Me, pseudo depression and a whole bunch of other 'problems'

Egor, most of my younger life I was so shy.... it is hard to put into words. As a young adult I began to gain enough confidence to function normally in the workplace. I made mistakes, but I was doing well enough by then that I could forgive myself and keep going to work in spite of feeling like a misfit.

One day in the copy room one of my coworkers told me a story about a woman who did not always keep the cleanest house. A friend was over one day and noticed a piece of orange peel covered in dust on the floor. She picked it up and on the way to throw it in the trash said, "Ya know something, Susan? This is why I like you so much. You are not perfect! Being around you makes me feel better about myself."
My coworker said, "Paula, that is what I like about you too."

After that I started thinking less about how I felt and put more effort into how I made others feel. It worked wonders. I was less uncomfortable and I have received some heartwarming compliments from people.


There is a quote: People will not remember what you said or what you did when you are gone. People will remember how you made them feel.

Egor, it is very apparent that you are quite intelligent! You are probably very observant too. I hope I am wrong, but I suspect you might be a little bit too critical. I know I was when I was younger and trying to fit into a mold of what I thought people wanted me to be. It was exhausting work. Even with my depression, Life is so much more fun just being me, who I am with all my idiosyncrasies!

It is none of my business, but what is so "eugh" about you?

polyanna/paula (split personalities?), its kind of nice that you asked whats so 'eugh' about me, don't worry about asking probing questions, no-one but my internet friend seems to really be at all curious as to how I'm feeling and whatnot, and even she doesn't most of the time, so, its nice.

Now, what is so eugh about me... I'm not sure if I can quite describe it, but, I find myself repulsive, its not just a physical thing, I feel as if I'm a complete weirdo, I don't say much, I often keep quiet, but when I say something, it seems so forced, I literally go over in my head 'should I say this? I'm not sure, its kind of boring and stupid and annoying, however, they are expecting a response...'. I think the best way to describe this, is by saying that I view myself as 'sad' a 'loser', here's something no-one here wants to hear, I never will be in a and I never will have a relationship, with anyone, ever, and, this will sound gross, but what the hey, I watch porn!, yes, thats how sad I am, oh, but it gets worse, I don't just watch any old porn, I watch first-person perspective porn, mostly, and, you know what, its not even that enjoyable anymore, I won't go into the details, I've scarred people for life enough already, but, I feel bad and ashamed when I 'watch' it, on many an occasion I have felt very sad, and even cried both during and after, so, there is another eugh thing, I am a sad loser who cries alot over stupid things. Oh, and btw, its not the fact that I watch porn which makes it sad, or the type I watch, its that fact in conjunction with who I am, to be honest, I don't view porn-watchers as being sad at all, except myself, I often saw it as something that was fun, just an 'aid', really, for when you can't be bothered to fantasise.

Well, I hope that makes sense, I just wish I could be like other people.

Oh, and polly, I liked hearing about that story , its just that, to me, no-one is perfect, everyone has small imperfections, but I see myself as different from all of that, I see myself as boring, stupid and, yes, eugh. I feel as if I make others feel miserable, or bored, or nervous, uncomfortable and right now, I feel as if I have just put everyone on this forum off replying to my posts, forever.

Polly, I used to play tennis too, and basketball, sh*** at both, but, it felt good when I could do overhand serves correctly, regularly, or when I could hit a 3-point shot in basketball without it always being a fluke, I gave both up, tennis because it was very frustrating due to my height at the time, and basketball because I tore the ligament in my knee, which was a pity, because at the time I had got into a routine of quite alot of pushups each night, there you go, that was something else that felt good, keeping up a rather pointless routine... but now, I don't have any of those things, I didn't like basketball that much because I were boring around the people I played with, and I can't go back to it, nor do I have the inclination to.

Right now I like to buy clothes and read, none of those are rewarding though, buying clothes just seems like something that comforts me. The only other thing that I find rewarding is programming , I've never been very good at it, too stupid, you need a really logical mind for it and in some ways an imagination too, I have neither.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, everything I do, it makes me feel bad, when I code, I think of how crap I am at it and how stupid I am, when I read, I say to myself that it is just escapism from my sad life, which really breaks the immersion.

Sorry, I'm droning on here, I really shouldn't have said any of this...

Ego, Yes, you caught that I am a split personalty too. I have several alter egos. The internet really encourages that too. I think I also have several social facades I use in public too. Oh, I use them with family too. I have never been very comfortable around family gatherings. People are so sweet and loving while together and then WOW! how they talk when they are apart. That always made me feel, "I wonder what they all say when I am not around."

I am the most content when I can be with people who can accept me the way I am with faults and failures and boredom and sadness ( I usually have a lot of that ) and illogical thinking. I have even received compliments on being able to cry and show real emotion! I thought that was weird. I thought everyone can - they just choose not to because it is not nice in public. It is supposed to be a private thing. I have come to learn that most people are afraid to show how they really feel. Afraid of how others will accept or reject them. So, I tend to stay alone much of the time.

Feelings are really important to me. When I was young I thought I was a vegetable incapable of any feelings. I learned that as a defense mechanism. It worked for me for a very long time. When I started therapy in my late teens (18) I began to find that I did have genuine feelings. It took a while, but I learned to BE them. It took even longer to learn that I am more than just those feelings no matter how important they are. I am still learning how to contol them. That is where the Depression Learning Path and the Self-Confidence course and Goal Planning comes into play for me. Like someone said earlier, "Feel the FEAR and do it anyway."

I am glad to hear you enjoy buying clothes. You have to go into public places and rub elbows with the common guy to buy clothes don't you? And reading is a wonderful escape. You also browse libraries and bookstores to get new books don't you? Ever join a book group where you all read the same book and then express your ideas about the reading? You said you like to hear what other people think. You might enjoy that kind of group.

That also reminds me of Gurdjieff groups that I have joined before. We discussed ideas that really set my mind whirling - in a good way - I think. Do you read things like Krishnamurti? or Gary Zukav, or Deepok Chopra? or Baba Ramdass? I did, I do, I like escapism in that way. I read simple little nonsense novels too and historical novels, but these different philosophies are my favorite. Really gives me food for thought. Finding a kindred spirit to talk about things like that is very rewarding.

Egor, I can understand your feelings about putting everyone on this forum off replying to my posts forever. Maybe it is because - perhaps this furum is intended to allow people to express their feelings and get advice. I have felt the same, thinking I talk too much. I have also thought that I tend to talk too much on line because I am not socializing with REAl people in the REAL world.

I used to be very thin - I was a flight attendent - I was very athletic and active in all sorts of social gatherings, from physical to philosophical to spiritual, etc. I had some medical set backs about ten years ago that really put an end to all that. I have gained so much weight now that I feel miserable. I don't think I am self-conscience about my size when I am in public. I see lots of people much bigger than I am. But at home I hate getting dressed - for one thing it is physically difficult. I am exhausted after ward. Secondly, nothing fits. Everything is too tight and uncomfortable. And being comfortable is important to me.

I have to share another story - when I was in grade school the crinoline petticoats were in fashion. I would come home from school with my petticoat slung over my shoulder. It horrified my mother that I would do such a thing in public! I just told her, "It scratches me. You don't expect me to wear it! Do you?" (I guess I was not always shy in all situations!)

Which brings me to another point. I think just about everything is on a continuum. Another way of saying nothing is all black or all white, but everything is somewhere on that continuum between the two and like the yin/yang symbol at the end of each, things have a way of rolling over into the other opposite. SO, are they really opposite?

I wanted to offer yet another suggestion. Please pardon me for preaching. When you are coding and begin to think about how crappy you are at it and how stupid you are... STOP!!!! Begin to think about the last shopping trip you had. How much fun it was. What you looked at and didn't buy. Maybe some things you would like to buy and couldn't afford. Maybe you will save up for it and go back and buy it later. Think about the things you have bought and worn and enjoyed. Do you ever just look at your closet admiring all the nice things you have. (I sometimes arrange things by color and admire that.) That boring coding is what makes that all possible. Take a second to be grateful for the coding.

I think we, maybe it is not just Americans, maybe all human beings, think their life and what they do and have is not good enough. We have sooooo much more than most the world's population. We have so much to be grateful for and yet we feel sorry for ourselves so much of the time. Egor, I am preaching at myself more than at you. My life used to be so much nicer and easier and I do feel sorry for myself the way things are now. I am ashamed of it, but I do. I am trying to make changes - they come slowly.

There is so much more I want to say to you, but I must go now and I think all my posts are way too long anyway.

Polly, I like your posts, I like them long, I think you must be a really super person to be helping me out here (which is what you're doing).

I'm not really at all intellectual, I don't really have views on books, well, I do, but they're dumb, other people seem to derive really profound things from them, always makes me feel like I've missed the point, so, I tend to just read for enjoyment... people at book clubs would make fun of me.

Well, buying clothes is kinda nice, except that I'm in this situation where I can't do it on my own (going out on my own would be perceived as odd, and thus, I wouldn't be allowed...) so, I, um, hohum, go shopping with my mum , and, I um, hohum, don't do that often because I can't buy what i really want to buy...

You may laugh at me here, but I haven't even heard of Gurdjieff and all...

I'm currently reading Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment, its slow, which is annoying, because I want the events to happen sooner... thats the kind of reader I am, fairly dopey, not very thoughtfull .

I kind of understand with the feelings thing, whilst in a way, I almost break down to tears at work, its always when no-one is around, I am like talking to a wall, otherwise. I know things would just go downhill if people saw me cry, or express my emotions.

Its the same here, in many ways I feel as if talking online to people all the time is only making things worse for me, I am becoming more and more boring.

I don't think you should be ashamed for feeling sorry for yourself. I always figured that the person who is worst off in the world is the person who deals with things the worst. I'm not saying you deal with things badly, but, ack, I'm not too sure what I'm trying to say. Feeling sorry for yourself, it might not be a good thing psychologically (ie. it might not help you get out of the situation), but, I don't think its something you should be ashamed of.

Oh, and I haven't really got that many clothes, or a wardrobe, I just like buying them, its hard to actually go about doing it tho, hence the lack of many.

Its a pity that amazon exists, it means I never go to bookstores, which, helps me, and doesn't, in a way. I always worry in a bookstore that someone will take a look at the book, and then me, and say "hah, he's too stupid to read that" or think something about my taste in reading.

I know this sounds stupid, but, i get really nervous around shop assistants, I don't know what to say half the time, I mean, there's not much I can say, i get worried that they think I'm a weirdo.

In some ways I wish I had a social facade too, it would require too much thought, tho.

I have to confess, coding, reading, clothes buying and even listening to music, I don't seem to be interested in anything lately, I just lay in bed as soon as I come home from work, and start being miserable...

And, I am seriously sorry for talking about me watching porn , thank lordy that was censored, hopefully people will mean I meant something like, corn, I don't know.

I'm sorry for being boring and talking crap here, even on the internet I'm stupid.

I wish I could say something worthwhile.

Egor, I just got home and wrote another LOOOOONNNNNG reply and it got lost. I recently bought a new pop-up blocker and it is not working and I think my reply got deleted when the pop-up ad got deleted.

Any how, I can realte to many things you have written. I recall a few years ago spending a lot of time at the job in the ladies room crying. That was so painful. I don't even want to remember it. More recently I got sent home from a job because I got so upset I started crying. I later quit that job because there was just too much turmoil going on all the time. This person did not like that person. And this person was always causing trouble for everyone. And even the Director backstabbed people behind their backs. I could not protect myself emotionally enough to stay there.

I wrote guite a bit about your ****. Mostly I said I wished you could meet and talk to one of my sister's ex-husband. He goes for the shock value. He does shock most people. He had a HARD ROCK BAND when I knew him. One time he would have a huge head of hair - all big fuzzy Afro looking - like Don King only bigger and blacker! The next time her would be totally bald. He wore a spiked dog collar. He also wore a belt of amunition like a gorilla warfare or Mexican revolutionist would wear around his shoulder and chest. He had several pierces. But he was the most tolerant person I have ever met.

He wrote poetry and wrote songs. Some were terrific. Some I hope I never have to hear or see again. My point is there were no boundaries on his acceptance of any type behaviour. I disagreed with him on some points, but he accepted everyone. He made everyone feel comfortable because he accepted everyone. If his shocking behaviour repulsed someone - that was fine with him. He would rather have someone honestly dislike him than to have someone pretend to be accepting when they actually disapproved.

Somehow this is not coming out the same way it did the first time. Sorry.

I think you do have views on books. I think your ideas are very worthwhile. I cannot imagine people making fun of them. But I don't know everyone. I can agree with you wanting things to happen faster too. I was supposed to read the "Little House on the Prairie" series to some children I was keeping one time. I could not stand those stories.

There may not be many people who have heard of Gurdjieff. Isn't Crime and Punishment the one where the man's own conscience is his punishment? I should think attempting Dostoyevsky shows intelligence.

Well, I am sure there was lots more, but I feel like the computer may crash at any second. I hope you are feeling better.

Yeah, turns out I nearly did cry at work today, in the men's toilets, it was so hard to hold back, I realised someone was in a cubicle and other people could walk in at any moment, so I couldn't, I honestly don't believe I can take this anymore, and I'm not sure if I even want to, I don't want to try. I know depression is treatable, people get over it, but, I'm not depressed, I'm sad, I'm a loser and I'm boring (as I once again, realised at work today). Its so hard, I don't know what to do anymore, my internet friend has become distant all of a sudden, I even feel as if I'm being boring around her, this will sound big-headed of me, but, I used to feel that I could be sort of interesting around her, I don't feel that anymore.

Polly, thank you for telling me that, I wish I knew someone as accepting as that guy.

Yeah, the protagonist basically tortures himself, mentally, or so I find. I feel as if I can kind of relate to him, this will sound horrid of me, but, everyday I think of killing myself, I have a plan, but, on rare occasions, there have been days when I have not only fantasised about dying, but about killing someone else too, I'm not even sure why, I don't believe in vengeance, I'm atheist but I do believe in forgiveness, I've never believed that punishment actually achieved anything, and the people I've thought about killing, they're not even always people I hate. Good lordy, I really shouldn't be talking about this at all, i scare myself sometimes, I don't think I'd go through with it, I don't know, I always thought other people thought of killing themselves, but, i don't think everyone thinks of killing others, maybe they do though, I don't know.

Today the thoughts in my head were particularly bad, sometimes I feel like saying really weird things to people, not just people I know, or don't know, random people, things such as 'I love you', I don't know why, I don't love them, I can't explain it, I can't stop thinking that there is something wrong with me. There have been alot worse thoughts than that.

The thoughts aren't really what are getting me down though, I'm trying so hard, but I simply can't stop thinking about how boring and useless I really am, its very hard, it looks like for the rest of today I'll be laying in bed, again, its such a dreary room I sleep in, lonely. This is sad of me, but I dream of holding my friend when I sleep...

I think maybe my problem is that I feel as if every element in my life is, sad? And the lack of other elements is sad too, no friends, etc. The problem is, thats a lost cause, I'll never have any friends, again.

The thing is, whilst your sister's ex sounds pretty nice, understanding, most people, quite simply, aren't.

Not sure what to do anymore maybe it is time to end my life? I can't get the thought out of my head that its meant to be.

Again, thank you polly for replying, I'm not sure if I should still be posting on the forums, I don't have anywhere else to go, I don't think this is what I'm meant to be doing here.

Egor, I think this in deed is where you belong. Especially if you are isolated from other helpful groups. Practically everyone on this site, esp in this forum are feeling depressed, sad, much like you.

I personally want to live. I personally do not expect to be happy. If happiness comes as a by-product as they say, that will be a plus, a bonus. My personal goal for now is to remain calm. My tendency is to make life-ending decisions while I am in a catostrophic-thinking mood. I now realize that I have done that in the past and I can still do that now if I do not keep working on the self-development, self-confidence, cognitive behavioural therapy.

I am doing laundry today. I was feeling so sad because things I used to do in a very few minutes with energy to spare, now take me hours to do with less quality, and I am totally exhausted afterward. I hate it. But I do not want to quit. I want to learn to accept the changes in my life. So, I now take all day to do what I used to do in minutes. So What!!!

Since I moved here, I have had to work three times as hard and longer hours and make about a third the money I used to make at an easier job with much less stress, competition, etc. Am I depressed over that one? YOU bet I am. But I am here, alive, and I must be here for some unknown purpose. I deeply believe that for myself and for you too, Egor.

I think you would like that ex-brother-law of mine. I know he would like you. I would be willing to bet money on his ability to help you accept yourself too. He is like that. A REAL COOL DUDE! He certainly has his faults too.

Egor, I know your pain must be unbearable. I have been there. I have tried to end my life several times. I think I told you that. Everytime someone or something prevented it or brought me back. Now I am glad that happened. I really honestly want to keep working at improving my life.

For some reason today has been a BAD day for me. I am crying now as I write. Sometimes I do not even know why I feel sad. Grief process for loosing (SP?) myself - the happy, active, outgoing one I used to be and I know I never will be again. Whatever the cause, I know this mood will pass.

I guess another goal or part of the goal to remain calm is to ride out these sad times until I do feel better. I always do. The medication helps that. Just don't make rash decisions while you are in a sad mood. PLEASE!!! I say this to myself as well as to you.

I really feel for you now, Egor. I wish you could get out of that room and attend a group. Even for one hour, one day a week, I wish you could be with people who feel the same way or similar, people who will accept you the way you are right now.

I wish you every happiness! I look forward to hearing from you. I like to read about your ideas.

There is help out there for you. Even if you do not feel you do not want it right now. I think - I hope that somewhere deep down inside you do.

Please write again soon.

Today it is Pleading Pollyanna