Hi, Dina
I'm not a therapist (or professional of any kind), but, as it happens, I'm currently reading 'Unlimited Power', a book on personal achievement by the world's "No.1 Personal Success Coach" Anthony Robbins. These are some of *his* views on depression:
"... people will come to me for counselling and say, "I'm so depressed." I don't ask, "Why are you so depressed?" and then ask them to present to themselves and me why they are. That would just put them into a depressed state. I don't want to know why they're depressed; I want to know *how* they're depressed. I'll ask instead, "How do you do that?" Usually I get a startled look because the person doesn't realise that you have to do certain things in your mind and physiology to get depressed. So I'll ask, "If I were in your body, how would I get depressed? What would I picture? What would I say to myself? How would I say it? What tonality would I use?" These processes create specific mental and physical actions, and thus specific emotional results. If you change the structure of a process, it can become something else, something other than a depressed state."
"No one consciously says, "I'd rather be depressed than happy." But what do depressed people do? We think of depression as a mental state, but it has a very clear, identifiable physiology. It's not hard to visualize a person who is depressed. Depressed people often walk around with their eyes down. (They're accessing in a kinaesthetic mode and/or talking to themselves about all the things that make them feel depressed.) They drop their shoulders. They take weak, shallow breaths. They do all the things that put their body in a depressed physiology. Are they deciding to be depressed? They sure are. Depression is a result, and it requires very specific body images to create it."
"If you stand up straight, if you throw your shoulders back, if you breathe deeply from your chest, if you look upward - if you put yourself in a resourceful physiology - you can't be depressed. Try it yourself. Stand up tall, throw your shoulders back, breathe deeply, look up, move your body. See if you can feel depressed in that posture. You'll find that it's almost impossible. Instead, your brain is getting a message from your physiology to be alert and vital and resourceful. And that's what it becomes."
What I've learned from my own 20+ years of "self-help hell" (Roger will know what I'm talking about there!) is that the solution is actually very simple - think about what you want and don't think about what you don't want. It's finding the way to do that effectively that seems to be the problem (it has been for me, at least).
I'm a big fan of Uncommon Knowledge, and I'm sure you'll find a lot of help and support here.
In the meantime, since it's also true that the more we think about something the easier it is to think about, I would suggest that talking to a therapist about things you presumably don't want in your life because they're making you depressed is a waste of your time and money and is probably making those things harder to change.
I don't know anything about 12-step plans for depression. But, there's a 12-step plan for 'alcoholics' used by AA where you have to stand up at each session and say, "My name's whatever and I'm an alcoholic" (unless it's changed). My personal opinion on that is unequivocal - exit the building swiftly and never go back.
I was depressed and anxious most of the time myself when I was younger, particularly during my teens when I was occasionally suicidal. However, I've never been in therapy of any kind (or taken medication). I've just read books (and heaps of them) and listened to a few tapes in more recent times, and clearly some of it has sunk in because I've become progressively a much more positive person over the years and these days could easily be perceived as somebody who's confident and happy. Which, now I think of it, I am.
I hope there's something in there that helps - and now over to the professionals.
Best wishes,
Bob
