Couldn't fit in and feeling invincible in the workplace

Is D the fella you were obsessing over in your previous threads?

Surely, there's nothing new in your problematic relationship with your workmates, is there?

SuperGurl - may I kindly ask you to be a bit patient with my postings. I want to heal myself and need constructive feedbacks...

All this time, I wanted to understand why I had fallen for D and why he had changed so suddenly...

I think I have found the answer. I spent today reading up, 'self-centred people' and it seems that D is displaying the following traits:

"Self-centered people only think of their own self and are not very considerate or empathetic towards others―if they are considerate, it is only because they are constantly calculating what the other person can do for them. In that way, the other person is only important because of their 'usefulness'. They are initially able to attract people with their charm and smooth talk and they are fully capable of abandoning someone in order to satisfy their own needs."

So I have fallen for D because of his charming sweet talk in the beginning. Now that I am not useful to him, he abandons me.... just like being dumped by someone...when I see him treat the new female staff kindly, it reminds me of myself in her position. Being dumped isn't the great feeling because you tend to wonder what you did wrong.

I am a sensitive person. Shannon L. Alder wrote that "sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.”

I've noticed that in my own life, when I obsess over a guy that shows little or no romantic interest, as soon as I find another guy that interests me, my former obsession drops to dead zero, with a who-cares-about-him attitude.

Go out and find someone else to capture your interest.

quietvoice - thanks for the input.

I went to bed early last night because I was extremely stressed out,and unhappy with my current life. I also spend the day in bed too because I didn't want to face reality... I feel my life is a complete mess and I don't know where to start. It's too overwhelming for me to handle.

I'm not after romantic relationship anymore. The real issue now is I am having trouble fitting in with people at work or in social environment because I have always been a really shy person who is insecure about myself and my looks. I get uneasy when people talk to me because I'm afraid they ask me about my personal life and I don't want them to know how messed up my life is.

How does a shy person like myself walk into the office with a smile on my face and pretend to be happy when I am not?

And how do I control my feelings by not getting upset when nobody talk to me at work?

I know I lack social skills; I can't carry a simple conversation with people without being self-conscious about what I say.

calmy12 wrote:How does a shy person like myself walk into the office with a smile on my face and pretend to be happy when I am not?

Easy.

Fake it til you make it.
OR
Find a job you like.

It isn't rocket science.

hey calmy,

i've seen all your threads over time & i get what it's like to be in your position. insofar as not feeling safe to open up & show yourself for fear of being judged. feeling ashamed about yourself & your life. as if your life is nothing & you do nothing. that really resonates with me. i feel that way a lot although over time i think i'm gradually getting better.

a few ideas:

people who are confident & outgoing can be a bit intimidating. it seems like they are everything you are not, like socializing & life comes easy to them (this may not actually be true). so if you can find other people who are a bit shy & quiet then it could be easier to bond with them - the problem with 2 quiet people is just that someone has to be friendly & initiate conversation

compared to others, you are probably not as much of an outlier as you think. there are so many people whose life is a "complete mess". people are always trying to hide things about themselves from others. people tend to try to show a sanitized version of themselves & their life around others because they want to be highly thought of. but if you were able to see how some people are when they are alone & noone is watching, you might be surprised that they have their own struggles also.

your pool of people to draw from for friends/love-interests/acquaintances may be a bit small. one of the biggest things to making friends is just being around people a lot over time. & then one day bam somehow you're friends. or acquaintances at least. so if you find some hobbies/clubs/courses or something to join, that could be a good way to help you make new friends & work on getting out of your comfort zone.

"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" - Dr. Suess.

Relax.

I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow because D would be around. I feel so uncomfortable when he is around - it's like facing your ex or the person who just dumped you.

I really should have left this company ages ago. Why did I stay behind and find out that D was not the person I had imagined...I can't get over how naive I was to have fallen for his charming sweet talk. All this time I wasted on thinking of him, but to him, I'm just a nobody.

I have just started applying for jobs because I want to leave this place asap. Staying in this workplace is a torture to my soul.

1. My new manager doesn't copy me into emails which is making me work a lot difficult to do when I am not in the loop. In the past, my old manager always included me in emails.

2. This workplace is full of back stabbers. Everyone talk behind each other back - even my new manager and D! I don't understand why people have to hurt other people this way, yet they go to Church

3. Some of my tasks and new projects have been passed on to other people to do...it's like being demoted.

Tomorrow, do I walk in and ignore D completely when I see him? I feel like doing this...

You are allowing your emotions to control your actions. That's not a good thing.

Every workplace has its politics. Don't think that a new workplace will not have certain dynamics going on, there will always be back stabbers. Be prepared for that. Have you read "The Magic of Thinking Big"? You should. Once you learn the rules, you'll then be able to play the game, if your career is your top priority in work. So long you allow your emotions, such as, "it's like facing your ex or the person who just dumped you" control how you act in work, such as, "Tomorrow, do I walk in and ignore D completely when I see him? I feel like doing this...", you will not succed in your current workplace, or any other workplace for that matter.

Learn how to recognise manipulation so you don't fall victim for it the next time.

Just a little piece of advice. Try not expect to find friends or romance in a workplace. Take everything everyone says with a pinch of salt. Don't just believe what anyone says unless their actions continuously and unfailingly back up what they say.

I don't know if it's possible for you to prove to your superiors that you are a competent worker. There may be tokio much damage done. Or there may not be. But before you decide either way, do yourself a favour, observe and learn the rules of the game so you can be successful in it.

calmy12 wrote:I have just started applying for jobs because I want to leave this place asap. Staying in this workplace is a torture to my soul.

Tomorrow, do I walk in and ignore D completely when I see him? I feel like doing this...

It has been awhile Calmy. You do need to change. I wish you luck in finding a new job. The question, when you find the next job what will you do differently? How will you avoid coming up with some new fantasy office romance in your next job?

You always want to be professional at work. Ignoring someone is not professional. It does not matter how others act. It does not matter if you feel they are being unprofessional, it matters that you stay professional.

Thanks all for the input....But I am SO sorry!!!! I I'm still struggling with this! I think the best medicine would be to leave this place asap! I've never fallen in love with somebody so deep before and it's not funny.

We were left in the office for the past two days and neither of us spoke to each other. He was awfully quiet because the other female colleague was on leave so he got noone to talk to. I couldn't talk to him, because I'm not a social type of person and I need him to initiate the conversation. And this makes me so jealous! So, in his eyes, I am just a "nobody". He can chat on and on with the new girl but not me!

Occasionally I would see him texting to someone as I walk pass him ... I feel so weak. If he had talked to me for the past two days, I would have forgiven him, and fallen for his spell over again.

I want D so bad. I'm so in love with this guy that I would forgive him for all the hurt he has done to me. I don't mind his laziness or the foul language he uses at work...To be in love with someone, it takes time to develop. So working in this place for over two- three years, I have fallen for D. Not just his looks - everything. Even if something tragic happened to D - I would still be in love with him.

But in his eyes...I'm nobody to him. He doesn't feel the same.

calmy12 wrote:Thanks all for the input....But I am SO sorry!!!! I I'm still struggling with this! I think the best medicine would be to leave this place asap!

Yes. Leave. There is no struggle, it is very, very simple. Leave, leave, leave. Let me repeat...leave. You have been advised to leave again and again and again. The advice has not changed, your situation has not changed and it will not change until you leave.

I will spend tonight to grieve over this. I feel like heading to the beach and scream and shout at the top of my lungs out when no one is present.

Next week I will ask my boss if I could take three weeks of leave. I know with D's presence, it will affect my emotions. I will use my leave to focus on job hunting. I want the new year to be a fresh start for myself and to completely forget about D.

I love D and I shouldn't deny this feeling.

For the remaining period in this company, I have decided to be a lot more nicer to D.

I am not asking for any thing in return - I just want to leave a good impression for him .

I don't want to live my life in regrets. It will be the last time seeing him if I leave next year. My heart is reserved for him. I will use my time productively. I want to be successful. Who knows, maybe a couple of years down the track, our paths might cross again and I just want to be there for him when he needs help.