24 (M) having a mid life crisis

**Posts:** 54 · by **adamzapple26** » Sat Jan 02, 2021 3:05 am

Sheesh, where do I even start. Ok, so about 5 years ago to be exact, I was a sophomore at an elite college that I just transferred too. Smart kid (3.

GPA, very outgoing, work hard play hard type of guy, fit, and super exited to make relationships and network throughout my college career while heading towards a field in Wall Street.
What I noticed while living in my dormitory is that most of the kids there didn’t have to work or really worry about money while attending school. Very different to how I grew up. I grew up in a small apartment with my parents my whole life and had to work the minute it was legal to buy things I wanted. I was going to school full time and working full time with only being able to party or have fun once a week. I became very jealous of my friends as I wanted to relax a bit more and not work as much so I can socialize more.
Long story short, I became cool with a lot of different fraternities and made friends with a lot of girls. Started selling drugs and weed to make money so I wouldn’t have to work and can just focus on school and partying, networking, etc.
1 year later I’m selling about 100 pounds of weed a month. Stopped selling drugs because I thought I was too risky to do both. Just sticked to weed and I was 21 making about 20-60k a month in cash. I was traveling every week hitting strip clubs, banging hookers, going to the best clubs with vip, you name it. Few months later once of my best friends set me up. Luckily for the cops they caught me on a bad day but sh** it was still a good amount. Got caught with 14 lbs of weed and 40k cash.
They were really try to pin me hard I mean 4-5 years but with an amazing lawyer I was able to get a deal to do 6 months of prison and 2 years of parole.I’m about 2 months away from being free.
I now have a felony on my record of marijuana which I’ll hopefully be able to expunge in a year or 2 as my state just legalized it. I’m kinda lost now. Don’t know what to do once I’m done. I used to be extremely motivated and goal oriented. I’ve still been going to the gym but career wise, idk what to do. I have about 25k saved up since I got released about 19 months ago. Just quit my job to go on unemployment in order to work on my self spiritually and figure out what I really want to do. Any advice helps and I’m open to answer any questions if you have any.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sat Jan 02, 2021 3:45 pm

adamzapple26 wrote: I’m kinda lost now. Don’t know what to do once I’m done. I used to be extremely motivated and goal oriented. I’ve still been going to the gym but career wise, idk what to do. I have about 25k saved up since I got released about 19 months ago. Just quit my job to go on unemployment in order to work on my self spiritually and figure out what I really want to do. Any advice helps and I’m open to answer any questions if you have any.

"Being lost" lends itself to the metaphor of a journey or trip. To become lost, you first have to think that you were on a good path.

What path were you on? Based on the goal/motivation that college was to pursue a field in Wall Street and your jealousy of others and a subsequent trip into drug dealing, it sounds like you think/thought life is about hedonistic pleasures. It is a common path. Almost everyone takes a few side trips down hedonism lane, but it sounds like you felt it was a lifestyle, the main avenue.

Having been busted and now wanting to work on yourself spiritually, are you beginning to question that base foundation? Are you beginning to think that maybe there must be more to life than hedonism?

Before moving on, I don't want to create the impression that hedonism is a life philosophy that is negative, bad, evil, etc. It is often painted that way. But if we look back to the foundations of hedonism, the schools of hedonism during the days of ancient Greece, there is a legitimate philosophical question. To what extent is life about experiences? How can you say you have lived if you have experienced nothing?

I think you currently lack goals/motivation because your underlying hedonistic philosophy was ultimately to serve you. Sure, you were providing a "service" to others in the drugs you sold and maybe you were generous with your cash, but really your "networking" was always about creating more for you. It was a journey to accumulate for you and to serve you.

My advice is to take this alone time and shift your focus. Don't focus on your journey. Focus on others. Focus on the struggles other people are having. Then return to you and decide on a path that you can take to help others. You sound like you are more than capable of starting a business or a non-profit. Figure out what you can offer that genuinely helps other people (something that is not purely about their own hedonistic pleasures) and consider pursuing that path for awhile.

24 (M) having a mid life crisis

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