Me, pseudo depression and a whole bunch of other 'problems'

**Posts:** 145 · by **egor** » Tue Apr 13, 2004 6:04 pm

Hi there, this is my second thread, and another self-centred one at that, so, I apologise.

I basically have alot of questions and problems, and I'm using this forum to ask them because my only friend (I'll come to that...) thinks I may be depressed.

Now, I am starting to think I'm depressed too, I am very ashamed, but, I cry quite a bit, I have read that being tired alot, despite having my required 8 to 9 hours a night, is also a symptom, and I am tired alot, and I seem to dream alot too. I'll talk about whats 'wrong', although not explicitly because its all very embarassing, in a bit, but, to start with, here is my first question. Is it possible that I'm not depressed at all, and am instead being self-indulgent and have convinced myself that I am depressed when I'm not, really?

I'm really worried thats the case, because, as it is, I don't see what can be done about me being upset all the time, its getting to the point where there are rarely any moments in the day that I do not wish to die, it isn't too bad right now, I still want to die, but I think I can think clearly, naturally if I'm not thinking clearly then I'm also falsely thinking I'm thinking clearly, so, I'm not too sure if I am.

Basically, what is making me sad, is, well, me, and here comes my second question. I am incredibly boring, and, 'slow', I can't socialise at all well, I have a job, but, today was a very bad day, I had to lie about having friends, i hardly ever lie, I simply couldn't say that I had none, I feel as if I do have one, however, and she is an 'internet friend', I do adore her, but its so embarrassing. But its worse than lieing about not having any friends, I were asked questions about whether I did anything at the weekend, the answer being no, the conversation then went on to, do i go clubbing, the answer was no, and the final question was, do I go out at all, the answer was 'not really', followed by another lie, saying I go out sometimes . I don't go out at all, as soon as I come home from work I lay in bed and go on my computer, laugh all you want, it hurts me alot. Whats worse, is, I simply can never carry a conversation, everyone else is interesting, funny, I am so boring, and stupid, I am really scared that I might lose my job, too, for being such a loner, sometimes I get so scared of replying to someone I mumble, say something weird or just freeze, I seriously can't take this anymore, something needs to be done. So, here is my second question, I know there is nothing that can be done, I can't change, but does anyone have any tips for making it hurt less? If someone knew a way to make me more interesting, I'd definately be up for that, but I doubt anyone does. I'm pretty useless, so, right now, I'm just staying around for my internet friend, but to be honest, I really don't feel as if I can hold out for much longer.

I would also like to say, I am 16, so, going back to my psuedo depression question, could I just be a whining teenager? I never understood that steriotype, I've never known any.

Back to my sadness, I haven't got an aim in life, I can't even think up an attainable one, I'm not really good at anything, at all, so, I figured if I at least tried to aim for something. And, what better an achievement than to overcome something that makes me unhappy. I feel as if I have an addiction, it isn't a large one, its food, I basically eat because I get bored, sad, and, yes, lonely, I know that sounds stupid, I mean, I don't make smiley faces with my food or anything, not often, anyway. Its basically 'snacking' that is my problem, I have what some may call a 'beer belly', but its slightly larger than that. I once managed to overcome this, I stuck to it for about 6 months, but then, christmas came, I couldn't refuse the food offered to me, it would have been impolite, and I am kind of ashamed of my addiction, i don't want people to even know I'm trying to stop, which is why I couldn't, at the time, appear to be refusing food. And so, since then, this was some years ago, btw, I have been snacking, quite alot. I simply can't stop, not even for one day, it was so hard to stop in the first place, now it is impossible, and I mean it, I can't even stop for one day, my question is, is there absolutely anything else I can do? Like I said, I eat to comfort myself, maybe I need comfort, I'm not too sure if I even want to give it up.

I'm sorry for droning on, i realise this forum isn't here for me to just whinge on, i would really like to know how possible it is that I am depressed, or just think I may be.

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 8:34 am

Hi egor

I thought this was a very brave post you made, and I feel for you.

I don't think it matters so much to find a label - whether it's depression, or self-indulgence, or being a 'whining teenager'. What matters is that you are unhappy with your life right now. You don't really need a label for that. And you would like to be happy, but are not sure how to go about it.

The thing about being happy, I think, is that it is not really a goal in itself. It's not something that you can 'achieve'. I think of happiness as a 'by-product'. It is a by-product of doing things that interest you, of developing yourself, of connecting usefully with other people, and of accepting your own value (something which is particularly tricky to do when you are depressed, but essential for happiness!)

Dorothy Rowe's wonderful book "Breaking the Bonds" has got much helpful advice on dealing with depression, and a whole chapter on dealing with loneliness, which includes the following 12 decisions you can make to bring yourself out of loneliness. I'll just list them in summary here - she puts a whole lot more info in the book, of course, but this is just to give you some ideas!:

Well, that's a lot of things, and clearly not an overnight job! However, you have already started, egor, in joining this forum and sharing with us what makes you sad, and listening to others telling what makes them sad! And you will see that as you become more interested in other people and what makes them tick, you will become more interesting yourself - to be interesting, you need to be interested.

Anyway, enough for now, stay with us!

Kathleen

**Posts:** 128 · by **Pollyanna** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 10:39 am

Hi there!

I like to isolate like you. I like to eat when I feel hurt, lonely, frustrated, etc.

I was not always this way. I am beginning to learn that a few years ago when I was what I would call an outgoing, fun-loving, easy to talk to type of person, some of the things that were different then and that might have been contributng factors to my contentment and self-confidence are/were:
I started practicing yoga and meditation. I attended communication classes. I took part in retreats (very interesting and fun emotionally and physically.) I took assertiveness training. I was vegan.

Sometime between 1971 and 1981 I was enjoying life - activities - hobbies - friends so much I started leaving some of those things out of my life. I began eating meat again, (which may or may not have anything to do with it), I quit meditating daily, I eventually quit doing yoga all together. At first I was doing other forms of exercise: tennis, racquetball, softball, volleyball, swimming daily, hiking, kayaking and canoing, etc. Eventually they all came to a stop. I used to sew a lot and design costumes. That dwindled away. I used to be an avid photograher. I recently gave all my equipment away since I had not used it in years. I used to draw and paint constantly. I do not even doodle anymore.

A few years ago the depression came back with a vengence. I am now learning some techniques they suggest to combat the symptoms of dression are all those things I quit doing: meditate, exercise, socialize, etc.

One group that really helped me so much - was "BEGINNING EXPERIENCE". It was put on by the Catholic church. It is a weekend retreat followed by several weeks of communication classes. After attending once, I became a facilitator on more weekends. I learned so much and gained so much self-esteem from these groups.

I am now trying to incorporate these things back into my life. It is difficult. I do a little at a time and try to reward myself when I make small steps in the right direction. I will succeed because I want to change my life. I do not like it the way it is now.

I am so glad you wrote in. You are not the only one who feels the way you do. But I do not think isolation (or food) is the answer.

Hope to learn more later. Keep on trying.

Pollyanna

**Posts:** 8 · by **halcyon** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 3:14 pm

egor,

i read your post yesterday and was going to respond but decided me giving anyone advice on dealing with depression is a really bad idea! but i woke up this morning thinking about what you had written and i wished i had said something... i don't know what, but something.

i guess i just identified with the not having friends thing. the thing is, i actually prefer to not have friends but i would feel bad about it when people would ask me because i knew they would think i was some kind of loser for not having friends. and i can TOTALLY relate to the social awkwardness. i have no social skills whatsoever. one thing you might try keeping in mind in social situations is this: everyone has a social mask. they put it on when they are around other people. it takes a very long time to really get to know someone and when you do you find out that the (seemingly) most confident people have all kinds of insecurities and hang ups. but when you're in a social situation you are comparing yourself to everyone else. the problem is, you're comparing your true self to their social facade.

i understand the binge eating all too well. unfortunately my ways of dealing with it just create a whole host of other neurosis. there's no simple solution for people like us. i've just learned to embrace my weirdness as best i can!

i hope you are able to find some comfort and understanding. i just found this site the other day and have found it to be helpful to communicate with other people on this matter because depression is a very solitary battle.

keep in touch.

**Posts:** 145 · by **egor** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 5:34 pm

I just want to thank everyone for their kind words and advice, I really don't deserve it, but, thank you

.

I'm glad this forum gave me an oppurtunity to post this, I weren't sure if it was the right place, unfortunately I've discovered a new problem of mine, I use too many commas :oops:

.

Thanks 'kathleen' for those pointers (why am I putting your name in quotes?!? Oh well

) . I'm not sure if I can really achieve any of them though, I already find people interesting, but I don't think I could ever value myself, sometimes I find myself vulgur, othertimes boring, but most of the time I just want to beat myself up. Approaching people is a toughy, I mean, it is seriously hard, especially considering I have very valid fears of it just being 'hi....bye....' because I have nothing more interesting to say

. But, not expecting results is certainly something I've always done, its very hard to get my head around me ever changing, or my life changing, I know its wrong for me to envy others, but they seem to eb (is that a word?) and flow through social situations seamlessly. Tend not to receive anything

. I won't go through all of them, I'm not being very nice right now, I never am. But, ack, it all seems very impossible. Still, its very nice of everyone to reply in the way you all have

.

Polyanna, I don't think isolation or food are the answers either, I hate being isolated, but I also hate being around people because they never like me. Problem is it really feels as if I can't do anything physically about either of them, I feel very trapped here right now, and I do mean that almost literally. I'm glad I can relate to you, kinda, thats a horrid thing of me to say, methinks

.

Halcyon, thats exactly how they feel about me, a loser. And I am not imagining it, there's this guy at work who they sometimes backstab, he has done absolutely nothing wrong, but they think he's sad, I'm not very good at talking, but sometimes I say stuff like 'we all act strangely sometimes' (yes, I'm boring... I know...). But, my point is, what do they think about me that I don't know about, then? There is one woman in particular who gave me a rather unsettling look when she started to realise I'm a loser...

This is all very hard where the one place I have an oppurtunity to socialise at is work, and I dread it all the time, it feels as if work is just giving me more and more bad memories to want to cry over, and more times in the future to die before, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, thanks all, i guess, i've been getting quite lonely here

.

**Posts:** 128 · by **Pollyanna** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 7:12 pm

Egor, I think you are very worthwhile. I think you are probably very talented in some very unique way = only YOU can be YOU. You do not need to try to be like anyone else. The world would be less for it. We would lose YOU.

Part of my problem is that my REAL self comes out or is out too much of the time. I am a very sincere person. I know most people have a "SOCIAL FACE" that they show or play while in public, social settings. I used to call this "FAKE" I do not anymore. I realize what a safe and useful tool it is to survive those backbiting, backstabbing, immature people we all have to deal with everyday, especially in some work situations.

But putting that aside - YOU - the REAL YOU - are a beautiful, magnificent, loving and caring and lovable person. I hope you come to realize that.

Remember no matter what those people out there say or do, you do not know what they are thinking. "What you think of me is none of my business." You create your comfort level by what you think. Try to think of all the things you like about yourself or things you have done in your life. I once rescued a kitten. It made me feels so good. I used to volunteer a lot of my time and I got so many neat compliments form the people I visited.

You have some terrific qualities too. List them. Admire them. Thank yourself for them and keep on growing in that way.

The easiest way for me to meet people I like has always been a class or a hobbie that I enjoy or want to learn more about. At least then we have that one thing in common. When I lived in Alaska I started meeting some of the same people in different groups - we became very good friends.

Make a of list (brain storm) of all the places you would like to visit in this lifetime. Make a list of things you want to try. Make a list of all the skills you would like to master. Then pick one and make a plan - how to achieve it. One step at a time. Even if you don't accomplish all the goals, you will enjoy life so much more in the process and meet some kindrid spirits along the journey.

I apologize, I feel like I am preaching at you. I do not mean to. I just feel so paaionate about it. I grew up feeling so shy that I would not sneeze in public for fear of drawing attention to myself. My survival tool was trying to be invisible. It worked for me for about fourteen years. When I really learned to come out of my "SHELL" Life was so much happier, exciting, fun! I want that FUN for you too.

Keep trying ...... you will get there.

Preaching Pollyanna

**Posts:** 145 · by **egor** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 8:38 pm

Pollyanna wrote:Preaching Pollyanna

Testify! Sorry... :oops:

Thanks for your kind words polly, I'm not special in any way though, I used to try to think that I were unique and thus I had something no-one else had, but it always seemed like a lost cause because I couldn't get the thought out of my head that what makes me unique is that I am horrid in every aspect.

Anyhoo, now I'm just whineing... again...

I have, however, learnt to try and not argue against compliments, my 'internet friend' (gagh, I hate using that term) helped me that, took a few years, but, hey

.

Know the feeling about sneezing in public, except its to do with food, which is very annoying because food comforts me, I'm always worried someone will notice me, perhaps for eating messily, I dunno why I have this phobia of eating messily, its getting ridiculous, I seem to be taking way too much care over the way I eat .

The problem is the practical side of joining a group that shares a similiar interest, I simply can't, not just because I can't deal with meeting any more people and being hurt, but, I've kind of gotten into a situation where I'm almost not allowed out of the house, long story, basically it involves it being very unusual for me to go out on my own (its never happened...), even longer story as to how that happened.

Moping now, sorry...

Seriously, you guys and girls here are super-nice , my mum always lead me to believe that psychologists and psychiatrists and depressed people were really cold and not very nice, never understood why, didn't come to believe it myself, but, bleurgh

.

**Posts:** 128 · by **Pollyanna** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 8:00 pm

This is a very personal belief and you do not have to agree with it. I believe everyone ever born on this earth is a part of God. My belief in God is not at all like the Christian teachings. For me God is not male of female. God does not have a body like ours, flesh on bone with arms and legs, eyes and mouth, etc. Although I do believe that body is a miraculous thing. God is the intelligent energy that started all this we call life, the universe, earth and all we finite little human beings are discovering - atoms, protons, electrons, all what we call the laws of pysics, etc.

And that is why you are unique - you are a part of this magnificent whole. And no one can be exactly like you. Without you, that part of the total would be missing. You are an important part of LIFE.

I also believe that my being here is to learn what my part is. It becomes tiresome at times. Truthfully, I think it is difficult when I try to override what the cosmic intelligence is trying to tell me. I think it (God) is trying to communicate with us all the time. I think meditation is some sort of attempt at quieting our ego-brain so we can maybe hear what the GREATER intelligence is trying to communicate to us. I think that is why we feel so calm and good after meditation.

I lost yet another job yesterday - this one lasted only a few days. I think this is the third with this company. I think I have changed jobs oh, I cannot count and I dont want to. My point is I was so depressed Thursday night when I got home from being let go that I slept all day Friday and got up today Saturday at 11 am. Does that make me horrible? I do not think so. I will keep trying to find another job.

When I was very young my two sisters and I went to a fair and we each came home with a gold fish. Later when each sister came down with the mumps her fish died. I never got the mumps and my fish lived a long time. It finally died when a sister was changing its water for me and she accidently dropped the fish into soapy dish water. Well, it took quite a while to find him in the sink. Of course it was too late. I went to bury it in the back yard. I had him wrapped in tissue paper. I have never told anyone this because I thought it was so terrible. I was looking at his little fish body and wondered what his insides would be like....I sqwished (is that spelled correctly) him. I did bury him eventually. But I felt awful. Does that make me a horrible person. I do not think so.

In my life I have done a million self-less things that made life a little bit better for other people. Does that make me a terrific person? I don't think so. I am here. I am human. That alone makes me vulnerable to err. I do a lot more than I want to. But I think my task here on earth is always to become more authentic, more honest and true to my true self - which I believe is that unique part of that God being that includes all of humanity. I think it include you too. All the wonderful things you have done and all the terrible things you have done allow you to learn - to become that authentic self. It is a very private thing. You can disappoint your parents and break laws and you can still learn from those experiences. YOU are a good person and maybe you are learning some hard lessons.

A few years ago I was talking to a person and telling her that it seemed my lessons were so much more easy, gentle, quiet lately. She said, "You have learned to listen." Well, almost immediately I went deaf. My lessons have been soooooooo hard and painful sense that moment. They are so hard, that sometimes I want to quit - like you. I want to die because I think death would end the pain. Every time I have tried suicide - something, someone, for some reason I was always stopped or brought back to life. And ya know, there is a LIFE FORCE deep inside me that does want to live. I cannot explain it ...... maybe it is those times that I was close to being my authentic self. I don't know. I do know I want to keep trying.

I hope you do too.

Polly

**Posts:** 28 · by **Rex** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 10:59 pm

Trying to struggle with the some of the same issues I have found it helpful to remind myself that we are all wonderful, skillful people in side. All we all want is to find love and connection with others. So what makes people appear to be 'unlikable' 'annoying' and 'not fun to be with? Is this not more the skills of dealing with people and not necessary a fault in our actual character. We may get annoyed too easily or judge other people too harshly or maybe we are not tolerant of the their weaknesses when we our selves know that we have many weaknesses. Maybe we weren't so lucky to have had parents or an environment that would teach us these skillls as we grew up. So all we need to do is learn these skills for a more positive interaction with people and then this will give others and opportunity to get to know the real persons inside. Sounds too simple doesn't it.

I read a book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" it was an interesting book as it trys to deal with many of these problems not as a psychology problem or from the perspective that soemthing is wrong with us but more as a skill development activity - the same as going on a course on how to use the internet or Microsoft Word. To me that concept is very empowering.

Just some random thoughts! Good Luck!

Rex

**Posts:** 128 · by **Pollyanna** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 2:25 am

Rex, thanks for the input. Reminds of a quote I read recently:
"Failures are not Faults."
We make mistakes, but we can always learn from them to be better next time in a similar situation. It does not make us a BAD person.

**Posts:** 28 · by **Rex** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 2:54 am

YES!
Exactly....

In the book I mention is also makes the point that...if you are not making mistakes in your life you are not growing as a person. It is only by venturing outside your comfort zone that you will grow as a person and it is often in such circumstances, in unfamillar environments that we are likely to make mistakes - but these mistakes are opportunities for learning and least this shows that we are trying to make a change. Those people that tell you they never make mistakes or always cope in every social situation probably can say that because they are never brave enough to put themselves in a situation in which they feel insecure or in which they doubt their ability to cope.

I remember once when I had a really bad meeting at work an I was really upset - I went to talk about it with my boss and all he said was "the more you are hurting right now the more you are learning and growing as a person". I thought he was mad ....but as time has gone on I have began to understand more what was meant and actually how true it is.

**Posts:** 13 · by **April_A** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 3:19 pm

thanks,Ive read some very comforting stuff here.And at the moment Im having a bit of a difficult time,but Feel with the good advise seen here will help me through.
Its great to know Im not alone or unique in finding life so hard.
Love to all.Ax

**Posts:** 2821 · by **Roger Elliott** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 4:37 pm

On the failure thing, if I feel scared about failing, I remind myself that the only true failure is the failure to try.

Deciding not to try for a good reason, is successful decision making of course! :wink:

**Posts:** 145 · by **egor** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:22 pm

Thanks polly for sharing that, I've always found other's beliefs interesting

.

To help explain things better, its not that I don't think I'm unique, I AM unique, everyone is, its that I think I'm a unique piece of crap. EVERYONE else is more interesting, funnier and heck, just downright more intelligent than me.

I've tried ever so hard to pat myself on the back for 'trying', but every time I do so, I feel repulsed, I find myself very repulsive, I can't explain it, not in a physical way, more of a 'eugh' everytime I receive a compliment, which thankfully is hardly ever.

The thing is, everytime I 'try' I feel an immense amount of pain, so, I don't really see the point in it anymore.

**Posts:** 128 · by **Pollyanna** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 7:40 pm

Egor, what do you enjoy doing either alone or with others?

I am an amateur artist. Not good by any stretch of the imagination, but I enjoy it so much. I love it. If I did not have to eat to stay alive, I could be painting and drawing and searching out new things to capture on canvas all day, everyday, all my life long. I also sew and I love to design costumes for dancers, for plays, and practical stuff for myself and other people too.

Some of my best work has been the result of a mistake. I wish I could show you some examples. It is hard to put visual things into words. Ya kno, "A picture is worth a thousand words."

In social situations, it is more difficult and much more frightening. I agree. Some people can be very hurtful and sometimes even on purpose!

But I agree with what everyone here is saying: Ya gotta keep tryin.

I used to play alot of tennis and racquetball. At first, I accidentally made a good shot. But it felt so good! I did not really know how I did it, buy I knew it was right. Then next - maybe weeks later - I would repeat that same accident. Maybe this time I recognized something in my posture, or foot placement, or the swing of the racquet. Then a few days later, the same thing - I was beginning to learn how to execute that good shot.

I was in a psychology class discussing how to get over social fears......and that idea of accidentally at first discovering how to do something right came to mind. Likethe mouse in the maze. He does not know at first the right way to go. I think he finds the cheese by accident at first. But he remembers from one time to the next.

Please, Egor, don't tear yourself down so much. What do you like - even if you are not good at it. Reading it, looking at it, doing it makes you feel good. With me, if I draw or paint in private, it makes me feel better about myself. No one else may ever see that work - until I die. But I like it. It makes me feel more like getting out of bed.

I am sure that you have somehting that you like or used to like and have not done in a very long tme. Make models of cars? ships? boats? Cook? Bake? Ride a bike? skateboard? Swimming? Read?

Compliments! I used to keep a "Goody Box" of nice things other people had said to me. When I was feelilng "Blue" I would get out that box and read all the nice things people had said about me. If they saw it in me, it must be true. It made me feel better about myself. Try to remember all those compliments you have received and write them down so you can remind yourslelf of them later. You have some very nice qualities. Give yourself credit for them.

Me, pseudo depression and a whole bunch of other 'problems'

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