then suddenly she just left and that was it.

Talking about this is fantastic. I know I have written alot and I don't expect it to be all read through but I want to express my gratitude for this forum, simply the fact that it has enabled my to express all the confusion in my head and I actually now feel, a very tiny bit, a step towards clarity.

Thank you for sending those lovely messages, when I'm down so much like this it and there is nowhere else to go for emotional connection or any kind of support this really, really, really means alot. Thank you.

PoppyGoodWill, thanks for sending that link, it's appreciated.

Daveh98, I tried sending you a PM but it's not clear if it's gone through, so I'm going to paste it here too:

Hi Dave, thanks for your support and the opportunity to PM you. Thanks also for your insights on dating sights, yeas they are superficial and do little to ease the pain, they make it worse. I'm glad to can see the distinction between real human contact and online communication, these days alot of peopl don't seem to see thet distinction, it's baffling. Regarding your question why do I feel alone while your wife struggles with life or death situations. I think because when we met it wasn't a regular man meets woman scenario it was more like a doctor meets patient scenarion. For the first 2 years she was in life or death situations. She would mix alcohol on top of antidepressents and this led to her having epileptic fits. You wouldn't believe some of the nightmare scenarios we have been in.

Subconsciously I think I believed that I was helping her and that somehow we were slowly recovering together. In the last year she slipped a few times but on the whole stuck to her medication of anataethyl and amitriptyline so hasn't had any drin-related trouble recently. But she's constantly depressed. What exasperated our relationship was that all the attention was directed at her. Despite my previous drink problem and subsequent sedative issues we never spoke about that, only about her issues. And suddenly she just left with no warning. So I am confused, for three years I have believed that some progress was being made between us and it's been shattered. I am disorientated and disillusioned because it seems all my efforts were for nothing.

I am scared for both of us, for her because, when we were together I waqs permanently worried what she was doing - if she was OK, if she's had a fit, been arrested, been hospitalised, we used to phone each other 100s of times a day and now all that has ended. If she goes back to drinking, gets hospitalized, arrested, I won't know. It's a horrible, nightmare feeling. And I'm scared for myself because I know the depths I can sink to when I start getting into substance and drug abuse and to escape that horrible nightmare feeling I know that I packet of painkillers would work a treat. But I also know that I would be covering up the truth and my deep urge to lead a normal, clean, healthy life.

I feel like I'm at the fork in the roads, one path leads to sedatives and painkillers and the other path leads to the buddhist centre. Maybe I need the cold light of day the buddhist centre can offer but the horrible nightmare feeling of not knowing what my wife is doing or if she's OK provokes me to head for the nearest pharmacy. I know that somehow I have to understand that she didn't want this relationship, but after 3 years I am disillusioned and disorientated as to why it failed.

Talking about this has really helped and my mood has improved since I wrote these last couple of lengthy messages. My wife went into a cold trance before she went. She didn't want to speak or discuss anything. It was like 3 years of experience together amounted to nothing for her. It's her colness that hurts the most. The job I do is a rough,ignorant kind of job and it exasperates my fragile mentality at the moment. So I really appreciate the positive influence and sense of genuine concern offered by you Dave and the others who replied earlier. Thanks.

Hey,

well the feeling you are describing is that co-dependency which is not a good thing. You are, as you say, scared for the "both of you" and you describe that you don't know how she is doing. You mention phoning 100s of times daily as far as checking up and seeing how progress is going. The reality is, that is your dependency issue. If you don't get the call or don't know how she is doing, then you feel empty and restless.

You are too early in your recovery to offer her the kind of relationship she needs. Truly loving her will be letting her go. In the relationship, the phoning and checking was not your job. Therapy, groups, image management, medications/pharmacotherapy, are the appropriate meaures. Your job is a loving husband. Your bottom line is "I love you and I will support you but only in recovery." The suicide, relapses and bulimia did not seem to be in remission and the co-dependency was the difficulty in separating because that would have left you with an uncomfortable feeling.

But you do deserve love, respect and someone to share a MUTUALLY beneficial relationship with; where the focus is two-way as opposed to 1 way.

You taking the high road, working on your issues, maintaining employment, maybe going to some meetings will do wonders for you and your self-concept. You can still be concerned for your wife but maybe it is time to realize that she is in need of help much beyond what you can provide. Your relationship is too intertwined and "toxic" and enabling and that would not give her the best chance at finding her recovery either. Real love will be to "detach with love." You will survive this. Maybe you two can work things out IF she and you both get appropriate help and separate for a bit. Or maybe you two both decide that your road together is not healthy (it isn't in its current state) and decide that your true happiness is yet to be found.

I am more of an isolative guy but that didn't stop me from finding love...again. It happens, often many times. Don't go back to your love that you know will be there no matter what (alcohol/drugs). Maybe start going to some meetings and investigating ways to improve self like the ideas you have previously mentioned. Glad to hear today was a bit better than before.

Thanks Dave, you've given me alot to chew on. You're right about it being a toxic relationship, our true feeling and intentions were too ties-up with all the medical and addiction issues. I have been to AA meetings in the past but I'm put off by the talking in front of strangers. I think I will visit the Buddhist meditation group to see what that's like.

It has been a very intense and confusing time recently. It's difficult, and I'm almost reluctant to, become clear and objective. Yes the phoning her 100s of times a day does indicate a lack of balance in the relationship doesn't it. I guess if she was meant for me she would have ansered. I am glad you see that it should be a two way effort, thanks for these insights. Today I feel a bit more better. There are reminders of my wife all over the place, places we went together, objects etc. It's helpful writing and reading advice on this forum.

Now it's the hardest time. I am at work in my evening job. They are all dressed up because they are going out on the town tonight. I'm perceived as a very intense individual so they havn't asked me to go with them. I have to withstand all their sarcastic comments then go home to my empty home. I feel like somebody who no longer exists.

It isn't an empty home now; maybe it was emptier previously. Right now, when you get home, try to reframe your environment. Is it really empty? Are there issues with bulimia to come home to? Alcohol problems? Suicide attempts? What is empty is that rollercoaster. For now, you can have peace in your home. Go for a nice run, rent a movie, light some candles. Make tonight a relaxing night for you. It doesn't matter that people are going out of town, as I have a feeling you would rather be in the comfort of your own home anyway.

Regarding meetings, they aren't for everyone. But you can go to different meetings where you just sit back and listen to other people. In the states they are called "Open meetings" and I would suggest looking into those. How are you doing without the drinking and drugging? Any slips?

View this night as a good night, filled with peace and tranquility....

I havn't slipped regarding drink but I have started to take amitriptyline, antihistamines and codeine and cigarettes to get to sleep. I understand that I can't drink anymore - I slipped one too many times re: booze and I know if I return to that then my days will be numbered. The sedatives help me sleep and sedate me when I'm awake. I've been trying to keep myself busiy today, running around town, but it's the evenings that are the worst. My gp put me on amitriptyline for the permanent headaches I suffer from so I still have some left. They just zap you and they knock you out. I intend to start with the Buddhist meditation on Tuesday and I will really try to stop the sedtaives then. I know I can achieve inner peace but I'm far from it right now.

Evenings can be the hardest, when you've got to fill up your time and there's nothing to distract you. Exercise really helps me. Anything at all, even if it's just going for a long walk. Or go to the gym. It will get you out of hte house and you'll physically feel better and it will give you a sense of accomplishment. sending hugs.

Thanks Poppy. I do enjoy walking and cycling. This is such an upsetting time because I believed one thing but the opposite happened. So I'm left thinking were those 3 years all for nothing. One night my wife was drunk and behaving aggresively. The police came twice that night and some emergency social workers came too.

I forced myself to withstand all those difficulties, believing that we loved each other and that one day she will be healthy and clean again. So for three years I believed I was moving towards a solution with my wife but then she packed her bags and went. It will take some time but I have to accept she wasn't the right woman for me. There was always an atmosphere of stress, suspicion, anger. I want to change that now and live within an atmosphere of peace, calmness and harmony.

It's particularly tough at the weekend. Last night I took 125mg amitriptyline and 300 mg of diphenhydramine. Today I woke up feeling dizzy and week. I have to force myself to stop taking the sedatives and instead find peace and calmness at the Buddhist centre and rest assured that it never went right between my wife and myself but the right woman is out there somewhere. Also I have to manage my film projects and try and encourage a culture of art, learning, harmony. But right now my hands are shaking and I feel totally lost.