Couldn't fit in and feeling invincible in the workplace

D called me an amateaur. There will be some VIP customers coming to our office tomorrow at the very last notice, and all our staff from our management group are on leave (interstate) so there's no body else to entertain them through out the day. I would be the only person in the office for 2 hours until D comes back - but I'm just an admin staff - how am I suppose to handle this or answer their questions? What if they ask me questions and I can not answer them?

D was nervous about this, and so am I! He told me I should bail out of this...I'm not sure what he meant by that? So in his eyes, I am an amateur - (which is correct because I'm not a good talker), but I just can't believe that's how he feels about me. It's really sad to hear this from him but at least he spoke the truth!

I'm really tired of this company...it seems like nobody cares. I can't beleive I am pulled into this at the very last minute. And I hate when they don't include me in emails... I know something like this would happen and I don't have any updates info about this event....tomorrow's event would be a humiliation for me.

***
P.S. I have a crush on D - a crush is when you love someone but too afraid to show or reveal your feelings to that person...therefore, nobody at work knows aboutt this because I hide my feelings away. I treat D like any other staff at work - only talk to them when they talk to me...

I need to face the fact that he doesn't like me, and that he wish I leave this company...just overheard him calling his miss, 'babe' on the phone. When will I ever wake up from this fantasy?!!

A good first step to waking up is getting a new job.

I know... i really cant wait to leave!

I stayed back to tidy and clean the office today because our company don't want to hire a cleaner and I just can't stand working in a messy environment.

A big lesson learned from this: I need to keep improving myself and keep educating myself so that when an opportunity arises I would be well prepared and able to shine.

Trying not to think of D...don't think of him. Just block these thoughts of him out of my mind. I'm sure I will find someone who cares for me in the future..Wish I can undo this crush on D. I hate this feeling of' wanting this person but can't have.'

Today turned out ok...wasn't as bad as I thought!

D talked to me because we had to complete a task together. I was completely mesmerized by him.. But we only talked about work and nothing else. At least I was happy to hear him talking to me... He's only treating me nice today because I was able to help him out with some work that he hates to do..

Its almost 2am and I couldn't sleep. I keep daydreaming about the part where D and I worked together yesterday as a team to complete a task.. When he's treating me nicely I feel secure and comfortable. I was able to look into his eyes and face ..and his hair is greying -and that's the charming part I like about him - how people's appearances change so fast in two years I wish I could freeze that moment in time. Definitely going to cherish this memory.

I have five days off. Going to focus on job hunting and nothing else. I learned in life that self improvement is very important. I want to build up my life's portfolio - the things I want to achieve in this life-time. I used to be a very bright person, for some reason, it just slip away from me.

Letter to self:

I deserve happiness - not sadness or misery over a guy who simply is attached and will never return my love back. When will I ever wake up?

When my manager asked D if you could do a shift on Friday, D replied back he can't because he's celebrating his 1st anniversary with his wife. He also said he rented a room in the hotel. When I heard this, I could feel sadness swept through my mind. Why would someone rent room in the hotel when they have their own house? Don't want to even think about it. Why do I always have a false sense of hope? It hurts really bad...

.

I feel so guilty taking 3 days off from work (no pay). When I remind my boss that I won't be coming to work tomorrow, he sounded surprised, and replied, 'ok.we will manage it.' Then, one of my senior collegue told me, 'You deserve it. Thank you so much for all the hard work you've done for us.' What does this suppose to mean? Does he know I will be laid off soon? I can't stop analyzing this!

My plan is to focus on job hunting for next 5 days (including sat & sun) for a back up in case I get laid off from work. I have this feeling it will be near. But I don't know when.

However, part of me don't want to leave this place because of D. I really love him so much and I don't want to loose him. And writing this sentence down,I could feel tears building up in my eyes.

The past few days, I have treated him a lot friendly. For instance, when I finish work, I managed to say, 'bye' to him. In the past, I don't bother saying bye or hello due to my shyness..but knowing I won't be seeing him again had made me overcome my shyness. I now learned that when I am nice to him, he will be nice to me.

Yesterday, I was upset when I was browsing through our group emails, I noticed that D did not include me in one of the emails that he sent. He copied my boss, and another female staff that he got a long with. I was so upset when I see this because I'm the person who handles this case. Without knowing what's happening, how can I do my job properly? And, I don't understand why he include the other female staff since she is on leave and does not handle this.

I am so confused and scared. I can't determine which of my thoughts are real and which of them are not real.

Does D like me? Half of me is believing me he does. But in reality he doesn't. If that's the case, why am I still believing that he does? A lot of relationship failed because of misunderstandings and lack of communication. and I don't want this to happen.

calmy12 wrote:My plan is to focus on job hunting for next 5 days (including sat & sun) for a back up in case I get laid off from work.

The job hunt is not "in case" you get laid off. The job hunt is to get a new job, to move forward in life. The sooner you find a new job the better. Good luck.

Does D like me? Half of me is believing me he does. But in reality he doesn't. If that's the case, why am I still believing that he does? A lot of relationship failed because of misunderstandings and lack of communication. and I don't want this to happen.

D is married. He just went to a hotel to celebrate his anniversary and make love to his wife. You are not in any sort of real relationship with "D" the dirtbag. You are in a fantasy relationship that is in your head.