by HolyTerror » Mon Feb 07, 2005 1:02 pm
I'm what the title says. A cold hearted b*tch. I swear I think if I had a soul I would hate myself. I almost want to avoid writing this post entirely because I know I could never say everything I wanted to, nor express it properly. I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to give you some bare basics. I have a problem. I get angry and snap at people over the stupidest things, only to see how wrong I was later. Also, when I am angry or irritated or sad about anything I take it out on those around me. I have even verbally attacked and screamed at my sister when she was just trying to help me. I have several times made her cry and for no good reason. I make a lot of people cry. And sometimes I don't stop there. I just keep attacking them verbally. Insulting them and attacking their weak points....purposefully targeting sensitive areas....and screaming at them. I become physcially violent sometimes, but I take it out on myself. At least now. When I was younger, I did physically attack a couple of my friends and a family member or two. Both friends stuck with me through that, but one eventually drifted away. The other is still my friend. I quit attacking others though. I have always- as a child and now- took it out on myself. Even when I attacked others I attacked myself, too. Hitting and biting myself and pulling my hair. I have actually beat knots into my head only a couple years ago. Oh yeah, and pinching (sometimes with my fingernails, breaking the skin) and scratching (bringing skin and blood at times) myself. I have a really long scar from scratching myself previously, but it's not because I hurt myself bad. I just scar easy. I scream and cry and beat the floor and sling myself about untill I am sick and my head hurts and I worry I am going to give myself an anurism. I will say I have some control over abusing myself though. I am too much of a coward and pain wimp to take it to far. I just do it some to release the rage. Anyways, back to being mean to others. When I am mad I say the meanest cruelest things I can possibly say. I mean I honestly become cruel. Sometimes it's calculating, but other times I just say it before I know what's coming out of my mouth. Either way I regret it, but I never stop and my apologies always have a "But" or an "Or" in them. I get angry at others for my own mistakes and I will actually continue to be rude to others during an argument even after they've returned to being nice to me and have apologized, agreed to give me my way, and even accepted full responsibility for the argument. I won't let it go and I won't let them let it go. I have to pick pick pick at people even when they're begging me to lay off. Sometimes I b*tch at people even though I know an argument is my fault, because I am upset, even if I am upset because of something I said to them earlier, rather than apologize I just take it out on them because I am dissapointed with myself. I know how stupid that is, but I don't stop. I don't know why. Sometimes I do feel justified in the begining but realize I either wasn't justified earlier. That I was plain wrong, or over reacted, or misunderstood, or that the other person misunderstood and I could have cleared it up if I talked it out calmly instead of jumping them. Other times I don't feel justified, but I can't stop. Well, I could I guess, but I don't. I have said things I can never take back. Cruel heinous heart wrenching things. I scream at theese people, too. Very loudly. Sometimes I won't even let them talk. I threaten to hurt myself. I throw phones. Not at people but just at random places. I have damaged phones this way and I think destroyed one. I slam doors and once made a hole in the wall, but it was an accident. I sometimes open them back up just to slam them repeatedly. I lock myself in the bathroom which distresses my family and loved ones. I think they think I am going to hurt myself, but I really just want to get away. My own mother has told me that I was the biggest problem she'd ever had in her life. She's told me I was so mean the devil was liable to come and carry me away and that I cared about no one but myself. And she's told me I was the devil. My sister said I could be such an a**hole sometimes and people call me meanie like it's a pet name. Even when they are being cheerful with me they call me mean and meanie. My very forgiving, accepting, understanding, loving, and tolerating boyfriend even admits I have a definite mean streak I need to work on. I take it out on people I care about most usually. I can't even be nice to people when they are sick or dieing. I feel evil sometimes. I told someone this before and they tried to convince me I was a good person. Now they think I am the devil too. I have been told I am so mean to people that they will prob. haunt me when they die. I am a horrible person and I feel like I make everyone's lives miserable and that they are all going to leave me alone because I am such an evil cold souless heartless cruel vindictive sadistic b*tch. I also have probs. with anxiety, general irritability, numbness, apathy, and oh yeah, if anyone says anything back to me sometimes I am just numb and other times I start to cry like they are the ones being mean to me. How hypocritical and unfair to turn the tables that way. I don't know if I subconciously mean to or if I just cry because I am really that hurt when they return blows. Or both. I sometimes stay angry at someone for awhile after our argument even if it was my fault. I have noticed, by the way that even when a fight ends with me still feeling that the fight or at least parts of it weren't my fault, the fight or these parts of it that I still don't feel responsible for are sometimes blamed on me anyways. I end up feeling that even when I don't think I am trying to do anything bad, and don't feel that I'm being bad, that I am being bad anyways. Like it's always my fault. And knowing me, it prob. is. I am embarassed by who I am. I very strongly dislike myself....but I am to self centered to hate myself and possibly just too numb to boot. I say I'll change, but I never do and my promises seem so repetitive and empty now. What do my promises mean anymore? My boyfriend often doesn't even say it's okay now....he just says ayh. I guess he is tired of my empty promises to quit and my repetitive apologies for doing the same things repeatedly. Then I scream at him for not saying something nicer to me and he says it's fine. Sometimes I feel like a monster, sometimes a corpse, sometimes just a cold b*tch, and sometimes like a child. Just a child that acts childish and needs to be petted. I don't know why I'm like this. I am afraid everyone will eventually think me an evil b*tch and head for the hills leaving me alone. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to hurt them either. But I do. I hurt them and push them away and I hurt myself. I don't know why. I'm sorry if I repeated myself. I know I prob. did, but I have a prob. with being repetitive. Anyways, I wanted to know if anyone could relate. I feel like a lone demon.