HELP ME! ASAP

I feel like i'm going crazy!!!!!!!!

I normally use to have crushes and would develop a fixation and blah blah - I was young.

HOWBEIT--- i am 25 going through little girl emotions and it is bothering me.

He's a pastor. One of those guys that God saved from the streets but never took that swag from him. His swag is so attracting. He's so passionate about God. We both preach the gospel.

He's 41. Married. 2 kids

At first, I saw him as nothing more than an older brother. But he began to support my ministry more and .. i began to become enthralled with how much attention he showed me. He does live videos often on facebook to which I faithfully tune it. I can bet you a dollar every video, he'll mention my name and laugh and engage with my comments.

So much so that ... he giggles and just gets so excited.

that didn't solidify it however. I stopped coming around to his church because I needed to clear my head. He had Wednesday bible studies and I would go every-time. But loving God, i knew wanting a married man was wrong so i ghosted his church for a month ( not my home church, i just visited for the bible studies)

I see him eventually at a mutual friends gathering and he SHADES ME. Like a angry child that did not get their way. He finally looks at me and says "so how you been?". Not with concern but with much of a smug demeanor.

I'm like..."am i bugging or is he mad at me?" I asked our mutual friend and they confirmed my suspicion by saying "he asked me why haven't you been coming around".

With this I rested knowing that I was right. The shade progressed. The cold shoulder treatment intensified. I'd go on his videos where he'd do bible study live (more often now because of the pandemic) and he'd ignore me completely.

BUT FINALLY. He finally acknowledged me but it was not what I was expecting. He humiliated me in front of 100+ viewers. He said "the lord is telling me to tell you that he's helping you be free from being bipolar." WHAT?!!???!!?

First off, i have never been diagnosed with that, second, as a "big brother" wouldn't you say this to me PRIVATELY!?!!??!

I slept on it..and could not let it go. After showing my friends the video they all agreed that it should have been handled privately. So i inbox him a lovely, professional but honest message. I thought for sure it would blow up and i'd lose his connection forever because after-all, he was already being distant.

WELP! He sent messages apologizing 10 times! called me 20times! and just wouldn't stop. As my crazy life would have it, i found out that my uncle died at that moment. So i posted it on fb. He sees it and includes he's sorry for my loss in his constant paragraphs of apology while also reassuring me that he took the live video down.

"he values our friendship" I thought. Nothing more. But then i started to think... is he attracted to me?

well i finally responded and told him that in addition to feeling embarrassed i felt like he was being super cold to me. I decided to bring it all out. Again, with much remorse, he kept saying sorry. Saying how we are so much alike and he has my back etc etc.

After that, I thought for sure I wouldn't hear from him again. ----- I ended up being on another live video but this time it was my friends father who passed aways funeral. (blame covid). It's like 400+ views and I was one of them. Commenting and having this experience as my friend said goodbye to his father. People were being so RUDE in the comments, I took it upon myself to shut them down and it got a-lot of positive feedback. SO MUCH FEEDBACK that I get a text applauding me for my stance.......out of 400+ people... my comment stood out... and I didn't even SEE that he was on. Yes ladies and gentlemen, my pastor crush text me.

even that was just not enough to proof that he likes me. So with all of my evidence (i'm crazy) of saved videos of him always commenting on my comments on his live and the energetic shouts-outs to me while his wife is watching, was sent to my friends. ALL of them said
( he's attracted and is trying to take his time to gauge your temperature)

BUT HES MARRIED...!!!!!!!!!

IM NOT A HOME WRECKER. but part of me wants to be adventurous and see this play out. i cant stop thinking about if this progresses... like i've messed with older men before. the thrill is out of this world.

and ill say lastly... i admire him so much. it turns me on to even think that he wants me...


but its wrong. i need help!