Depressed ex left me due to her illness.

Hi,

Apologies for the long post in advance and a big thank you for reading too, I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

The headlines & TL/DR:

- 1 year into a relationship, both madly in love.
- GF suffering from depression for reasons outside the relationship (poor self-esteem from previous break up, family issues, business issues, living with her parents for a year)
- She ended the relationship as she felt drained, like a disappointment and embarrassed to expose me to the true extent.
- I've tried to remain supportive, but she's now texting me more than a couple of weeks ago. She's texting about how much she loves me etc but I'm trying to give her the space she asked for.
- I want to try and figure out if she means it when she's texting me saying she doesn't want it to be over or if she knows deep down it's over. I want to support her, however, I can but at the moment, I feel like I'm being strung along.
- Ultimately I want her to be happy and healthy. I accept that may now be with someone else and if that is the case I need to start focussing more on my own healing process.

The long version...

For last year, I've (28M) been with the most amazing girl (29F). We've been unbelievably happy, so many good memories and we felt like our own family. She'd asked me to move in with her once her refurb was done on her new cottage, she'd bought a dog that became 'ours' and as did my dog. We did everything together.

We're both small business owners and one of my major clients means that I have to travel a lot during the summer months and am therefore away a lot. Throughout my busy summer, she came with me on a few of the trips, I rang from each of them and text as often as I could. Whenever I was at home, I would spend as much time as I could with her.

All was great until late July/August when she started to panic that she relied too much on me for her happiness and motivation. Come the end of August, she'd asked me not to move in with her and that she needed some time to live there on her own first and build herself back up.

A little background information...

6 or so years ago, she met an Australian guy and moved there to be with him, married him and they were together for 4/5 years. He left her in 2015 and their divorce was finalised in April 2017 (we started dating in October 2016). She lived her last year there as a happy, single late twenties woman with a fulfilling life. She moved back to the UK as she wanted to be close to her family and we met soon after. She's been living with her parents who have their own issues and has struggled to get her own business off the ground. Slowly, she's slipped into a lifestyle where her parents did a lot for her (cooking, no rent charge, walking her dog, doing her washing, etc) and she was only working in the home office. this, combined with some unresolved issues with the way she treated herself during the divorce, the constant put-downs from her former boss and ex left her feeling very depressed, self-loathing and a general feeling of uselessness and anxiety.

Whilst I was around, she would often be happy and avoid the above feelings. Yes, there were periods where she would need to lean on me and times that we would fall out as any couple downs... but overall we were both very happy with the relationship.

The time spent on her own in the summer made her realise just how much she needed me and that scared her, hence the reversal in the house move. This hurt me, but I did understand. After she'd had the realisation in July, there were periods where she would lash out at me, keep me at arm's length or be distant. It sometimes caused upset and arguments as she hadn't explained the true reasons behind it at this point. But I did always try to understand what was going on and knew some elements of the problem that has now manifested.

I'd started trying to get her to work outside of her parent's home office and encouraged her to take up gym classes. Whilst in her single life in Australia, she'd loved going to xtendbarre classes. I'd try to find classes nearby, but it hasn't really reached our area of the country. I tried to find alternatives but whilst she showed interest and agreed that she should get out the house more... she continued as she was.

In September we went to Orlando on holiday for 17 days and had a fantastic time. The best holiday we'd each had and a once in a lifetime experience. All was really good and we were both very happy. As soon as we got back, she started to become more distant again and self-absorbed.

Fast forward to two weeks ago and we sat down to talk about things. We'd agreed to work together to try and improve the situation, make more time for each other in the evenings where we wouldn't also be working but spending time together, go out and do more and so on.

On Sunday she'd gone to bed on a high. We'd been to a Wedding Fayre to promote her business and she'd made me proud with the way she'd put herself out there and spoke to people when she is awful at small talk in normal circumstances. On Monday morning, she'd woken up as her Mum had sat on the end of her bed and told her that she wanted to divorce her Dad. When I arrived later that day, her Dad told me that a client was refusing to pay a 5 figure sum to their business because they'd overspent in other areas. These two events combined understandably changed her mood somewhat.

Later that evening, she'd started trying to act happier and flirty with me, to which I made an insensitive joke about how we hadn't been intimate much lately. It was wrong for me to have said, but it was not meant to cause upset. We've also had a relationship where we jest with each other and it's been banter.

She then had a breakdown about how she felt, the stress she was under and us. She felt like she couldn't let me help because it embarrassed her for me to see her like that, she felt pathetic and couldn't cope. She felt like she'd been an awful girlfriend to me as she'd started neglecting me, lashing out and being a little rude/disinterested in my life. She said she couldn't respect herself and therefore why should someone else love her. She'd decided that she needed a break from us in order to try and get her head straight and rebuild herself.

It was horrible and we both cried a lot. I told her that I thought she was suffering from depression and wanted her to try and go to her GP to talk to them. She nodded, cried, I picked her up and comforted her but she - for the first time - acknowledged that she is suffering from a form of depression and needed to seek some form of help.

Sadly, the break up continued. I went home and almost straight away she text me to make sure I got back. Since then, I've been trying to give her space but remain supportive. In truth, she's probably texting me more in the last few days than she did in the days before the break up that we weren't together for. She has text me a few times in the night simply with 'xxxxx' and has told me on each day that she loves me. She's said that she doesn't want this to be the end, that I'm the most amazing guy she's ever met, can't stop thinking about me and she wishes she didn't feel this way. She's also said about how she feel lost, pathetic, low and how she never deserved me. I've tried to show her all the moments she's been strong, told her I'm not angry, I don't hate her, that I understand and I'll always be here for her. I've told her that I love her and I hope that this isn't the end either.

She went to see a counselor yesterday morning and from what I can tell, it has helped her a little bit. But she did then text me again that evening saying how low she felt. She has another appointment a week today.

Now... to the main problem I'm facing:

I don't want it to be the end. I love her and she is my best friend. I don't know what to do next. Even this morning she's texted me just a screenshot of a work Facebook promotion she did saying how she didn't expect more men than women to have watched her incredible wedding video she posted on Facebook. I responded saying that men just love dinosaurs (it was shot in a museum) and with a running joke from the holiday.

I'm trying to provide support, maintain the impression of happiness and a long-term view. The only contact I have initiated is to say good luck ahead of her visit to the counselor. Every other time, I've tried to respond but not always continue the conversation... but as I say, we seem to be texting more now than we would have this time two weeks ago.

I don't know what to do. This is breaking me. I want her to be happy and I accept that it may be that I lose her. I would rather lose her and she be happy than rush to get back together. That said, I need to know whether or not she is being genuine in what she says about not wanting this to be the end of our relationship. If it's just a case of her feeling cruel by not saying it or she doesn't mean it for some other reason.... I need to know. If that is what's going on, I'll still always be at the end of the phone for her and I'd always be there for her physically if she ever needed me but, I don't want to continue trying to act 'normal' with her and have general chit chat as all that's making me want is be together again.

I don't know how to approach it. I don't want to make things worse for her or add pressure on her when she's already hurting by asking her whether she genuinely means it... or if she's struggling to let me go because it's routine to speak to me so much. She has a history of finding it hard to say the hard things - after she skirted around the not wanting me to move in, saying but not actually saying it.... I had to say "It's okay, I understand what you're saying. I won't move in if that's what you want". It was the same with the break-up on Tuesday morning.

Either way, the conversation can't continue with general chit-chat as it's hurting me too much. How do I approach asking if she really does want to see if a future is possible as and when she's ready? If she does, then I can carry on being who she is asking me to be now to some extent but need to ask her to also give me more space so she's actually giving herself the opportunity to work on herself. If deep down she knows it's over, I don't want to be strung along.

Once again, I'm sorry for the long post. It's helped me personally just writing it all down. Thank you if you've read it all the way through and thank you again if you're able to offer constructive advice or insight.