Since I came of age and I had fantasies of giving a beautiful girl of mine to a bull to satisfy her and I come to her after him.
I used to tell myself that is a sexual fantasy since we human like having the weirdest imaginations and nothing serious about it , it is just one of hundreds sexual fantasies that I have ( by the way at that time I didn't use to watch porn it was just the natural masturbation with my imaginations so they were not inspired by porn videos).
When I started watching porn the most thing I liked was watching gangbang videos, cuckolding videos, and interracial sex.
These were the videos that made me the most aroused.
I told myself it is simply we as men like seeing the woman get destroyed in sex and that is the part that arouses me and since I am clearly not the one who is doing sex. Instead I am watching them doing it instead of me so that's why my imaginations flow this way.
But then I felt this fantasy is very distinguished of the other fantasies and I have started to be afraid that it is something that is deeper in me I almost don't even enjoy watching romantic porn I feel it is too boring.
I am almost virgin I live in a society where it is difficult to have a girlfriend - I have grown up in the middle east and now I am studying in a university outside of my country where it is difficult to see any girl- .
I really doubt that I would give a girl who I love to someone else and I don't think it is wise to turn my life to hell just for bringing a sexual fantasy to reality.
- I am afraid that maybe since there are studies suggest that homosexuality can be genetic maybe this fantasy is genetic as well!!
- Or maybe it is a sign of having low self esteem, since I don't feel very dominant overall I am less skilled than others in several social activities? - but I really don't overthink about that I have friends and I am satisfied with my social life-
Or maybe because I still don't have a girlfriend?! and if I have I would never think of giving her to someone else?!
Do you think if I go to a whorehouse and have sex will increase myself esteem? -there are legal brothels here and escorts get tested for STDs-
I have been working out for years the last year I was obsessed with the idea of trying steroids -although my natural libido was sky-high before trying steroids- which is usually a sign of having high T I did a cycle and then stopped in the forth week because I was so afraid to screw my HPTA. Now I am more educated about them and I understand their risks but not in an exaggerated way I know it increases the chance of being infertile but several doctors specialized in this field and hundreds of testimonies from people who used them said that it is very unlikely to sterilize yourself with AASs in irreversible way and everything carries some risks in life even women who use contraceptive pills are running a similar risk.
Anyway, I believe achieving the physique that I dream about will boost my self esteem.