Panic

Sorry to hear you're having trouble with this, Herbie. You might do better going caffeine-free. It's in a lot of things, including fizzy drinks and chocolate.

Thank you I'll try that

I've cut down to one cup of coffee per day at the most. I don't consume fizzy drinks, though I am working on the chocolate...

The thing is... I only panic with one person and if he is not around (and I know he will not appear) I am completely fine

I don't want him thinking that I have something against him, so I'm seriously considering asking for a chat just to let him know I struggle with panic. On the other hand, I don't want him to treat me any different - I can do without his sympathy or him avoiding me in case I freak out - that isn't going to help either of us.

It's a mix of anger and panic... he walked in on me without knocking last week (well, I was in his room, though I had every right to be there) how I didn't scream I don't know.... we exchanged greetings though I then escaped as quickly as possible. He's kind and would do anything to help anyone and I don't like treating him like this.

This scenario with different males keeps cropping up. I would understand it if I panicked with people who made lewd comments / were aggressive or abusive towards me, though it's always the polar opposite - I only seem to freak out with the most kind, gentle, caring and helpful men on the planet

I've had therapy and even a male counsellor, though I didn't panic with him! Talking doesn't seem to help the panic - I just speak about stuff as if I'm discussing what I'm going to have for tea. I swear I need hypnotising or something...

I think I will continue to decaffeinate and go to the gym to see if that helps.

That;s a puzzle, panicking around someone who's clearly not a threat. I wonder when that started?

Hi,
The first time I remember it happening is when I was about 17 or 18.

Did something nasty happen around that time? Did you have reason to be scared?

Not really - no more than normal anyway.

What was the situation when you panicked about three weeks ago?

Sprry to be asking so many questions. I don't know how else to get to the bottom of this.

Erm... well, I've felt wary of him ever since I met him about three years ago... I don't know why - I've always found him quiet and unassuming, though that unnerves me for some reason

A while back (over a year or so ago), I was sitting at my desk and he was standing right behind me, looking at my computer screen. I felt uneasy and ended up completely blanking (though hoped I could get away with it)... He asked me if I was alright... I simply said "yes" (my manners went out of the window ).

This may or may not be relevant: a few weeks ago I had a leak in my dining room... water was literally pouring into the room from a pipe. I felt panicked - as though someone had broken into the house and threatened me - though carried on as normal, the leak was fixed the next day or so.

Just under a week later, the guy in question (I'll call him 'K') was in the room where I work - I was really busy and it felt as though he had appeared from nowhere. I was feeling uneasy by his presence by this time. I apologised for leaving him waiting, dealt with what I needed to, then sorted what he wanted. He thanked me, was about to leave the room, then turned round and said words to the effect of "I'll see you later / I'll be back" I didn't reply because for some reason I felt so angry at him. Since then, I've been panicking every time I see him (though try to mask it as I have to work and don't want 'the world' to know I can't tolerate him being within fifty feet of me).

There's something about kind, gentle men paying me any sort of attention. It's daft, I know. It's as if I want to scream 'back off' when K approaches. There's no logic to my fear - he hasn't done anything untoward, just said "hello", the usual work chat and held the door open for me (which I blooming well hate too! ) The more he does for me, the more angry I get... (this has been the pattern with all the males I've panicked with) - it's as if there's a voice in my head of the other person saying "I've done that for you, so you owe me". I know logically that the other person does it because that's how they are... I would do the same: if I can help someone, I will, I don't want anything back in return because I want to do it. I don't understand my fear.

I think the leak in your dining room probably is significant, since you mention it. In dream analysis the home always represents the dreamer; you had something invading your personal space that you could do nothing about.

This K is no doubt bewildered by your response to him, if he's aware of it at all. That feeling of indebtedness is based on poor self-esteem, the feeling that you're unworthy of courtesy and will have to pay at some stage. You're more comfortable doing for others. The anger at him becomes anger at yourself because you know you're being unreasonable.

Have you ever taken a self-esteem course, Herbie? CBT might be helpful.

BTW I hate anyone standing behind me looking at my computer screen, too. It's like they're watching what goes on in my head. I actually can't type if someone's watching. Ditto with men opening doors for me. For some reason it always feels like a piss-take.

Thank you for your feedback

Candid wrote:That feeling of indebtedness is based on poor self-esteem, the feeling that you're unworthy of courtesy and will have to pay at some stage.

I'm normally fine. I've only been like that with him and some other males that I've panicked with. I had some bad experiences and these sort of threats were used towards me. "You did this, so I'm going to do that to you"... "If you loved me you would let me **** you". "Let me do x, y and z and I'll let you sleep".

Candid wrote:Have you ever taken a self-esteem course, Herbie?

Yes, years ago. I don't feel I need another one as it is something I've worked on over the last few years.

Candid wrote:I hate anyone standing behind me looking at my computer screen, too.

It's common in my job. It used to put me on edge, though I really don't normally mind it now. As I say, I just have a problem with K.

Herbie306 wrote:I had some bad experiences and these sort of threats were used towards me. "You did this, so I'm going to do that to you"... "If you loved me you would let me **** you". "Let me do x, y and z and I'll let you sleep".

I'm hearing that K pays you special attention and you're afraid he's going to ask you out. Then you would have to say no, or possibly find yourself in a threatening situation. Is that right? And... are you attracted to him? He sounds like one of the good guys.

Herbie306 wrote:"You did this, so I'm going to do that to you"... "If you loved me you would let me **** you".

This isn't from sexual relationships... it's from family.

Candid wrote:I'm hearing that K pays you special attention

No... He appears to be like that with everyone he meets

Candid wrote:you're afraid he's going to ask you out.

Erm... No. I understand he is married and in oodles of ways we are like chalk and cheese.

Candid wrote:are you attracted to him?

No! I am not saying he is not lovely... I don't really know him that well... I tend to just do 'work talk' and that is it. He's tried winding me up and baffling me with science (something my Dad used to do when I was a child) though I have always felt too 'freaked out' around him to have any other sort of conversation with him. This is why I have been considering simply letting him know that I occasionally struggle with panic... I don't want him thinking I've got some sort of crush on him because it is not like that at all.
There is something about him that intrigues me, though that is as far as it goes.

I still don't think the panic is about him as such... He's the sixth person I've been like this with.

Okay, so some ways he makes you fear what went on in family. I know that's a tough one... for anybody.