Hi I am 19 years old. I have been struggling with mental issues for 3 years now. Starting with depressive episodes lasting up to 3 months, and last year I started taking medication for bipolar, and I've improved substantially. But that is not why I am writing this post.
3 years ago I dropped out from school. Since then I have been spending my time figuring out, what I wanted to do with my
life. I had at least 9 jobs with since then, most didn't last more than a few weeks, some I quit in a matter of days. Then I tried working for myself, reselling stuff on ebay, growing microgreens.
And then I started making youtube videos, been making them for over a year now. But even this has been a very bumpy road for me to be consistent. I've uploaded about 60 video first 6 months, and only 27 videos in the last 8 months.
I started looking for a job again last week, got a couple interviews the next day, and I had to go on a trial shift this Monday, but the days leading up to that, I've been dealing with excessive amounts of anxiety. And decided not to go when I woke up. And then spent all day cycling through manic and depressive moods, almost going into panic at some points. I calmed down only after I told myself "**** it I don't have to do anything. things will sort themselves out somehow". I've spend this week mostly hanging around with friends.
I am able to enjoy the work that I do, no matter what it is, if I start I will dot what has to be done. But a nights rest can result in me fearing to get anywhere near my workplace.
I've tried giving myself a reason, a purpose to do work, which helps, but only to pull through a couple more days, and then I stop caring about that as well and stop.
No matter what work I do, if I work on something daily, I continue to get more and more miserable as the days go by, eventually falling in to depression. I often shift my focus towards something else after that. Making videos has been the only thing that I always come back to whether it be days weeks or months, I will probably get back to making videos for some time.
So yeah, I have been presented with many great opportunities. But at the base of everything there is nothing that can really motivate through them. Not the type of work. not money. not the people.
Last couple of days, I have been living in the moment, not even considering what isn't now.
Which is great, but even that is something I can't commit to, the anxiety is already causing me to ask for help in this forum.