Hello. I'm not really sure how to go about this. I would like outsiders' opinions/advice on where I currently struggle, with the hope that one day I will be able to love myself.
I've had a hard time with self esteem and self confidence since as far back as I can remember. Recently, I've made a push to "fix" myself because I met someone who has made me happier than I could ever imagine, and I would like to be able to see myself in the same light that he sees me in. I think (guess to the best of my ability) my issues stem from my mother nit-picking at everything about me (your hair would look nice like x instead; if you lost weight you'd have so many boys chasing you; why don't you wear makeup; you're dressing like a slob, why would you go out like that). I know she doesn't mean them maliciously but slowly over the years, the comments have whittled down whatever confidence I have into a cesspool of anxiety about who I am. I can't be anything less than perfect and I'm pretty much as far from this "perfect" standard as I'll ever be.
To make it brief, these are the kind of thoughts that go through my head every day: what's wrong with my eyebrows, they're so sparse unlike that girl's; I'm so fat I'm disgusting, how could he ever find this attractive; these stretch marks can never be seen by another person; I don't know how to do makeup it looks awful; my hair is getting too thin and it's never as perfect as that girl's; I can't dress up because I'm fat fat fat; people would take one look at me legs and want to vomit; would he be ashamed to have me standing next to him; my face is too flat (I'm Asian) how ugly; all these people's significant others are skinny and pretty - to give a few examples. I get so focused on thinking these are the things other people will think about me, I'm too afraid to be myself or let myself be seen (social anxiety) because I believe they'll always think the worst and nitpick at everything about me. I try to tell myself I'm smart, I'm not that ugly, I'm on the heavy side but so are other girls and they're still beautiful, I come from a good family, I'm kind and well-mannered, yet at the end of the day, the feelings of being disgusting and unwanted overwhelms all the positive.
While I've accepted this kind of thinking about myself, I'm terrified my insecurities will drive my boyfriend away because I have such a difficult (near impossible) time believing he thinks I'm beautiful. This then leads to doubts about whether he really loves someone like me because I'm so awful, and he doesn't deserve that mistrust from me. I want to be better mostly for myself, for the sake of my happiness, and for the joy that he brings to my life. If learning to love myself is the key, I want to learn to do that and I'd like to know if my way of thinking is as screwed up as I'm hoping it is, and how I can even begin to fix myself. I want to be able to go out on a date wearing a dress without heavy stockings on to cover every inch of my skin, and to actually feel beautiful with my clothes off in front of him. Thank you.