bf who smoked

What will happen to him?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This means he will find a new woman that is attracted to a drug addict. He will continue to smoke 20+ joints a day. He will continue to not do anything all day and to be aggressive. Eventually he will turn 60, then 70, and will have gone through several more women. With age health problems will come, which he will most likely treat by smoking even more. As the health problems pile up, he will eventually die, having lived the life of a drug addict.

The more interesting question, in my opinion, is what will you do moving forward? How will you avoid falling in love with a drug addict that lays around doing nothing?

This is a question I make to me. At the beginning everything was nice, of course. I am teacher and I went to work everyday; I did'nt ever imagine he had this life. When the virus arrived, I moved with him and discovered that he smoken from the the morning to the evening. I thank you for your comment.

Philoctetes wrote: At the beginning everything was nice, of course....I did'nt ever imagine he had this life.

I understand. People tend to hide what they know others may find unattractive. As they become more comfortable they open up.

When I first moved to Las Vegas, I met a woman and "everything was nice". She smoked, drank, and gambled "a little". Within a month the "little" had revealed she was an addict...basically to all three. The relationship ended fairly quickly.

Looking back, the red flags were there, but I was young, new to the city, and didn't have the experience. I never dated another addict. When I saw a red flag, I didn't explain it away or rationalize it. When I saw a red flag, I proceeded with caution. To have a glass of wine or two was fine, to put $20 in a slot machine was fine, but I could recognize the signs. If they knew how to play the machine, if they had a players card that was old with marks indicating they had won several jackpots, I was done with that relationship.

I find it hard to believe that you didn't know he was a heavy pot smoker before moving in together. How long did you date before you decided to live together? The reason I ask, is because it seems like it would be very hard for him to hide smoking 20 joints a day for more than a couple of weeks.

Looking back, do you remember some red flags that you may have missed, overlooked, or ignored?

I think that, before the virus, he smoked between 5 and 10 joints. I arrived at home at 18:00, so I saw maybe 3 joints per day. He recognised it was a problem and promised he would change because of me and I was flattered (of course). The he went to a trip because he said he needed a new scene to stop. He promised he would return clean. Of course, it was not true. Three weeks after he returned, it was the lock-down and then he started to smoke (or I discovered it was like this) 20 joints per day. He was all the time stoned.

I know I am responsible for every single moment I spent with him. I just want ti understand.

Thanks for your comments. They help me a lot.

(English is not my mother tongue)

Philoctetes wrote:I think that, before the virus, he smoked between 5 and 10 joints.

I am still not clear. Before you moved in with him, you knew that he smoked between 5 and 10 joints? How long did you date before deciding to move in together?

Philoctetes wrote: during confinement 600 euros per month. More or less 20 joints a day. It destroyed our relationship and yet I loved him deeply.

I feel sorry for him as well as for you!

Some people are very easily addicted to substances or dangerous activities. I'm one of them, and I know how much worse these things get while our movements are restricted and there's no end in sight. It's an anxious time, and if your partner isn't working or is working at home, I understand his frustration.

Please note I'm NOT suggesting you can help him or that you should stay with him.

he went to a trip because he said he needed a new scene to stop. He promised he would return clean. Of course, it was not true.

I think it very likely he intended it to be true, but 20 joints a day takes up a bit of time, and what does someone do when a time-consuming habit is removed? If you've never been addicted to anything you possibly wouldn't know addiction is in the mind at least as much as in the body. The whole focus is on NOT doing something, and the thought of that something gets more insistent all the time.

So for your partner I recommend he get busy, because I know I smoked (cigarettes) much less before the office closed in March last year and I continued working at home. That raises another useful observation: I never smoked in the office because I never had smoked in the office; I went outside two or three times in the course of a day. But if I'm working in my own space, why wouldn't I have an ashtray on my desk? Then at the end of a day I look at how many butts are there and I'm shocked.

Much of addiction is about associations and triggers. He smokes because he can, and because every smoke has a dual function: it soothes his anxiety and at the same time it increases the likelihood that he'll do it again.

Richard is addressing you and asking you to consider why you were attracted to your partner, in the hope that you won't make a similar choice in the future. I'm seeing it from the other side: he won't stop unless he has a major change in his lifestyle. You leaving him is unlikely to be that change, because it just increases the empty space in his life.

Richard@DecisionSkills

I dated from Septtember to January. In January he left 4 weeks to quit and return clean. But he didn't. He stayed only 1 week I noticed by his voice. He arrided in February and three wweks later we was in lock-down. Obviously, I knwe there was a problem, but I did not know what was being stoned all the day.

I think he is a person who has suffered a lot.

Please note I'm NOT suggesting you can help him or that you should stay with him.


When we broke, I told him he was a drug addict, that everybody could see it in the street and the he had spent 600 euros per month in weed. Since then, more than a year, I have had no news. So, I can't help him even if I wanted to.

Thanks again for your comments.

Candid wrote:

Philoctetes wrote: during confinement 600 euros per month. More or less 20 joints a day. It destroyed our relationship and yet I loved him deeply.

I feel sorry for him as well as for you!


Please note I'm NOT suggesting you can help him or that you should stay with him.

When we broke, I told him he was a drug addict, that everybody could see it in the street and the he had spent 600 euros per month in weed. Since then, more than a year, I have had no news. So, I can't help him even if I wanted to.

Thanks again for your comments.

Best thing to do is to put him out of your mind and look for a partner with values similar to yours. I know it isn't easy as things are in the world now, but it's the most nurturing thing you can do for yourself.

Candid wrote:Best thing to do is to put him out of your mind and look for a partner with values similar to yours. I know it isn't easy as things are in the world now, but it's the most nurturing thing you can do for yourself.

Thank you very much. In fact, I don't know is this "need" of understanding is not just the result of my inability to forget him

Thanks again.