help with my boyfriemds issues

**Posts:** 2 · by **ang328742** » Sun Feb 21, 2016 4:08 pm

Hello, my boyfriend is having emotional/mental problems and i have no idea what to do. Backstory- we are dating for 2 years now. and i have to say he is the sweetest, caring, taking care of my pets like babies/telling me i am beautiful every day kind of guy. but the problems stem from a completely different side. even before we got together i found out he hates his own apperance. a lot. he sometimes can't stand looking at himself nor can he tolerate a mirror. thats why he keeps saying the people who do like themselves are narcissists and that he only cares about the personality. which, ofcourse is very noble of him but sprouts from an unhealthy relationdship whith himself. when we got together he had controlling inlssues by suspecting I could be cheating on him because he found all the other guys to be 'better'or atleast compettitors to him. we slowly worked that out and he is now calm and never worries about that anymore, which is a good sign that he is working on issues and does not want to lose me. but the other problems prevail. They can basically be summed up by that -he finds thet he cant understand other people, that they will let him go, that even his friends betray him and prefer other friends to him and that the people are superficial animalistic beings that constantly let him down. and this shows in a horrific way, especially - and always- when he gets deunk. his face litterally turns dark and his grimace reflect anger pain dispair and agression. he sometimes quietly sits in dark and says nothing but when he does the things get nasty. He does that on parties (which we rarely attend so the drinking itself happens very rarely). It mostly shows when we go camping together (with a crew of HIS friends, mind you) and he is unable to be happy for those 5 annual days of friendly students having fun together at a camp site. which boggles my mind. he says he doesnt understand people and their jokes, he constantly fwars that he is being put down by the humour he is unable to process(as he says). he then gets agressive, cursing viciously fist punching things loudly cursing us and all the things around. the most painful thing is that in those moments his old nature comes back - all people are evil and i can ONLY COUNT ON MYSELF. the vicious behaviour is targeted at me aswell. i let him down, he's "heard wleveryrhing we were saying about him" and "he can and will do everything for him self, i should leave him be". he does not let me hug him he gets furious if i help him. he does not take me as his friend at those moments, the other pillar of his world like i do. he takes me as one of them, the people that made fun of him, that dont believe kn him and that let him down. he shows it also is my fault (when i ask him about it when hes acting like that, he does not tell me directly but lets out an evil grin and a belittlng sigh). and it hurts me to the point i feel my heart break every time. i beg him to behave and not to act this way towards me, that i cant handle it. I already have a disfunctional alcoholistic family (being 20 i still live with them. but he acts as he just cant help it, deal with it kind of response. when he gets sober he is not all that apologetic. he does not remember half of it, and as always, he is 100% sure he has a great memory and remembers it all. he keeps saying he heard us say stuff treat him bad, that i am blowing it out of proportions, askjng me "do you really think i am that bad??" "if i am that horrible leave me and let me spend my life in solitude, nobody cares about me" so when i get him to the edge of confrontation he dismisses it by being so self hating "i know im so horrible; i dont deserve you, just leave, i hate myself too".. that he is just unable to get better because instead of finding solutions his self hate gets even worst. he once agreed to see a professional but later didnt do it because he is working really hard in college for excellent grades and he 'doesnt have time' and in my heart, i feel like i've gotten through atleast 4 breakups. I love him so much, my heart literally aches and i cant reach him in this dark haze. i would want him to find a proffesional help but in my country i know there are a lot of sh** ones and i am so afraid that if they let him down, its over. He gets self hating instead of constructive in time of his worst he does not let me close but starts relying only on his "betrayed self" and gets agressive. he does not trust his friends and he doesnt take me as a part of the team. he just needs his alone time he says (which hurts me) but even when i do that hecomes back agressive and sad. but let me remember you, every day when he is not drinking(340/356days a year) nor out with friends he is just the best boyfriend a girl could have. he is caring, has high morals, cherishes me, is so proud of my achievements, tells me im the best thats happened to him, tells me im beautiful, comestome every weekend from.the other side of the town helps me with my horrific family by spending time with my brother, helps me cook clean do all of the 'furniture construction' things, suddles me all the time, goes out of his way to tell me that i should have alone time with my friends (completely worked out the jelousy issue) and tells me i cannot understand how blessed he is to finally have someone like me, someone who understands him and has high morals like he does. he really is the sweetest "teddy bear" kind of character. note also he never any kind of physichally hurt me! i truly believe he loves me and his problems all stem from some dark side of his mind that he is unable to work out because of his crippling self esteem and at the same time the feeling he can only trusts himself. love him more than my own life and i want to help him, but at those moments he just takes us all as his enemies. please help me, what should i do?

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sun Feb 21, 2016 6:30 pm

So 340/365 ...you said 356...so between 15-25 days a year he is not awesome. That is not good enough for your relationship? Must he always be happy and awesome for you?

And you say it has to do with drinking and out with friends. Stop the drinking/friends and maybe you get the perfect dream man 365/365.

At some point you must accept a person for who they are an not try to change them.

**Posts:** 2 · by **ang328742** » Sun Feb 21, 2016 6:42 pm

this is not about having flaws, and it isn't about me being demanding. I have no problem talking things out if they progress, and i have no problem with his flaws, moods and self esteem cheating issues.
This is about bursts of agression, about hitting things around him, about blaming me for his missfortune i have nothing to do with, about belittling me for no reason, about not admitting he even did all of that, about not even trying to make things better, about being unhappy when around people he cares about, about him feeling he is the worst and we are to blame, about him thinking we were putting him down, and about blaming me and my actions for provoking the agression, every time it happens - and it does happen every time he drinks or is with his friends for a longer period of time.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sun Feb 21, 2016 7:08 pm

And you expect to change this?

You expect to change him as to either not drink or not to be with friends...or you expect him to drink and be with friends, but modify him so as when he is drinking or with friends he does it in a positive way of which you approve.

You changing him is not going to happen.

What you can do is change yourself. You can be a person that doesn't stay in a relationship with a person that has these characteristics.

Not a one to one comparison, but I have dealt with hundreds of domestic abuse cases. It is always the same. They say how he is such a wonderful guy 364 days a year. If they could just change that 1 day a year when he comes home and punches them right in the face, life would be fantastic. They don't have the self-esteem or even the capacity to recognize the problem is them, so instead they focus all their energy on changing this otherwise wonderful man. Year after year they get punched.

I realize your situation is slightly different, but it is not too far off. Instead of a physical punch, you endure emotional abuse and instead of focusing on your issues as to why you would stay in such a relationship, you focus on trying to change him. You are not going to change him. Focus instead on you and your issues.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Wed Feb 24, 2016 1:27 pm

Dear Angie,

Of course, Richard, Is Right... within his own context. He has the Professional Habit of Preserving Relationships... Marriage and Couples Counseling and all of that... NOBOBY goes in for Counseling only be told "It would be best if you two just SPLIT".

But, I have no Professional Predilections. You Two Should Just Split Up.

Why? Well, it is not Just his Looks that he is insecure about. It is Everything. He compares Himself to Everyone about Everything, and He Never Come Out on Top in Anythjing. He Considers Himself a Useless and Extraneous Human Being, taking up Air, Food and Water that would be better going to somebody more worthy.

He has told you That, hasn't he?... in so many words.

Believe him. If he is as useless and vapid as He Sayis he is, well, you should Take Him at His Word.

So tell him... "Yes, you are right. I finally listened to what you were telling me. I might not be the greatest person in the World... not even close, but I KNOW I am not the worst... that I am up there in the Middle, and at some things I am actually Good. But YOU!? If you are the Worst Person in the Whole World than OF COURSE, it only makes Sense, to NO LONGER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU".

You seem like a Splendid Girl, and, as the girls used to say, "there is more than One Fish in the Sea". Dump that Crazy Neurotic and find some Nice and Worthy Guy.

Finding a Better New Guy will definitely be EASIER that fixing that "Psychological Basket Case" you are presently Shackling yourself to.

But it is Your Life. You can Spend it making His Life Better. Or you might consider spending Your Life to make Your Life Better.

. .

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Wed Feb 24, 2016 4:02 pm

Leo Volont wrote:Dear Angie,

Of course, Richard, Is Right... within his own context. He has the Professional Habit of Preserving Relationships... Marriage and Couples Counseling and all of that... NOBOBY goes in for Counseling only be told "It would be best if you two just SPLIT".

But, I have no Professional Predilections. You Two Should Just Split Up.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:What you can do is change yourself. You can be a person that doesn't stay in a relationship with a person that has these characteristics.

Leo,

I am wondering where you developed the impression I was telling her to stay together? I specifically stated she could be a person that "doesn't" stay in a relationship...

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Thu Feb 25, 2016 12:46 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Leo Volont wrote:Dear Angie,

Of course, Richard, Is Right... within his own context. He has the Professional Habit of Preserving Relationships... Marriage and Couples Counseling and all of that... NOBOBY goes in for Counseling only be told "It would be best if you two just SPLIT".

But, I have no Professional Predilections. You Two Should Just Split Up.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:What you can do is change yourself. You can be a person that doesn't stay in a relationship with a person that has these characteristics.

Leo,

I am wondering where you developed the impression I was telling her to stay together? I specifically stated she could be a person that "doesn't" stay in a relationship...

Oh! Well, that is Wonderful.... but for me, well, I apparently have to work on my Late Night Reading Comprehension.

However, my Mis-reading you, may have only served to enforce our Advice for our Requesting Poster... maybe we should start calling the RP's for short.

thank you Richard. Of course you are not perfect and you do make mistakes, but I was mistaken in believing that you would be wrong about something this clear. I am glad you straightened me out. It is better to Live in a World with Confidence in You, over a very long Reach... than not.

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:40 pm

Only your boyfriend can choose to love himself or not.

All you can do is set a self loving example and trust that he will follow suit

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Mon Feb 29, 2016 12:02 pm

JuliusFawcett wrote:Only your boyfriend can choose to love himself or not.

All you can do is set a self loving example and trust that he will follow suit

Julius,

I though you were a Happiness Counselor... but here you are Telling our Requesting Poster to Hang in the Air and Give Off Good Vibes, so her Totally Self Absorbed Boyfriend will Notice the Behavior of his Girlfriend... which by all accounts, he never noticed before, and Change His Ways.

So, what is it with you. Do you Really Want Her to forego any reasonable expectation of Becoming Happy Herself, in order to 'HANG BY HER MAN" forever, if need be... until he Finally gives her the Same Attention He Gives Himself... and THAT may well NEVER HAPPEN! The Guy is a Shuffle between a Masochist and a Narcissist, that is, he feels painfully Flawed and Inadequate, AND he is Inordinately Proud of It, for some reason. Yes, sometimes Insanity simply makes No Sense.

Anyway, Julius, PLEASE, try to be Consistent with yourself. It is the next best thing to being Right.

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Mon Feb 29, 2016 6:48 pm

She can walk if her intuition is to do so, she won't change him by becoming more like him.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:01 am

JuliusFawcett wrote:She can walk if her intuition is to do so, she won't change him by becoming more like him.

Julius,

It is not her Job to try to "change him". However, she can make it clear that she apparently made a mistake in 'getting to know', her 'boy-friend'... that in the Beginning all of his Character Flaws remained well hidden, or seem Cute and Endearing while still Under the Trance of Young Love. This is where she can Issue and Ultimatum. If He does not Change Himself in some Objectively Verifiable Manner, then She is Going Out the Door.

Indeed. This is where many Women receive their First Instances of Domestic Violence. So it is often better to leave One's Ultimatum in a nice white envelope on the Kitchen Table, and Number of a 'Burn' Phone that you got for the occasion. Tell him that if he over uses the Phone Number, well, she will simply Toss the Phone, and that will be the End between them.

Of course, if He knows where you work, and you want to keep your Job, get a Restraining Order. Walk out to your Car with Friends. Make sure you are not being followed. If you are, call the Police, describe his car, call his behavior 'erratic' and claim you feel endangered of your Life.

What Ultimately will happen. I don't know, but Many Men have sough Therapy while under a kind of Duress. Employers and Courts Order People to Anger Management all the Time, and in many cases the Patients see the Good Of it and become willing subjects. And many Women have gotten what their Ultimatums demanded. Now, it is a Card that a Woman should Play only in the most extreme circumstances.... truly Deal Breaking Situations. You see, Men typically do not Like to Surrender and do Penance and Change Themselves when they were thinking before that they were Just Fine. Eventually any Man will say "You want to go? Well, don't let me stop you. Hey, I'll hold the door for you. Oh!.. and don't take any of my Stuff with you. You came with a suitcase, and that is how you should be leaving. Bon Voyage, Honeybunch!".

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:35 am

What if there are no mistakes, just information and change in response to that information?

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 11:51 am

JuliusFawcett wrote:What if there are no mistakes, just information and change in response to that information?

That Seems to be the Age of Enlightenment Argument that depends upon the unproven premise that Everyone is Governed by Reason, and will always chose the Path that leads them to the Most ('Good"... the English interpretations. "Happiness", the French Interpretation). But, the Age if Enlightenment has been going on for Hundreds of Years Now. Since then we have had Democratic Choices such as Adolf Hitler, yes, He was Elected. And there had been so many Other Poor Choices. Clearly! we can not expect People to Think Clearly Enough about their own Self Interest, Because, well, there always seems to be some Emotional Content Involved.

it comes down to the Struggle within Moral Thinking between the Purely Rational and what is Purely, well, Aesthetic.

Look at it this way. Talking to some Young Grade-Schooler about Morality, is it Easier to teach him that Morality Consists of Those Things that provide the Best Living Circumstances for the People Involved, which may involve a great deal of
Experiment and Study, OR, that what Seems Nicest is Always the 'Bestest'.

The Enlightened Age truly Meant Well. But! The Common people were not Then, and Not Now, educated up to the level where they can be expected to Think Objectively and Rationally.

Julius, just look at Modern Psychological Therapies. Particularly the Cognitive Behavior Therapies. The Thinking, going in from the Start, is that THE PEOPLE ARE GETTING IT ALL WRONG. The Big Effort in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is to identify the Failures in the Thinking... the 'Cognitive' process. People are so comfortable with FEELING everything, that they, well, need all the Help they can get when it come to Actual Thinking.

So, yes, back to your original comment, about how ANYBODY may only need the Correct Information in order to behave Correctly. Well, As Things Go, must people do not Respond to Information as Input Data to be carefully Evaluated, no, they Respond to Information in an Emotional Way (Aesthetic Appreciation... Does this 'look' pretty or ugly?). In this context most people never even bother to 'Think' about any of the Incoming 'Information'. If it Seems Nice, it is good. If it Seems Bad... or contrary to One's Own Paramount Priority, one's own Self Interest, then it is Hatefully Bad!

Julius, just take a look at Current Politics. The World is Getting Ready to Install Another Fascist! Does this REALLY reaffirm your Faith in the Common Sense and Good Nature of People?

**Posts:** 10113 · by **JuliusFawcett** » Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:09 pm

Yes, there are healthy and unhealthy thought choices. So what if we vote unhealthily, it's Darwinism, the unhealthy die off faster than the healthy and the species constantly becomes slightly more healthy everyday as a result. The process is incremental, if you focus on a tiny part of the system, you can still notice unhealthy thought patterns, and as you look at the global picture over historical time you can see that healthy choices mean we don't drink Mercury anymore, we don't see homicide rates on anything of the scale of 1000 years ago, education has improved, water, housing, clothing, electricity, health improves, on the whole everyday.

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