Problems...

Hi,

Yeah, I know what you mean. You did everything you could and she still would not cooperate. The issue of who is right and who is wrong is what puts couples in a bind because each one wants to save face and not back down. I've seen so many couples get divorces just because neither one of them wanted to back down. The key to getting past this is not to defend yourself in any way against the other person, but instead invite criticism and ask them for advice. The theory behind this is a conflict resolution principle of separating the problem away from the person. You want to be hard on the problem, yet soft on the person, and not mix the two things together. She wants a target to attack and by being defensive or counterattacking, you become an easy target for her to strike at. Instead, offer her no target to strike at by not reacting to her tactics and DO acknowledge what she has to say positively.....even if it is completely wrong. I'm a competitive fighter, so I always make likenesses to martial arts....but you want to handle confrontations with a martial arts mentality. I tell my students to be like the nature of water when dealing with difficult people because it offers no surface to strike at, you cant hurt it, and it has the power to trickle gently or crash with great force. Remember that acknowledging someone does not mean that you have to agree with them at all. It simply means that you are listening to them and trying to understand their views and their perspective on the situation without filtering it through your own perspective....active listening is the single greatest tool in defusing someone's anger and for gaining rapport.

Here is the simple mindset that I think of when I feel that I am getting angry:

If I react = They Win

If I respond tactically to the problem and not the person = I win

I know this does not answer all the questions, but its a step in the right direction. I suggest reading books on the subject and educating yourself in the dynamics of anger....By understanding it more, you'll be better equipped to deal with it. Hope this helps....And hope you have better luck with faxes too (I don't trust the darn machines).

Well...

I have heeded your advice and very good advice it is as well. I will endeavour to be much more patient and try to adhere to this philosophy. Your advice is very sound and much appreciated.

Thank you, I truly take my hat off to you.

Regards


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