Being an over-giver

Postby Unconscious » Sun Feb 20, 2022 7:26 pm

Hi, I am actually new here and needed to adress my feelings somewhere it felt safe

I know that I am an over-giver, i love to express my love for my friends and family through gifts and small attentions. Especially with my friends, I’ll do anything to lift up their mood and even put my own feelings aside to make sure that they feel better even when that makes me feel bad, I would also not talk about some things they might have done that hurted me because I don’t want to bother them and all that kind of stuff but lately it’s been so hard. I’m feeling really hurt by some of my friends behaviour and as always I didn’t talk it out and I’m just full of resentment now and I feel like I’m being unfair to them because I didn’t try to communicate those feelings sooner. But I also feel like they should see that I’m not feeling well and ask me why because thats what I would do for them.
For example, we went on a trip recently with three of my friends, one day we were suppose to all go out for the entire day but I cancelled on the very morning because I didn’t feel like going and told them to go without me and have fun. And that was genuine. I stayed home alone and was fine with that it was my decision but for the whole day they didn’t send me any message to ask how I was doing, what I was doing or anything like that and I felt left out. Even when they came back at the end of the day none of them asked me what I did all day like they didn’t even care..
And those kind of events are happening a lot recently, I know they don’t have bad intentions but it just hurts to see that they sometimes won’t do for me what I would naturally do for them

I don’t really have a question, I just needed to express my feelings somewhere
Thanks to those who will read this till the end
Feel free to comment or tell me your thoughts about this.. maybe I’m just an over thinker too
Unconscious
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Feb 20, 2022 7:48 pm

Unconscious wrote:…it just hurts to see that they sometimes won’t do for me what I would naturally do for them…


You see yourself as a giver. But you are not a giver in the true sense, because your giving comes with strings attached.

Read what you wrote. Read it again. Read it again.

You expect others to do for you. Not out of the kindness of their hearts, but because they should do for you what you would “naturally” do for them. And what is it that you naturally do? You do things for others in order to make yourself feel good and w/ expectations implied of reciprocity.

A true giver expects NOTHING in return. They give for the sake of giving. They give because it is the right thing to do.

This is a guess, but your friends have probably picked up on this “over giving” trait you display. When you canceled, they made a decision to not include you. And why should they? They are well aware that your giving comes with your emotions attached. Your giving comes with a social contract that they did not agree to. Your giving comes with a “bill due” to be reclaimed at a time of your choosing. It can be exhausting to have that type of friend.

My advice is to either be honest with yourself and understand that your giving is not selfless, that you expect reciprocity, or to change your perspective and give without expectation of anything in return.
Richard@DecisionSkills
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#2

Postby Unconscious » Sun Feb 20, 2022 8:42 pm

Thanks for exposing your point !!
I see what you mean and maybe at some point I didn’t express myself the way I wanted to.
When I give to people I don’t expect them to give me back like I don’t think that they owe me anything because I’ve been kind and caring to them, I do that because a love seeing them happy and it makes me happy too
But yes, I have to admit that sometimes they do thing and I think to myself « why are they doing that to me I would never » and maybe that’s where I join your point but most of the time I know that they don’t express themselves the same way I do and I can’t be mad at them for that. I don’t expect the same attentions I give back, because I know that’s not how everyone works but some actions just makes me question if they think of how their actions could make me feel. Still knowing they never do anything to hurt me
But I always take in consideration the way they feel, how they can be hurt by some things that maybe wouldn’t hurt me but I know would hurt them
And I just feel that sometimes they don’t do that « effort »
But still I appreciate what you said to me, it’s making put in perspective what I feel and how my actions can be perceived
Thank you again, and have a pleasant evening
Unconscious
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