Hi all, am a 30 year old woman.I have an honest question, so please give an honest answer. My father molested me in front of my mother like 10 years ago(he was drunk and literally laid on top of me and fondled me) It was horrifying, and honestly it affected me for so long, and I just felt like I lost my family at that point-because it was like the person I thought was my father was this low life piece of sh** who never cared for me, and everyone thought he was such a great guy.
I struggled with suicidal thoughts and self-harm even before that, but it got worse after. Because I had nowhere to go back then(I was not financially independent) I just said nothing and even though my mother saw the whole thing and I could tell she was shocked. I moved out 2 years ago, and I recently tried talking to my mother about it(started going to a therapist 2 months ago), she literally said she remembered nothing of the sort-which is typical of her, she is in denial. Honestly, am tired of their manipulation and disgusting sh** and this "I raised you, I own you" attitude. They helped me financially but does that mean they can treat me like sh**? My father was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive towards me most of my childhood too.I never had any real father-daughter relationship with him, although he did help with teaching me things like maths and physics-mostly without my will, and done in far and anger and disgust, and under threats and criticisms on his part I have little to no support-no close friends, and have never had a relationship, so cutting them off would leave me alone, but the problem is they(my parents) are clingy and emotionally manipulative-especially my mother. She literally acts like I am an ungrateful brat and sh**. I hate this. Am I the crazy one? I don't think so.
I have only seen my father three times in almost the past year, and I honestly felt it was 3 times too many. The last time I saw him he was sober but accidentally touched my bra after he gave me a hug and sort of looked at me in a gross way. I feel disgusting around him, and just f***ing hate him. I often think of how happy I'd be if I could kill him. I would have loved to have a close supportive family, but they do not feel like that. It always felt like support out of sense of duty on their part, not genuine love. I mean how can anyone claim to love their child and treat them like that?
Anyway, honestly, am I crazy for never wanting any contact with my father? Either way, I still want to cut him out. It was not an isolated incident, there have been several sexual comments on his part about my appearance and sh**, which just makes me feel worthless each time and I feel like killing myself. This person is sick, as far as I can tell, and it is not my job to make him better.