I’m not sure what category this is under but I need help
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by TheRogueEdition » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:39 am
This is gonna be a long one but I need help and I’ve tried on my own but it just don’t work, I’m out strong enough. I hate myself. I live a kinda f***ed up life, dad left when I was very young, he was extremely mentally abusive and didn’t understand or believe in mental health isssues. He was in the army, where soldiers are told to do something so they would do it. He would then try and incorporate this in home life. I have adhd so I could never stay still when I wa younger so he’d bark orders for me to stop moving my feet and I’d try but the second I took my mind off of it they’d subconsciously start twitching and this would infuriate him. S skip along a few years to when I’m 10, he finally leaves after he was discovered having 100s of affairs at once. So I start secondary school. At first it goes well, I cope amazingly given the adhd, severe depression, ptsd and anxiety. Year 8 goes great aswell to start with, but then roughly halfway through the year I just kinda stopped living. I’d stop going to play rugby, I’d stop talking to my friends, I’d stop getting out of bed and going to school, the will to do anything just faded away. I put on weight and then this sunk me into even greater depression and I started to feel suicidal. So move on a year of stress and depression i stopped going to school entirely. I missed all of year 9 and 10. Then a new opportunity arrived. Internet school. So around about some time then, I’m not really sure when, I must of been about 15 when I was sitting in my room watching porn. Always quite easy going in that aspect, but then I had this weird dark temptation come over me, I remember reading about something called bestialitly. Curiously I dared look it up and stumbled upon a few videos of women having sex with dogs. I don’t remember what I felt at the time but it didn’t gross me out or make me feel sick. It’s all abit of a blur now but this all continued for roughly another year. Slowly my life starting changing, I was no longer as depressed or suicidal and I saw all those new doors opening for me. It was going good until the porn got worse. I never really saw viewing animal porn as wrong, I mean I knew it was wrong but it didn’t seem not right if that makes sense. I’m not sure if I felt it then or not but more recenty the same old women and dog wasn’t cutting it so I started branching out into other things. Much more hardcore things, all still with animals, I should add nothing gory or child related. SO now I’m 17, and all this guilt is starting to hit me. I’ve tried my best to stop on my own but it’s to hard. I will never go to family with these problems for I fear the embarrassment would drive me over the edge. The guilt comes from the fact that I know it’s so wrong and whenever I’m not in a hormonal fuelled sex drive I hate myself but in that moment it just seems so right. But then after I feel like a piece of human sh**. I don’t know whether my attraction stems from not ever really having female company or me still being a virgin but it’s eating me alive. More seriously recently I was at a caravan holiday park with my mum brother and little sister. On one day when we were there I dont remember why but my sister who’s 9 has taken my phone. Obviously me being much older and stronger I could have easily taken it back but instead I chose to play wrestle with her to try and get it back and then the worst thing happened, I got an erection. I was horrified knowing that my f***ed up brain was now attracted go my own little sister. This spun me back into abit of a rut. Moving on a few months I tried even harder to not give in to temptation and start a fight so I could wrestle her and just be around her I guess. But no matter how hard I tried my hormonal brain would just take over and I’d snap. I’d wreslte then walk away to my room and masturbate thinking about her. I tried my best not to but as soon as I came all I can think about is her no matter how hard I try to focus on other things. So a few months later and this is now. Although I would never ever actually try anything wirh her I hate this disgusting feeling I get for her. She’s my little sister, I’m supposed to protect her and care for her where and she trusts me but she has no idea on my horrible minds f***ed up thoughts. Everyday I stoop lower and lower into a rut again where I am n the brink of being suicidal again. Bestiality and incest. How f***ed my brain is. I just need some help figuring out how to stop these thoughts and feeling and most importantly how can I know something’s so wrong but it feels so right. Why does my brain tease me and toy with me, randomly putting disgusting thoughts and images in my head. Please any help at all would be amazing, I feel as though I’m running out of options so I turn here. Please help.
- TheRogueEdition
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by forestcritter » Thu Dec 14, 2017 12:59 pm
I think a big part of your problem is how much you are beating yourself up over feeling these things. Your specific issues with what you are getting turned on by aren't necessarily garden variety, but invasive thoughts (thoughts which you deem as bad but seem to enter your head whether you want them to or not) are quite common for people with issues like anxiety or depression, or just overly sensitive people. I get invasive thoughts a lot which I used to find very alarming until I realized that invasive thoughts are a legitimate thing that happen to people.
It's important for you to realize that none of this makes you a bad person. You haven't done anything to actively hurt anyone else yet, and more importantly you don't want to hurt anyone. If you were actually "bad" if there is such a thing, you wouldn't be feeling extreme guilt over your perceived mistakes and be constantly worried about how your behavior or thoughts are aligning with your own morals. If you're that worried about your morals then you are likely actually a very good person who cares a lot about their actions and how they affect other people.
As far as the porn goes and the arousal by things which you don't want to be aroused by, probably the most important thing is for you to just stop beating yourself up so much about it. People can get into a cycle with porn where they turn to it when they feel depressed, but then like a drug they need a heavier dose to get the same fix, so with porn they turn to heavier stuff and heavier stuff, until the stuff they're into starts to not align with their own morals, so they start feeling guilty. Then the guilt makes them feel bad and they are driven back toward porn thus creating a vicious cycle. The only real way to get out of this cycle is to stop beating yourself up for watching porn, even the stuff you think you should feel guilty for. You might consider trying to quit it, as this would undoubtedly help your overall mental health, but the key to it would be to first try and love yourself and forgive yourself, and forgive yourself if you make the mistake of returning to it.
You should probably get some professional help if you can, not because there's some terrible thing wrong with you, but because anyone not experiencing all the joy there is to life because of mental health issues deserves some psychological support. There is definitely true joy out there for you but you need to start going easier on yourself and work on loving yourself for who you are whoever that might be.
It's important for you to realize that none of this makes you a bad person. You haven't done anything to actively hurt anyone else yet, and more importantly you don't want to hurt anyone. If you were actually "bad" if there is such a thing, you wouldn't be feeling extreme guilt over your perceived mistakes and be constantly worried about how your behavior or thoughts are aligning with your own morals. If you're that worried about your morals then you are likely actually a very good person who cares a lot about their actions and how they affect other people.
As far as the porn goes and the arousal by things which you don't want to be aroused by, probably the most important thing is for you to just stop beating yourself up so much about it. People can get into a cycle with porn where they turn to it when they feel depressed, but then like a drug they need a heavier dose to get the same fix, so with porn they turn to heavier stuff and heavier stuff, until the stuff they're into starts to not align with their own morals, so they start feeling guilty. Then the guilt makes them feel bad and they are driven back toward porn thus creating a vicious cycle. The only real way to get out of this cycle is to stop beating yourself up for watching porn, even the stuff you think you should feel guilty for. You might consider trying to quit it, as this would undoubtedly help your overall mental health, but the key to it would be to first try and love yourself and forgive yourself, and forgive yourself if you make the mistake of returning to it.
You should probably get some professional help if you can, not because there's some terrible thing wrong with you, but because anyone not experiencing all the joy there is to life because of mental health issues deserves some psychological support. There is definitely true joy out there for you but you need to start going easier on yourself and work on loving yourself for who you are whoever that might be.
- forestcritter
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by forestcritter » Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:58 pm
Also one thing you can do in the short term, which I find helps me when I'm feeling like I'm a bad person for some dumb reason, is to do simple tasks for people. Donate a little bit of money to something, say something nice to someone, offer to help someone, do something selfless but not so huge that you have to stress out over it. For me that means things like having a sponsor child (you are young and may not be able to afford this), being nice to people at work and doing what I can to make them feel like they're having a good day, being sensitive to people's needs, trying to help people if they need help with stuff (e.g. if someone in front of me at the store forgets their wallet I'll pay for their stuff), or trying to help people on this forum, for example, are all therapies for me which help relieve my unreasonable sense of guilt. I don't go crazy with it because that in itself would be obsessive, but a little bit here and there can really help with your sense of self.
Also I recommend watching the Netflix show Big Mouth as I find it really nails the experience of a young man contending with hormones and how they can make you do things that you otherwise would find distasteful. It is funny and adds levity to what can be a very stressful situation similar to the one you're dealing with.
Also I recommend watching the Netflix show Big Mouth as I find it really nails the experience of a young man contending with hormones and how they can make you do things that you otherwise would find distasteful. It is funny and adds levity to what can be a very stressful situation similar to the one you're dealing with.
- forestcritter
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