A friend has introduced me to this forum, and as I'm lying awake thinking about the promises I've made to myself to improve my health this year, I've decided to give displaying my emotions a try in the form of an journal/diary
I've been thinking a lot about my family and how although I love them to pieces, I always find myself staying away from them. I am at this moment visiting friends (at least I'm trying to convince myself they're my friends) from uni and am feeling more confident that I've ever felt in my life. However I have no reason to feel this confident, I am coming to terms with the fact I have a substance dependency, am in an unimaginable amount of debt, and a complete inability to maintain any sort of relationship outside of my immediate family- which is possibly why I try and spend so much time away from them. In my mind the more time I spend around people the more chance I have of making them like me.
It has been said that this need to be liked has stemmed from a difficult relationship with my father. I believe that it's a mixture of many things, but in order to work through my thoughts I'll start with my relationship with my father.
I know my dad loves me (my baby photo is the screensaver on his phone and computer) however the type of relationship we have is very fragile due to our differences. He is a very authoritarian man who has strong beliefs in what is right and wrong, and is very very good at concealing emotions- at least that's what I thought as a kid.
Then as I grew older I started noticing some of his behaviours (that I fear have rubbed off on myself) PDA (e.g. Hugging, kissing my mum, saying I love you etc) is something that is not a feature in my house, and although I was (and still am) and attention seeking child who loves hugs and sharing love, I quickly grew out of that as showing emotion is often considered a weakness. Again I love my dad and I know he loves me but I realise that he is incapable of physically showing affection.
I then noticed in all the arguments I have had over the years with my dad, he has approached them in a way that might seem strange. I'm 22 years old and he still hides my clothes and turns off the wifi in the house when I've annoyed him (every night he would ritually turn of the wifi, and the only way I would have had access to internet at home growing up would be off my mums laptop (or eventually the Orange Rio phone I bought myself when I was in year 10). All of this sounds very trivial of course, and it really would be if it were not for the attitude that came along with these actions. From a young age I've felt what I thought to be sincere hatred in his eyes whenever I did something wrong, or even something that would indicate emotion or silliness (I.e dancing, singing- I want to be a singer). Then one day at uni I thought, what if it wasn't hatred but just confusion at expressing emotion/doing anything out of line, and began to contemplate the chance that my dad my be on the spectrum but undiagnosed.
I started looking into symptoms for undiagnosed adults on the spectrum and saw stories that correlated with my experiences, but then also wondered if this really did explain why I am the way I am or if it was just a coincidence.
Which brings me round to my symptoms, which I need to face and accept:
I have a strong need to be liked
I constantly worry about what people (my "close" friends) think about me, if they really like me, I doubt they want me around a lot of the time
I am constantly in need of physical contact and hugs, but literally rendered incapable when anyone sits near me as I'm not used to being hugged
I feel that I am the most unattractive, unwanted human in the history of the world and that everything I do disgusts people: from eating my food (I make a conscious effort to chew silently, and avoid eating in front of people if possible) to breathing too loudly or fast (I often try to hold my breathe around friends) or things like the clothes I wear, my skin colour/hair texture.
****I discovered drinking/getting high made me more confident, but then dealing with comedowns/hangovers/stoneovers meant that I would have to remember my disgusting annoying behaviour from the night before, which meant I constantly spend the day thinking about my actions and why my friends hate me.****
I think about death sometimes fearing but sometimes craving and I think about how little I have to offer people anyway.
At the same time believe that my life is similar to the Truman show except my friends can orchestrate scenarios to "**** me up" (I've often thought boys in my friendship group pretend to fancy me, to then secretly gossip and laugh about how stupid/unwantable I am)
And as I read all this is see how superficial and sh** all sounds, but as you can probably tell by the erratic way this is written I'm losing my mind and need to vent, as I don't think I have vented to anyone for the 22 years that I have been alive. Hopefully I'll do a better job of organising my thoughts next time!
(Although it has taken me a v v v long time with much deliberation to post this because honestly I think I'm being an ungrateful lil b, so you may not hear from me again haha)