Panic

Yes... the 'logical / adult' side of me knows he won't hurt me, though I guess there's part of me that is scared. Thank you, it has helped to talk about it on here.

Sounds like he might be puzzled by you and wants to draw you out of yourself. Do you think you could do more than "work talk" with him? Maybe crack a joke or something?

I'm sorry these issues keep getting stirred up for you. You might like my other favourite forum, http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php

Candid wrote:Sounds like he might be puzzled by you and wants to draw you out of yourself.

I agree.

Candid wrote: Do you think you could do more than "work talk" with him? Maybe crack a joke or something?

I was going to try this...

Yesterday K came over to ask us something.... All I did was turn round to face him and he told me not to look so terrified We did 'work chat', then I asked whether it would be alright to speak to him sometime when he was free... so he pretty much said "yes, now". I told him about the panic. Understandably, he was confused, though was pleased I'd spoken to him. So, the crux of it is, he's going to change the way he communicates with me I feel bad if he's going to do this - why should he change just because I can't wo'man up'? I wish the logical part of me and my fearful side could talk to each other and sort the panic out that way!

I wanted to thank you, Candid, for your support on here. It really helped to sort it out in my head and I don't think I would have had the courage to speak to him and be able to get my point across had I not talked about it on here. So thank you.

Candid wrote:I'm sorry these issues keep getting stirred up for you. You might like my other favourite forum, http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php

Erm... thank you.... I'll have a look.

Oh, I don't lke this...

I've been trying to make sense of the panic. The guilt about talking to K has been consuming me - he was fine about it and I know I couldn't have carried on as I was as it got so much worse so quickly, plus I am unable to stay away from him completely, so I needed to do something. He said "If I tell you I like you, how does that make you feel?" Why can't I even tolerate someone liking me as a person? Oh, I don't know... I feel a mess.

I went onto the other forum and started sobbing.

I'm sick of... going through this cycle... surely this panic is telling me something still needs dealing with?

Yes.

Herbie306 wrote:Why can't I even tolerate someone liking me as a person?

Only you can answer this question. I think the other forum would be helpful, though.

Okay, thanks. I don't know where to start. I may change my name as this one makes me sound like a bloke

Candid, in hindsight you were right... I did (and still do) fancy K... well, it definitely feels like that and I do have a sneaky suspicion that he liked me... but, well, I did it again and pushed him away and beat myself up and constantly apologised until I did his head in that much that he backed off completely. He's leaving in about four weeks. I still panic with him (I won't miss that!) though I am beating myself up about how I treated him and when will I ever learn.... I'm constantly crying and want to make things right, though that's how things went pear-shaped in the first place - I thought there was something wrong when there wasn't and I was trying to fix a problem that wasn't there... until I drove him up the wall and then there was a problem!

Didn't you say he was married? Not that it makes a difference, I suppose.

Herbie306 wrote:I went onto the other forum and started sobbing.

What was all that about? Can you remember? And did you like OOTS?

Candid wrote:Didn't you say he was married? Not that it makes a difference, I suppose.

I thought he was. Having said that, he doesn't wear a ring. Someone said he had a girlfriend in his homeland, though I really don't know. We just didn't have time to have a normal conversation without one of us being called away for one reason or another

What was all that about? Can you remember? And did you like OOTS?

Erm... Oh... Erm... Well... I've never been properly diagnosed with anything - I've always run away from anything like that (says she who has fallen for a blooming psychiatrist ) sorry, I digress I'm in therapy AGAIN - have been for the last two years almost - the therapist will sometimes relay back to me what happened and how I was treated... but I still feel it was something I brought on - that I could have stopped. Sorry - in a nutshell, the site hit home what happened. There was part of me saying "This has absolutely nothing to do with my issues" and another saying "This explains everything". It made me feel less alone, yes and it was very helpful thank you

Herbie306 wrote:the site hit home what happened. There was part of me saying "This has absolutely nothing to do with my issues" and another saying "This explains everything". It made me feel less alone,

Yes, that's about all it can do. It could be said it also keeps people stuck in comparing notes. I think it's a good space to be while/if you're too messed-up to get out and mingle, but I'm not seeing that in you.

You don't need to be "properly diagnosed". If the cap fits, and for you it most certainly does, you can wear it. In the UK you can get ptsd-specific counselling from the NHS, which still doesn't acknowledge the complex version but is better than nothing in a crisis. The only trouble with that is you have to wait months to be seen.

ARE you in crisis? It seems to have been a while since you were here last.

Thank you very much for your reply.

Candid wrote: Yes, that's about all it can do. It could be said it also keeps people stuck in comparing notes. I think it's a good space to be while/if you're too messed-up to get out and mingle, but I'm not seeing that in you.

Mmm, I guess. No, I don’t tend to get stuck like that thankfully.

You don't need to be "properly diagnosed". If the cap fits, and for you it most certainly does, you can wear it.

Do you think it does fit? What makes you say that?

In the UK you can get ptsd-specific counselling from the NHS, which still doesn't acknowledge the complex version but is better than nothing in a crisis. The only trouble with that is you have to wait months to be seen.

Yes, I waited two years for a referral when I was out of work, then a month after I became employed in the NHS it came through... however whilst I was in the midst of my ten session assessment, I was bumping into people I work with, which became impossible.

ARE you in crisis? It seems to have been a while since you were here last.

No, I’m okay thanks. I dip really quickly which bothers me, though hopefully I will be able to climb back out if I look after myself.

Herbie306 wrote:Do you think it does fit? What makes you say that?

I haven't forgotten the things you told me about your childhood family relationships. There was more than enough there to cause Complex PTSD!

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with NHS counselling. That's a tough one. Then again... I would expect people you know in the NHS to accept that some of us need a bit of help, and not ask impertinent questions. I was seeing an NHS therapist last year, the most recent in a very long line. I knew she wouldn't be able to 'fix' me but from time to time I need a safety valve. I waited a very long time, too.

I dip really quickly which bothers me, though hopefully I will be able to climb back out if I look after myself.

I know you will, because you always have. The question is whether there's anyone you can talk to who won't rush to what they think is good advice. Most people mean well, but we learn over the years not to talk about what's happened to us, don't we?

An interesting effect of the covid-19 restructions is that my writers' group has gone online. Instead of half a dozen of us being chosen to read, all of us (about 40) can upload our stuff and receive emailed comment from other members. As you can imagine this has become quite time-consuming, but for some reason it's inspired me to produce an episode of autobiography before each weekly deadline, presenting stuff I would never have felt comfortable reading to the group.

I've found 'telling' my story, even if no one reads it, very helpful. It gets it out there, instead of festering inside me, and the thought that any one of 40 critics could read it is as good as being in therapy. So far I've had more adverse reactions (mostly from men) than good ones, but have become closer to three female members who've probably had similar experiences. To me, sorting the sheep from the goats is a good result.

Something often said about people with Adverse Childhood Experiences is that we don't have "a coherent narrative".
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog ... ow-you-had is one of many hits you'll get if you put that into google.

One of the most effective methods to separate from our past and take control of our lives involves creating a coherent narrative. A coherent narrative is a tool often described by Dr. Siegel, with whom I’ll be teaching the online course “Making Sense of Your Life: Understanding Your Past to Liberate Your Present and Empower Your Future.” The process centers on telling our story as a means of making sense of the events that shaped us, bringing memories and feelings to the surface to better understand how they inform our present state of being. Creating a coherent narrative helps promote emotional regulation. It develops and enhances the nine important functions of the prefrontal cortex, which include regulating our body, emotional balance, attuned communication and response flexibility, intuition, empathy, fear modulation, insight and morality. It can also help us to form healthier attachments.

I don't know if that's any help to you, but if you can suspend adult judgment while 'watching' the child you were, you can develop the self compassion advocated by Kristin Neff, https://self-compassion.org/the-three-e ... passion-2/

That's enough for one day, I think!

Thank you again for your reply. Apologies it has taken me so long to respond.

Candid wrote:I haven't forgotten the things you told me about your childhood family relationships. There was more than enough there to cause Complex PTSD!

Oh, I’m sorry you know about that.

I was seeing an NHS therapist last year, the most recent in a very long line. I knew she wouldn't be able to 'fix' me but from time to time I need a safety valve. I waited a very long time, too.

I am sorry you had a rubbish time, though glad you were able to see someone eventually.

I know you will, because you always have. The question is whether there's anyone you can talk to who won't rush to what they think is good advice.

I have a counsellor who rings me each week.

Most people mean well, but we learn over the years not to talk about what's happened to us, don't we?

Absolutely! I that is part of my issue - I try to tell people at work my symptoms and they just pretend I haven’t spoken.

An interesting effect of the covid-19 restructions is that my writers' group has gone online. Instead of half a dozen of us being chosen to read, all of us (about 40) can upload our stuff and receive emailed comment from other members. As you can imagine this has become quite time-consuming, but for some reason it's inspired me to produce an episode of autobiography before each weekly deadline, presenting stuff I would never have felt comfortable reading to the group.

Oh that sounds fun! Well done you!

I've found 'telling' my story, even if no one reads it, very helpful. It gets it out there, instead of festering inside me

Yes, that is a good thing to do. I do this sometimes and keep plodding on every now and again with ‘the book’

the thought that any one of 40 critics could read it is as good as being in therapy. So far I've had more adverse reactions (mostly from men) than good ones, but have become closer to three female members who've probably had similar experiences. To me, sorting the sheep from the goats is a good result.

Ahh! It’s such a shame you have had so many adverse reactions though I’m pleased you have found who your good people are and they have your back.

Something often said about people with Adverse Childhood Experiences is that we don't have "a coherent narrative".
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog ... ow-you-had is one of many hits you'll get if you put that into google.

One of the most effective methods to separate from our past and take control of our lives involves creating a coherent narrative. A coherent narrative is a tool often described by Dr. Siegel, with whom I’ll be teaching the online course “Making Sense of Your Life: Understanding Your Past to Liberate Your Present and Empower Your Future.” The process centers on telling our story as a means of making sense of the events that shaped us, bringing memories and feelings to the surface to better understand how they inform our present state of being. Creating a coherent narrative helps promote emotional regulation. It develops and enhances the nine important functions of the prefrontal cortex, which include regulating our body, emotional balance, attuned communication and response flexibility, intuition, empathy, fear modulation, insight and morality. It can also help us to form healthier attachments.

Ooh, thank you for sharing this. I’ve talked and talked about my stuff in therapy, though I don’t ever feel much emotion. I never did get an better with K; I thought the world of him though when I was face to face with him, I came across as uncaring and uninterested because I was frightened of the intimacy and stayed in my ‘shell’. I feel like a lost cause. Why do I treat amazing people who are wonderful to me so badly and bend over backwards to the ones who treat me rotten? I’m sick of losing people who could potentially be lifelong friends.

I don't know if that's any help to you, but if you can suspend adult judgment while 'watching' the child you were, you can develop the self compassion advocated by Kristin Neff, https://self-compassion.org/the-three-e ... passion-2/

Thank you

Herbie306 wrote:Why do I treat amazing people who are wonderful to me so badly and bend over backwards to the ones who treat me rotten? I’m sick of losing people who could potentially be lifelong friends.

It comes from what we believe we know about ourselves. We got wired up wrongly. People who treat us well are suspect (when will they remove the smiling mask and punish us for our gullibility?) while people who treat us badly can see us 'as we really are'. They take the place of our original caregivers, therefore we have to win them over.

You know this, really.

Need to work on yourself
Thank!