Hate Myself - Self-Violence

I'm curious as to how you can have a positive outlook on the world when you hate yourself.

I see myself and the world as separate. For example, I can say that I appreciate the opportunities I have (I do have to remind myself to be grateful for these things - or find others remind me...). I can't deny that there are good things out there. But on the other hand, I hate myself for either letting the opportunities get away, for whatever reason, whether it's by not working hard, by saying/doing the wrong thing or making stupid mistakes.

What do your family members say about this? Or haven't you told them?

I haven't told anyone - except on this forum. I don't really want to. It is quite strange (hence the reason I was drawn here to the Uncommon Forum). I would assume that what family would say is something along the lines of being more positive - that I "can only do my best" and that my deficiencies are who I am. I have had a pretty turbulent year in terms of emotions i.e feeling very low all the time and yes, constantly putting myself down. I think they have heard enough!

I have come to realise that I get anxious pretty easily, but the problem is that I can only place the blame on myself for whatever situation I put myself in. There is no problem except myself. I have tried to self-motivate, but unfortunately there is that small voice that always seems to crop up saying "but you're not good enough anyway - why even try?" and I can back this up by listing all my flaws and mistakes. I have tried to gain solace from those 'inspirational stories' of people who have struggled for a while and then suddenly found success, but once again, that voice...

So what's been going on this year?

It's my final year of university. After doing a year in industry the previous year (which had it's own problems - but that is another long story that also contributes to my self hatred), I had been not wanting to return this year. Before I started I was resigned to my fate. I have not enjoyed it. I have had to complete a final year project in a team with two others and that has been a terrible experience for me - on the upside I have learnt so much about how to deal with terrible coworkers including a terrible supervisor. I have been more stressed out now that I have had exams, but there has been a feeling of general resentment at having to come back anyway. I never wanted to go to that university in the first place, but back then I accepted the fact that I did not revise and so I ended up there due to my own laziness.

Now it is five years later and I feel that I am where I started. In a slump of uselessness. I have not been successful in a job interview for a role I really wanted to get, and now when people (including those I did my work experience with last year) ask what I am doing next year all I can say is that I don't know. My family says that I just need to do some job hunting and I suppose I will. I have no motivation though, I don't really care what I do now. Once again I will resign myself to my fate of having to do whatever I fall into just because I can't get to where I want to go.

You spoke of a voice telling you that you're useless, etc. That voice without a doubt is Satan's spirit. Self-hatred is actually you struggling with sin in disguise, which is good. It means you know right from wrong, and can feel it.

The best thing for you to do is find a quiet corner and pray. Talk to your creator, the only one who knows you best. I'll be praying for you as well.

Hi Translucent,

Funny you should say that. I think this is perhaps what a friend was also trying to say to me recently. You're right. I need to re-evaluate the state of my heart and try to build my connection with the creator. We belong to Him and to Him we shall return.

Thank you for your reply.

Dear Candid,

Thank you also for your replies. It is always helpful to have a listening ear.