Where i think my depression began

**Posts:** 2 · by **Laurajane3006** » Sat Jun 24, 2017 10:03 am

Hi, ive never posted on anything like this before. I dont even know if this is the right forum to discuss what happened. I havnt even really thought about it in 10 years, but now i cant stoo and wanted to write it down. When i left school at 16 i became really good friends with a popular girl (i was really shy and quiet) we had a holiday booked with my parents for in a few weeks, and decided to celebrate by going to a party. When we got there everyone was taking ecstacy. Id never taken it before, but my friend talked me im to trying it. When i was high, she started getting really mad with me saying she didnt want to go on holiday with a virgin. Shed already slept with a lot of boys so she didnt want me embaressing her. Then she locked me in a bedroom with her male friend, she said i couldnt come out until i had sex with him. I was really scared and nervous, i told him i didnt want to. He told me it wasnt a big deal, so we did, we had sex. Ive regretted it my whole life. Now i think it may have affected me more than i realised. It wasnt how i ever wanted to lose it. I know it wasng rape, but i dont think it was right either. I dont really have anyone to talk to about it. Anyone got any advice on how i get past this ?

**Posts:** 22 · by **hopefulcheese** » Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:26 am

Hi Laura,

How do you feel about seeking a psychologist to talk to about this? This is not right, and obviously it still affects you after 10 years. I don't know if this qualifies as rape or assault but I'm sure it is either one of them.

**Posts:** 61 · by **tom_e** » Thu Jun 29, 2017 1:58 pm

Hi Laura

That sounds a really horrible thing to have happened and I'm not surprised it's affected you over the years.
Have you ever talked to anyone about it? Or have you always kept it to yourself? What happened to you sounds very wrong.

I think you've been brave to write it out here and agree that you should talk to a professional about it as in my experience feelings towards incidents like this don't just go away they need to be talked through. You'll probably find it excruciatingly uncomfortable but I'd urge you to go to your doctor and see about getting an appointment with a counsellor.

And keep writing about it on here if it helps you. There'll be people to listen and give advice.

Best wishes
Tom

**Posts:** 2 · by **Laurajane3006** » Thu Jun 29, 2017 2:25 pm

Thank you for your replies. Ive never spoke about it before, i dont think about it too much to be honest. I cant talk to family or friends. I dont have anyone i would feel comfortable talking too, but i think i will talk to my doc about a councillor. Thanks again

**Posts:** 216 · by **^_^** » Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:16 pm

Hi Laura,
It's sad to read this story, but even sadder to then read you say: "I know it's not rape".
Don't sell yourself short. Just because you made a (semi)conscious decision to go along with it at the time does not diminish the fact that this is still rape. I say semi-conscious, because 1) you were high. 2) you were pressured. (locked room, made to feel guilty about being a virgin). Perhaps you're thinking now, why stress so much about this technicality, does it really matter that much? Well yes, it could in terms of regret over your choices, in terms of accepting how you feel about what happened. Having to live trough something like this must generate anger. But if you think it's not rape, then who else do you direct your anger to?

**Posts:** 74 · by **turtleswim** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 12:25 am

Thanks for posting. That is a really sad story. I'm sorry you went through that. I think that does count as rape. Sex is a difficult thing to talk about. I think it is healthy to talk about anything that traumatizes you. Talk to a doctor or a counselor about it. It shows courage that you tell the story. I am forty one years old and just beginning to learn about how to understand why people do the things they do. Laura Levine is a great writer who talks about growing up and how difficult it is. She points out four kinds of aggression/ physical, verbal, passive and relational. I was amazed to read Levine and see that people often squelch people's motivations and even sabotage people's efforts to grow and learn. Blogging can be a useful tool to grow and learn. Welcome to uncommonknowledge.com.

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