3 Months Clean from weed - My PAWS experience so far

Hello all

I want to start by saying this website has been so helpful in my journey towards getting back to my old self. My story is different than most I have been able to read because I wasn’t smoking for a very long amount of time. Here’s my story so far

I started smoking (not counting a few times socially at college parties) on July 4th 2018. I started out using just whatever street bud I could get my hands on. It started slowly just smoking 3 to 4 days a week. A way to unwind after work and deal with the stressful days. I mainly picked it up because my ex fiancé and I had just split up, I was in a battle with her over ownership of my home, bills were crippling my otherwise active social life due to the new amount of financial stress I was now under, and I was also living alone in my once active and happy house. I wasn’t handling the stress from life very well. I began to hang out with my friends who smoke more often. It started to become once or twice a month they would come over and we would blaze it up in my garage. We would smoke quite a lot these nights. Vaporizer hits, joints, oil vape cartridges, all in one night. I became fond of the concentrate oil vape cartridges due to their ease of use and no clean up or smell lingering. I began vaping them around October 2018 and smoked them every single night from then until I decided to quit for good on August 6th 2019. During this time, I met the woman of my dreams. We have been together since January 2019 and she moved in to my house (which I finally was able to get custody of) in March 2019. Life was good. I would come home to a great woman, and when she would fall asleep in the evenings I would hit the vape on play video games with my buddies. Things seemed great! After a few failed attempts at quitting during this time, things started to become more clear that I was developing an addiction to this substance.

I work in a casino dealing cards, which is a very unusual type of profession. I deal with a lot of very toxic people. Angry, depressed, sometimes insulting people who have their own addiction they can’t seem to get over. This just further adds to my personal stress. I can’t seem to keep that from bothering me even after 3 years of working this job. So I decided I needed to kick the habit to get a better job and improve my life. I decided to quit August 4th and was 2 days clean no issues when my stoner friends called me to see if I wanted to smoke one more time before I quit. I decided sure why not. They got their hands on some medical grade bud they wanted us to try. We hit it hard on the bong and I was doing great until I wasn’t anymore. I fell into a severe panic attack. I was having horrible thoughts, rocking back and forth on the couch, heart racing, I thought I was dying. It was horrible. I eventually came down and the next morning I decided that was the day to quit. A few hours later I was hit with a huge wave of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, you name it. Horrible. Worst few days of my life. I spent my next week off from work with my family and friends on a vacation in the mountains. But I was miserable and was barely able to even eat and enjoy myself the entire trip. I started taking magnesium, super B complex, and St. John’s wort to try to combat my horrible feelings. About a week later I dabbled with a CBD tincture as well. I quickly realized these things don’t play well together. After suffering 2 days of my heart rate being at a resting 155 BPM standing still I went cold turkey on all the supplements. To this day I am taking nothing for my symptoms. I had a week of night sweats, vivid dreaming and panics when I woke up. Those subsided about 3 weeks into my recovery. The next 2 months have been slowly improving over time. My appetite is normal now, I sleep pretty well minus the occasional weird dream. My main issue now is the lingering feelings of dread and anxiety. Worrying about getting older and passing away. Worrying about future health problems I might have (not from smoking just in general). My emotions can still be sensitive to things that normally wouldn’t be a problem (certain types of music, commercials on tv about negative things). I am approaching 4 months clean. I have seen much improvement but I have also had lingering issues that can sometimes be so tiring. The anxiety and occasional depression are my main problem right now. Anyone have any insight into when these things faded? Just looking for some hope that things do in fact return to normal state and I won’t have every single day feeling like I am now. It sucks so bad sometimes. Anyone who is going through the first few months, be strong! I have seen so much improvement. Just hoping to gain more insight into when I can maybe get some more permanent relief. Thanks so much in advance everyone.