My anger can possibly get me killed or hurt?

Hi Dreamer,
Welcome to the Forum.

Thank you for the details… that makes it easier. But from what you say, it seems like most of your Unwarranted Hostility occurs on the Sports Field. Yes, that is understandable, in the sense that to Really Play Well, you have to be a bit ‘juiced up’ on your own natural Adrenaline. I used to play sports very aggressively, but it never occurred to me to “mouth off”. Maybe being from the Bronx has something to do with it. People from the Five Counties are simply More Verbal than from everywhere else. Yes, as you mentioned, ‘Mouthing Off’ might indeed someday get you into Harm’s Way.

There is No Easy Way to change your Behavior, but there is a Difficult Way that might actually work. One of my favorite Anger Management Authors wrote a new book which I finally read – “The Angry Brain” by Ronald Potter-Efron. It details much of how the Brain works in governing our emotions and behaviors. The Key Section for Anger Management is in regards to the ‘plasticity’ of the Brain – its ability to learn new Behaviors. Also, if Old Behaviors are set aside and no longer frequently used, the Brain tends to see that Old Section of the Brain as underutilized and will take over that Brain Space for new Skills and Behaviors. So, you have to Actually Practice NOT Speaking Loud and Sharp. Oh! You are a New Yorker and so I suppose you Cuss and Swear in your Sleep – you might swear 20 times before Breakfast and not think a thing of it, because everyone else (in the Five Counties) does the same or worse. However, you really need to Stop That. Studies show that Swearing somehow releases a ‘Reward, Feel Good’ secretion into the Blood and Nervous System, and so if you Swear when you are Angry or Aggressive, then the Swearing actually Intensifies the Bad Behavior by “Rewarding It”. At one time it must have served some Evolutionary Purpose, maybe just to show who the NONE-Dominant Males were. Everyone knows how for a Second and a Half you feel like King of the World when you Cuss out your Boss, but getting fired is no way to Celebrate the Feeling. Then it might occur to you that a Stronger Man would have kept his Counsel to Himself.

So, we have established that you have to Practice Every Day the Art of not Saying Anything that isn’t either Useful or Pleasant. But you also have to practice Positive Behaviors, that is, Skills that can Take Over that Old ‘Evil’ Brain Space. Think of Nice Things to say to people. In Sports you can think of Clever Witty Thing to say when you are Thrashing it Out on the Field with somebody. Yes, you HAVE TO PLAY Aggressively, such as Running Full Speed and not caring if you ‘accidentally’ bump into an opponent, just as long as it doesn’t draw any significant foul (sometimes being sidelined for fouling is a good way to get a much needed rest). But the “Mouthing Off and In the Face Stuff” is just so ‘lower-class’! In England, the Aristocracy still has a large hold on Oxford and Cambridge, and they field Teams for just about everything, and the last time I heard they were still able to play quite Aggressively while still using mostly only Clever Banter to taunt their Opponents. Instead of Swearing, they would go all “Tougue and Cheek” against the other players. Yes, it must have been absolutely terrifying… to look up at the score board and see you are getting trounced by a bunch of ‘Pinky In the Air Tea Drinkers’.

Oh, I just remembered a Great Fact I had read in that book I mentioned above. There are Two Types of Aggression, and each has its own Section in the Brain – Predatory Aggression and Defensive Aggression. Predatory Aggression is Focused Stalking and Charging. It is Non-Verbal. The Predator is not trying ‘Scare’ Anybody – the Predator just wants Dinner! But Defensive Aggression is Fear Motivated and all the Bluster and Yelling and Cussing (Roaring and Barking and Growling, in animals) is made to discourage the Attack of what it is they are Deathly Afraid Of. When I read that I had a sort of Epiphany! -- it occurred to me that in Sports you would want your Team to be Predators, because Predators are Focused and Goal Oriented – no Talk, just a lot of Scoring! But the Defensive Aggression, although it may Reek of Adrenaline, and all the Bluster and Talk might SOUND as though the Players will have their Heads In the Game, well, even with all That, it is still ONLY Defensive – you Can’t Score if all you are doing is ‘Defending’. It wouldn’t matter what the Coach yells in. If the Team is Locked into the Brain Section that is Defensive, then all Offensive Plays will be tentative and reserved, and it will seem as though the players are ‘afraid’ of the other side. I wonder whether the Team that comes out onto the Field with their Predator Brain Working might not be giving off some kind of Primordial Scent or some non-verbal signal that they are Dangerous Predators, and the other team simply reacts by going on the Defensive – Bluster and Big Talk, but the Predators are so focused that they don’t hear a word of it.

So, NOW, I have decided that you Overuse your Defensive Aggression Brain Center much too much. You Need to Find that Predator Center -- BUT Not in a Bad Way, but in the way that it gives you a Form of Aggression that is Quiet while being also Focused and very Intense. It occurs to me that the Players from Oxford and Cambridge aren’t being clever and witty for the sake of their Opponents – they couldn’t care less about them! But I think they are simply ‘talking to themselves’ – ‘thinking out loud’. It might be one of those Stone Cold Killer Things that sets one off as a Predator, which strikes Fear in the Hearts of the susceptible players. More Coaches need to be Aware of this Dynamic. You have heard the phrases “Psyched Up” and “In the Zone”. Well, THAT only Works if Fear doesn’t set it. And so far we know very little about what kind of Non-Verbal and Behavior Signals may almost Automatically make a team Fearful. Maybe the Fix for Defensiveness consists in just finding that Predatory Center and exercising it – knowing when to Flip that Switch, and just with You Being a Predator, the other team will sort of Automatically get ‘Defensive’. Think ‘Michael Jordan’. That Man was like a Jungle Cat! But everyone Respected him…. Heck! The World out right LOVED the Guy! Both on and off Court. Nicest Guy in the World! Still is, I hear.

Anyway, get that Book and be prepared for The Long Haul. Making Significant Changes to the Way your Brain Works takes … the book says Months and Months, but from my experience, I think that Years and Years is more realistic. But you are only 27. I wish I had gotten to work Seriously on My Big Mouth when I was 27. I would have Conquered the World by now!

Oh, with Girls! While you are still Mouthing Off, believe me, you will just ruin any relationship. Besides, while Dating can be a lot of Fun, Relationships are nearly always troublesome. Girls want you to Change Everything about who you are, and especially anything that involves your Dignity and Self Respect. They want you to be Just like a Girl Friend but with pants on, and just as soon as you start doing everything they SAY they wanted, they leave you for the Next ‘Real Man Bad Boy’, whom they will start on just the same way they started on you. Girls burn up your Money and crimp your Freedom – even your Career! With some Chick hanging on to you, maybe you won’t be able to just fly to Chicago at a moment’s notice for the Opportunity of a Lifetime. But Dating can be Real Fun. Especially if you are a nice fun loving guy – likes to talk and listen, dance once in a while if your date is tapping her foot to the music. Yes, it is hard to keep these thing from turning into Relationships. What I do is I say goodnight at the door. I call after a few days and say how much Fun it was, and set up another date. AND If you NEVER go past the door, they pretty soon get the message that you only want to have Fun – the Good Kind of Fun – Clubbing, Dinners, Shows, Movies, and that kind of stuff. If you absolutely have to have Sex, well, you can save up your money and set that up too, in a way that guarantees ‘no strings attached’. But with just the Fun Dates, you can’t expect any one girl to stay with the Program that long. Most Young Women Want to be Mothers, whether they know it or not – it is a Strong Biological Imperative for Them. They are looking for a Man only because they REALLY WANT Babies. You will see a lot of that. But as the French say, Cie La Vie, … when one Fun Date stops taking your calls you just find a new Date to have fun with. Dating is Fun, but remember that Relationships will kill you – the Death of Masculine Freedom and Pride… submitting to the Leash of some Girl. Thank your Luck Stars Every Day that you have been spared the Humiliation of being some Girl’s ‘pet’.

Anyway, let me know if any of this works for you. I better give it a quick Edit-Read and hit SEND.

Leo Volont sums it up well.

There isn't much more to say.

With that said, only thing I will add - mouthing off in general is a bad idea. The ONLY time that it is acceptable - if you play for real money, but even then it is better to keep quiet. If you don't play for money, keep quiet otherwise you look like a fool for taking it too serious.