Crisis (as usual)

I want chatolics helping here and chatolics only , thank you and hope you will understand and respect my wish.


So , I’ve experienced seeing Jesus as little kid , man in white with leaned back , head down , with spiky crown walking in front of us kids playing and going behind a wall , I remember my cousins being in shock when I told them ...

My dad hide 400 marks into Bible and one day he was laughing like hahah I hide money here knowing no one will read it ,and I said : ‘I will get one paper (small pieces of paper and random verses in Bible written on them , like Luke 15,34 for example , written on them) and if money will be on the same page I get the money ... okay okay .. I took Syrah 13,1 and he opened the Bible and ... everyone was in shock .. money was on that page , seriously better chances hitting a jackpot than that ..(he didn’t give me money as verse sais Whoever touch resin get fingers sticky and whoever is in a conpany of a ‘bad person’ becomes one ... poorly translated haha )

I had a girl that didn’t believe in devil and was doing yoga and I was like Come on do not do those eastern praxes as we have beautiful religion here (she was Spanish chatolic and me Croatian one ) and she was : Devil do not exist , on which I just said : I will dissprove you . Soon after I was telling here there is God that died for her and she was crying of happines hearing all of the stuff I was saying and we went for confesion (she didn’t do it in 15 years ) and she was praying here first rosary after so many years and then .... (meanwhile she had a horrible dream of some woman bitting her finger in a dream and that niggt I woke up feeling demons on me etc and we woke up from our dreams at the same moment ) I am dreaming that night , more like morning around 8 am , Blanka is somewhere surounded with some fellas , drinking with them but so sad and desperate , then she is going away from me and into some bar going with a first guy she saw in and me feeling horrible and then I am taking some path uphill somewhere and then suddendly woman , blonde , tound like a triangle , all out , mocking me , and her eyes ... were calling me so deeply , there was something so calling in them , you stare and it is wow !!! But so creapy as I shook my self out of it and then she said , in masculine gender ... : ‘ Predugo sam se trudio oko nje , nećeš mi je uzeti !’ (I was trying too hard around her , you will not take her away from me ) jesus , how amazed I was , usualy I would be getting demons in dreams sometimes , would hear them saying stuff to me but this was wow !! I wasn’t afraid and I went into living room as she was awake and told her a dream and she couldn’t believe how woman from her dream and mine looks the same and we described all perfectly the same .... One day we were in a living room and we could feel something in apartment , then we were both afraid , so there was something next to the doors and we could both feel it ... I was so damn scared but didn’t want to say to her ... I think that was even day before that dream .. all in all , all the time trough that relationship at some moments I was acting so angry and abusive and I COULDN’t believe how I was , all the time I would be thinking ... She is going yo screw me and leave me or she will cheat on me one day and simillar but in fact I was amazed that she came all the way from Spain for me , loved her with not just all my heart but ... I dunno , I just stayed still in my mind back in thise days .. we broke up when she left to Spain and we were supposed to meet in Germany to live and work together as I had family there and now I am here alone , sevent months after , but I just couldn’t make our relationship work .. was overanalising , talking too much , she would be so nice to me millions of times , got even pearcings from ears and nose for me as I found it stupid as she was beautiful so much, and still I didn’t give her biggest kiss for that ever as I was just scared all the time .. when we had bad times I would get papers out and they would be always saying what we were just talking about , so much God doing his efforts and me just being stupid I dunno ... I couldn’t even be calm for a day , God how much I still love her , like I didn’t look any single girl after her and not even thinking about it .. and before that breakup I was in my house and she was in Spain and I was all in tears and eating myself what an idiot I am and speaking out loud in agony in me to God : ‘ Why I am like without strenght and so weak ? What do you want from me in my life ? ‘ two hours later Branka , family friend having gifts of a Holy Spirit send me a message : ‘ Pray to st.Joseph for a strenght and muscularity , I want you to be my witness in this world ‘

Hey I couldn’t believe , we were miles away , me praying in my room and she texted me (sometimes I would ask her for a ‘message from God’ ) but this was so straight and into the bone !!!

Meanwhile Blanka travelling to Spain cause I was acting like possesed , being so angry like a devil on her cause one day I spotted a lie and I was so angry , and then I was so mad she is lying to me I pushed her on a bed and hit with a blanket , two more times before that , and every single time I could just say Hey I need you to talk to me and to calm me but I would be hitting her like you hit someone being anrgy on but not in a fight , and I just made her see me in bad light and see me as a violent person or something .. she was so mad I was doing that with her and not with other girls before and she was afraid so much ... I dunno all just happened so wuickly , I was jelous which in my case is - just don’t lie to me ! I don’t care who is looking at her and stuff if I trust her , so I wanted to build up trust as I had bad relationships before in which I was like her in this situation , away from home and having someone horrible around (allthought she would have beautiful moments but still I was bad af to her - but I didn’t want to be and I just wanted peace in my heart )

She was mad on that sentance : I just want peace. Now I see I didn’t know how to say to her that I just need trust , and she was impulsive like me ( me not being before but man after you see some demons and being a priest and father and a boyfriend at once you gotta fail ) so all in all ended in dissaster.

I even shouldn’t remember all of those stuff as tomorrow morning I would be so depressed but I gotta say .

Btw she spend more than 5,000 euros in that relationship and I never ever was using her for money as I don’t care for money but still I was spending it and it just sucks as we spend all in three months on apartments and food and she got me PS4 for my burthday and a telly and bunch of stuff and I was just so happy having someone willing to share all with me and I was just loving her more and more . But later on she said like I was using her for money and I was just typing all days long about this and that but she didn’t believe me .

It is a really long story .. so I ended up in panic attacks afterwards , that were already starting during relationship , then depression after a day I came to Germany she broke up , then depersonalisation and derealisation , went to psyhiatric to get some pills to calm as I didn’t want to use ganja to calm down and he told me depression and anxiety in high levels . No signs of some delusions etc so I was more calm . Took me seven months to come to a day now that I feel that I have DP and DR under control ( btw didn’t start taking AD but was having some Xanax ) and things are getting better .

But what had happened in those days is the most horrible thing I went trough . All my life I just wanted someone like her and was blessed with God’s presence in my life even noe going trough all that mental stuff , I really thought I am having psyhosis and stuff as I was scared af , but all in all ending good.

God ... I am so out of frames I was tought how to believe , and fighting with people , or seeing myself as better or something , I even don’t have need for having nothing except for a bycicle in my life and I don’t need any money , I just wanted my Blanki and me and I didn’t believe how obedient I can be to God , in a way - all that that happened I accused myself and not God or her or anyone (although there was lot of stuff included and not just me definately ) and now I am in my bed and just seeing me before as ... Who was that person (okay so much DP involved in that hahah but still ) and how I could be that blind for seeing what I need and how I feel and seeing how one person can really love you with acts .
I mean Blanka was hard af in some stuff , so anxious and making dramas for nothing , but I just saw her as me , now I even understand why she was saying there is no God when you have brain working and seeing that people talking about it are really not knowing what they are talking but in my case when I would be talking there was always something supernatural happening that you can’t dissproof and people would feel secure and loved , but okay this time I failed bad .

I would be really happy seeing here trully happy and would be cured of depression if I just could hear : ‘I forgive you Antun .’ But still life goes on , sometimes I was just wanting to end it , sometimes I would find a reason to live till 5 pm and then suicidal again and then going to sleep , sometimes you see some people doing really beautiful acts and it touches you , sometimes you see how people are just having wars on daily basis between eachother , sometimes you don’t eat for days , sometimes you have that wish for food again and it makes you so happy ... then you realise :’ How rich I was before !! ‘ , sometimes you don’t see any light , sometimes you give a smile to a waitress having a really long day at work and it makes you happy seeing how they are saying thank you trough looking at your eyes , sometimes you are scared looking at people overwhelmed by anxiety , sometimes you like that coffee again , sometimes you go into full DP/DR mode after drinking it , sometimes Sinatra seems like nothing special anymore but sometimes you play guitar again with ease and love , sometimes you wanna not being born at all sometims just looking at your mom gives you new strenght ...


Jesus , I saw him when I was kid , and as Noble prize winner for literature from Balkans , Ivo Andrić says : ‘ You just gave me a cross in this life when I was still little boy and departed me into it .’ ,I can just say the same thing .

Blanka , every single day of my depressions and anxiety I would be saying to God :’ Let this be my prayer for her as I have nothing good to offer ‘ and then I would do my best not to be bad that day to make that gift to God clear and pure and sometimes that made me go forward .

Sometimes playing with sister’s kid makes me so much responsible to learn that kid some important stuff but mist of all to give her a smile and joy , as I was born during a war and all I could remember is bombing and us fleeing , I remember going to school and we were given a bread and bottle of milk a day from UN forces , but this kid ... I just love seeing her happy and helping my siss and brother in law in bad periods , to my two bros and older siss , and I found my purpose in just one thing ... it is not God , that is who created me ... I found it in the same thing he had for us ... love ... this time I can love someone and being silent about it and writting here , but most of the days I just can find motivation in other people’s suffers , as I was always a fox that found it’s carcase sokewhere to steal or a mouse to catch .

Me , I feel it is time to go , far away , and to do big things , which firstly had to be born in your heart , when you see the most important thing - you are nothing without one true and honest support that never changes and that is Jesus Christ .

I am biggest sinner who will do his stuff often , I am biggest idiot sometimes but still I find God giving me missions to do , I am biggest nothing but still find whole world in my heart in my prayers , I am just a human but still I’ve done what human can’t do , I am bad bad bad but still some people find good in me , I am depressed but still I help others along the way when I need help , I am humgry but still living hungry for a long time , I am thirsty of love but still having a spring in me for others ...

I am just a man but still there is God walking in front of me .


Love you all . Antun