I do not know where I should turn or if this is even something I can work on but I have very low self esteem and confidence. I have been fortunate in my life and have been very successful. At 36 I have reached the highest rungs of my career ladder. I am probably the most successful member of my highschool class. From my freshman year in college on I have been an overachiever. Most of my deep issues go back to grade school and high-school. As a child I was sick all the time this went back as long as I can remember until my senior year in high school. I missed a ton of school and was always tired and exhausted when I would attend class. I barely scraped through grade school and by the grace of god just barely passed high school. I was always embarrassed back then about not keeping up with the other kids. As a defense mechanism I became a rather violent kid and teen. I was ruthless and would fight at a drop of a dime. I had no loyalty to my friends and never trusted or let any of the kids become close to me. In general I was an absolutely horrible person in grade school and high school.
As I said in my senior year my health issues were resolved. I was only accepted into one College and that was as a provisional. My grades were that bad I had to make it two semesters with a 2.0 GPA Before being considered as a full student. This was a wake up call and I worked as hard as humanly possible. I graduated with 2 degrees and a 4.0 GPA. I also began working out and got myself into great shape.
Once I got into my career field I worked endless hours and received promotions at a lightning pace. My issue is with social interactions.... I literally still feel like that underachieving jerk of a teenager. When I talk with people I feel unworthy, like I am a fraud and that they know how horrible I used to be. I have no contact with anyone anymore from my highschool class and when I see one of them out I literally go out of my way to avoid them.
No matter how much I work out or succeed I still feel like a failure. I constantly feel fat, ugly, and unworthy of any of the things in my life. This feeling continues to grow.