Hello everyone. I had really intense anxiety previous years. I lost interest in friendships and any communication with people.Currently i'm with tendency of recovery, but still without friendships.
In my young childhood my father was alchocolic and mother always with depression, without communicating with any friends. Father never gave me any advice nor to my sister about anything. Mother, without any experience never had any suggestion about anything. Always felt left out of everything. I see that at my sister also.
When i started faculty i started some friendships where i didn't know how to behave, always as some kind of nerd and fool at same time. Always had some kind of disagrement since primary school and many were taking me as nerd with good grades.At faculty i meet girlfriend which broke my heart after several months of relationship. I started drinking too much with friends. I was wandering with people without any reason. Here i need to explain exactly what happened and i need advice from people willing to tell something about:
When i was about 5yo old i was kind of sexually abused by my mother, she was sometimes touching my penis when no one else was around. Also was showing me her breasts sometimes. I didn't know what that meant. I think i told that to my father at some moment then and after she told him i'm child making story. She was lost with her alchocolic husband and later i heard she aborted anoter son after 3 months of pregnancy. She was always kind of weird and shy communicating with people. Today i have a girlfriend and don't see my parents so much, trying to have nice communication.
So my young relationhip with mother i didn't know how to understand. At about 13 years old i saw my penis is getting big and didn't know why, as always noone told about anything. So after saw white seemen comming out for first time i was scared as hell. After that i was faping regularly, imagining girlfriends from school. When started secondary school i got pc and was watching porn. Lot of types of girlfriends excited me and was really horny.
In that time i was curious about anal satisfaction. It was interesting to think about. So sometimes i was watching regular porn with girls putting something to my anus and faping thinking about satisfyng myself as to girl. Moment i cummed, i stoped anal satisfaction. Later i learnt aboug male g spot. It wasn't so common to do it, but after that i was walking strange a bit. No one noticied that i thought.
Then i met my first girlfriend at faculty and i didn't do that in that time. She was virgin and didn't want sex, but we loved each other and were doing staff in bed sometimes. I was really happy. When she left me i started drinking havily and sometimes again anal satisfying myself while watching porn. I tried to see gay porn but i didn't like that at all.
So where my hell begins. When some people self called friends, wanting me just when needed to do some favour for them, which i was drinking and using marijuana with, figured out i'm walking strange. Then they figured out i was anal satifying myself. Then they pronounced me as gay, talking behind my back. They concluded since they never see me with any girlfriend, any courage to be in relationship, always not good will, i must be gay. They tried to pare me with gay person. It was talking without saying anything but you can read betwen lines if you understand. They brought me to breaking line where i got totaly mad and left them. I left many friend groups without talking to anyone, drinking alone in my room. I told that to my parents, as result i got them assuming me as gay. They told about their assumption to everyone they know. I got really scared about everything. I was drinking and not talking to anyone. Always hearing them through doors talking about gay things about me betwen lines. And as always not talking with me about anything. I became scared about doing anything wrong, walking wrong, telling anything that can lead to conlusion me as gay. When i got totaly lost alone, i was walking across streets to feel better but then i was more scared about people judging me. Scared that someone with look me to eyes as that gay person watching me. When i was drunk i felt better and more confident. At more than year of critical anxioty and depression i started to meet people more but always drunk with some kind of impoved self esteem. I started meeting prostitues where i lost my virginity. I got really nice penis massages also which now i see in some correlation with things happend when i was child.
It was before 10 years ago now. I have girlfriend, we have good sex, i'm not doing wrong ways about it. I still don't have many friend, and scary thoughts remained at some level. I'm still scared that someone wil pronounce me wrongly and in that case call me a liar and ruin me everything i made. I think my foolines still remained at some level and i will never understand that what i think matters and not that anyone make me.