Livetowin wrote:Ascendant78 its understandable to be reflective when you're so fresh from the break. But I agree with Tokeless, that you would be well served to let go of sorting through her garbage and focus on your own back yard here. What got you in trouble was only seeing her side of things instead of just seeing things as they ARE.
Anyone who has to explain themselves (or their behavior) is selling a narrative for you to follow, which is a form of control. If you see someone kicking a cat, and they tell you its okay because they were scratched by one as a child, that does not change the fact they're still hurting an animal. It's no less obvious if they turn and start kicking you for some other removed reason. Let behavior speak for itself.
And I wouldn't get hung up on what you had in common either. That mythical check list should be retitled the "First List to Disarm our Common Sense". I say that because there's no standard to meet outside of a verbal affirmation which every car salesman uses to win your influence. The number one thing you should have in common with another person is RESPECT for who they are.
You don't have to agree with everything they like or even their politics. But there should be a common ground of respect for the space you reside in, just as you would give to them. If you can't first recognize each other as human beings, you have nothing to build upon no matter the intent. If you can master that perspective, your quality of life will be so much better because you can see people for who they are, rather than asking them what they want you to see. Use (and trust) your own eyes.
Thanks for the feedback. I was sort of seeing both sides, her side of things and the reality of it, which is why it wasn't acceptable to me. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I should've stopped doing so months ago. 11mos and still the same anger issues? No, not changing.
I know in hindsight, I should've drawn the line much sooner. I just kept hanging onto her reassurance that she would work on it. But, she can't control it, and as I already said, I don't think any amount of counseling will get her there either. No matter how much we read on relationship psychology, as soon as she went into her rage, all rational thought went right out the window.
And while I didn't read it before my last reply, I did address your cat kicking analogy in my last post. You're absolutely right - no matter what she's been through in the past, she is the one making the choice now to treat me the way she is. There's no excuse for it.
As far as similarities (or for me, my list of needs, wants, and bonuses), there are some things that I do absolutely need, and it narrows down my choices in people A LOT. It sucks, but I am VERY picky.
Just to give you an idea of what I need:
1) High intelligence (I've broken up with a good amount of women in the past because they couldn't keep up, then I get bored. This cuts out at least 80% of the population in and of itself).
2) One of their top love languages has to be touch, along with quality time. (I'm VERY affectionate/cuddly and need that in a partner)
3) Family must be important to them, as I have 3 kids
4) Can't be religous, but can't be too spiritual (I like open-minded people, and religious people tend to be too credulous for me, and ones that are way over the top spiritual are too much for me too. Basically, spiritual but reasonably skeptic. This again cuts most the population off my list)
5) MUST be honest. I break up in a heartbeat if someone lies about something big.
6) Has to have a similar attraction type like me (I become more attracted to the person I'm with as the relationship builds; I lose my sexual attraction to all other women, so loyalty with me could never be an issue)
7) Sex has to have serious meaning to them. If they've had multiple FWBs in the past and are fine with that type of thing, I can't do it.
MUST appreciate me and the relationship (what I offer).
9) MUST have respect and consideration for me (can't deal with someone who is really self-centered).
Those are just the needs I can think of off the top of my head. Then, there are wants, and things that are a plus. My list is HUGE, and she met almost every single thing on there. I even added some things because of her. So yes, respect like you said is a big one, but I need far more than that.
But, two BIG ones she no longer meets is respect and consideration for me, along with appreciating me.
I have a bad habit of giving people too much of the benefit of the doubt, along with trying to see the best in them. When they wrong me, I will sometimes make up excuses for them in my head. I know I need to stop doing that. Any man in their right mind would have left the first time she lashed out for no good reason.
Maybe one day, she'll fix it. But with how she feels it's my fault and a personality clash, I feel like she is a LONG ways from that. I'm just moving on. I don't think she'd ever have fully appreciated me. She just doesn't value a relationship like I do.