Split Up With Wife

Hi there,
Firstly, I'm sorry you feel so bad at the moment, but you are not alone.
I divorced after 7 years too and it seems a common time ? seven year itch.

It is a devastating situation when it happens and I felt that my life had been a waste and nothing felt 'real' anymore after my marriage ended.
However, it's happend and you need to accept it as such and allow yourself to grieve for the loss.

There are no words that will change how you feel right now and again that's hard to accept when you feel so wretched.
All i an offer you is that life can be better and it will, but perhaps you need to take things in steps.... try and not focus on the anger and rage and feelings of bitterness as they won't help, but are the easiest emotions to grab hold of, as they will feed your need to use codiene and possibly lapse back to booze.
Remember, no matter what you do to yourself, it won't change the fact your relationship is over.... that's hard to accept but it is.

As for the family issues? Often this is a reaction to not knowing what to say or do for you, so people avoid you rather than offer 'support'. Perhaps expalin that you aren't looking for sympathy and problem solving just for them to be there for you.... you may also need to accept they can't change the situation either so don't keep being helpless around them...

When I first told my mum my marriage was over... she actually said I was lucky!! This made no sense at the time but what she meant was I had another chance of being happy, wereas, she was stuck with her marriage as she's in her late 60's, or was then.

I took a year off women, so I could focus on finding who i was again and what i wanted from any future relationship... try and not find a cure for yourself because it probably won't work because she will only be there to compensate for your sadness. Ask yourself, do you need another woman right now? or do you need to recover and work through what's happend?

Feel free to come back here and vent or whatever... gradually yhr fog will clear and you will see things better.

If you decide to wallow in your misery, you will feel miserable. If you decide to take substances, then you'll end up with what they give...

It's early days yet, so don't make decisions based on anger... they rarely work out for the best.

best wishes

Forgiveness will set you free, are you willing to change? are you willing to forgive?

Hi Tokeless,

Thanks that's really good of you to take the time to write such a considered response. I'm sorry to hear that your marriage ended after 7 years too.

I will try and take on board your wise advice. I was crying in front of everybody in my office yesterday, it was a total nightmare. I feel a bit better today. I guess I'm looking to dating sites and codeine as a way to soften the blow. You're right, nothing feels real right now. It feels numb and cold. I got a chinese takeaway last night and as I walked up to the counter the seated customers didn't seem real, they seemed like waxworks or plastic people in a fairground. Nothing seems real at the moment. To confound problems, I've discovered my wife has relapsed into booze since I left last week. Now her parents are bearing the brunt of her aggressive and abusive behaviour but I'm worried about her. She's got a history of self-harm and she's been in and out of rehab and mental wards. It's difficult to continue with my new life when I'm surrounded by so much darkness and confusion but I'll do my best. You're right about the taking time off from women. I think I was just going through some kind of role play with her without really enjoying it or even feeling it. Boy why is life such a pain in the neck?!

Julius, thanks for your sentiments but it's just not as simple as that. I find this kind of generic / Christian attitude - or whatever it is - to be patronising and kind of ignorant. But thanks anyway, I know you mean well.

I am not a Christian, and there is a reason why all the religions talk about forgiveness.

Hi again..
thanks for yor reply but in my case it wss the best and worse thing to happen. All I knew is I wasn't happy and we'd tried to fix it and went to relate etc but when somethings broken it's broken so it was for the best... I got a beautiful out of it so not all bad.
why did you split and was it what you wanted or her? She will be feeling her own emotions and it's easy to feel you want to help but this is her journey to take but it depends who wanted the split I guess.
crying s healthy so find somewhere safe or supportive and get in touch with the feelings, they are normal for what's going on.... take every day as it comes. Join a gym and keep busy..... I tried to embrace my new life and the freedom to be me again rather than focus too much on the loss..... it will pass if you let go of it when you're ready..
keep in touch and if I can help I'd be happy to.

best wishes

Hi Fresha,

The end of a relationship tends to result in two different sets of emotions:
1. Anger, frustration etc.
2. Sadness, emptiness, hopelessness etc.

The way to deal with these emotions is very different, but in both cases the trick is to put yourself in the right context and then allow the emotions to be processed by surrendering to them. We cannot out-think our emotions, we have to allow them to be processed by the emotion-processing (i.e. feeling) part of our mind, which is quite separate from our logic-processing (i.e. thinking) part of our mind.

For anger, it is best to be alone, outside, far from people. Then shout out your anger, stamp your feet and shake your fists at the sky. Focus your anger on the Universe, rather than any people (including yourself) - it is totally unfair that the Universe should allow you to love someone, to have been in love with someone, but make your relationship one of incompatibility.

For sadness, you should put yourself in a safe place, indoors, amongst good friends (which may or may not include some members of your family). Then allow yourself to cry. You will feel much better afterwards. Unfortunately, crying alone is worse than useless, it just seems to add to our sadness.

At the moment you are overflowing with these emotions. As you start to process them, you will find that they are exorcised, and thus dissipate.

Getting your emotions back under control is just the first stage of recovering from the end of your relationship. I strongly suggest that you refrain from making any big decisions, until you feel that you have regained some balance.

I hope that you find these ideas helpful.
Best wishes,
John

I've got an order of inositol coming in, and supposedly it's therapeutic with panic attacks. Could be risky, but I'm giving it a go anyways. It's a popular ingredient in energy drinks.

Energy drinks would be one of the first things I would recommend quitting to someone with panic attacks.

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Don't you have any son? daughter?

I think its important you find someone to talk to. If you cant confide in your family without feeling limited in expressing your feelings, then you need to find someone who you feel comfortable expressing your emotions to. Possibly a therapist. Its really important you express your emotions in a healthy way in order to recover from what you re going through. Have a picture or goal of what you hope to achieve and work your way towards that goal. It takes hard work but with determination you can overcome what you're feeling and going through

Thanks so much.

Right now I'm feeling so low and suicidal. I've been taking strong soluble codeine every night for 3 weeks now. I've been on a couple of dates which were disastrous, "why don't you smile?" etc. I feel totally at the end of my wits. I've phoned my ex-wife a few times but she's nasty and abusive then hangs up. I was a good husband, I don't understand why all this pain is happening to me for no reason.

All pain is a message to us to love ourselves more, love other people more or love this moment more.