Blowing up for no apparent reason (men)

medusa999 wrote:Any male here may answer. I have experienced this with most of the men in my life. Father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc. You come in or walk by and inquire about something or make a harmless comment, and the man INSTANTLY blows up: Example: Me: Have you seen the *fill in the blank* anywhere? I've misplaced it somewhere........
Husband: HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW WHERE IT IS?????????
Then he comes back when I have disappeared into another room for hours and says: "Are you mad at me?"
Sorry, I don't get it but I am sick of it. I have all but stopped talking to him at all.

Hi Medusa,


Yeah… I qualify. I can take this one. Yes, you are right. Men do that kind of thing all the time. It is habitual. That is one of the reasons why I suppose I can never get married again. It would only lead to such doom as you have pointed out.

And Men do not even mean to be mean or nasty. What is happening is that you are being responded to with a Work Place Habit… a Way Guys Talk To Each Other on the Job. Picture this: a Guy at work says, “Hey Frank, have you seen my adjustable Left Hand Tilted Slot Wrench?” Now, if Frank HAD seen the wrench somewhere, he would be helpful and reply directly to the question – “Yeah, isn’t it over next to the broken vacuum pump… somebody must have borrowed it and forgot to bring it back to you” … probably Frank himself. But if he did not see it anywhere, instead of just saying “No, I haven’t seen it”, which to guys seems kind of rude and dismissive in a funny guy kind of way, he will say “What!? I didn’t know it was my day to watch out for your tools. It’s hard enough keeping track of my own stuff. But anyway, let me know when what you are doing is more important than what I am doing and I will help you look around for it… etc, etc. yes, it seems rude to a Female. But to a Guy, well, he KNOWS he got the other guys attention and that he was not just being given some blunt formula answer like… “No I didn’t See It” which you can say without even thinking about it for a moment…. Like maybe you did see it, if you would take a second to think about it. Well, these guys with their smart and cutting remarks, ARE actually thinking about it, while it looks and sounds like they are being purely nasty.

So guys act the same way when they get home, and it gets them into trouble and causes divorces. And, yes, it is entirely possible that what made you run away and cry, wasn’t even noticed by the guy. He just said the same thing he always says to exactly the same question. With Guys, it’s the Thing to Say…. With women…. Well, “Honey, please sign the Divorce Papers when you have a chance”.

Also, it could be Cultural. In America, in that Great Megalopolis that stretches from Washington D.C. all the way up past Boston, well, people are Traditionally rather gruff with each other. Even the Women. Women give as good as they get. Women are as rude and crude as the men, and it gets THEM into trouble. Brooklyn Girls who go to California have a sorts of Adjustment Problems --- being called to the Principals Office or the Bosses office to answer for why she said this or that, and the answer is really “that is what they say in Brooklyn, and no one gives a big ‘whatever whatever whatever’ about it.

Anyway, If you want to live with a Girl, well, that is fine. Same Sex Marriage is the Law of the Land now, and I think it is great. Girls are more compatible with Girls anyway, from the way I see it. That is if you just want a Roommate.

But if you Love a Guy…. Well, get used to the way Guys Walk and Talk. If he says later that he did not know he said anything wrong, WELL, why are not Believing Him. I don’t know why girls are always fighting this Battle. Do Guys get upset when Girls talk like sissies, and have a million names for the same darn 4 colors, and want to talk about ‘feelings’…. Well, no…. guys Put Up with That Stuff because THEY LOVE YOU.

Try loving Back a little bit… instead of looking for excuses to go to divorce court. After all, if the Guy doesn’t even know he did anything wrong, well, how WRONG could he possibly be? (It’s something like a Chinese Tourist picking his, or her, nose in a Restaurant, from what I read… from their own Cultural View, they have no idea how Gross, Disgusting and Worse Than Death that is).

Anyway, constructively. Try not to get offended. Behave equitably and rationally. If such responses are truly a DEAL BREAKER with you, then, without emotion, and calmly, tell your Husband or Boyfriend, “Look, I am not mad at you, for talking like a guy. You are a guy and you talk like a guy. But this is a nice home. This not the Machine Shop at Work (or wherever). We may have kids someday. So, please, make an effort to just use Polite and Affectionate Phrases when speaking with me, Okay?” and calmly look him in the eye. Not like you are his Wife or his Girlfriend. To make a guy listen, you have to Suddenly be like his Mother. Mother’s don’t go off to their room and Cry! Mother’s take the opportunity to teach their Children Manners. Believe me, men are USED TO being taught Manners. That is what their Mothers did, and they will only be expecting you to do the same. But running off and crying…. Well, that is very disturbing for guys. You think you are upset. When a Wife runs off and cries about every little thing, well THE MAN is also thinking about getting a Divorce. It cuts both ways. If you don’t love him, then why in blazes should he love you?

medusa999 wrote:You come in or walk by and inquire about something or make a harmless comment, and the man INSTANTLY blows up...

Not all men are like this. Some women are. It isn't a gender divide, it's about unresolved anger issues. If you've had this experience with every man in your life, it's about the kind of man you choose to get involved with. I'm guessing your father had a short fuse, too?

@Candid--I typed "Most". Not "all". My father was unbearable most of the time, yes. And I spent a LOT of time in my room as a kid.
@Leo V. I didn't run away and cry. I am not a crier. What I DO is go off by myself and plan my revenge. LOL!! The point is is that it is getting to be annoying enough to where I just might get angry enough to put his beloved smart TV through the window. Also, it is interesting that you mention the Eastern seaboard. THAT is where I am from!

medusa999 wrote:@Candid--I typed "Most". Not "all". My father was unbearable most of the time, yes. And I spent a LOT of time in my room as a kid.
@Leo V. I didn't run away and cry. I am not a crier. What I DO is go off by myself and plan my revenge. LOL!! The point is is that it is getting to be annoying enough to where I just might get angry enough to put his beloved smart TV through the window. Also, it is interesting that you mention the Eastern seaboard. THAT is where I am from!

[quote="medusa999

@Leo V. I didn't run away and cry. I am not a crier. What I DO is go off by myself and plan my revenge. LOL!! The point is is that it is getting to be annoying enough to where I just might get angry enough to put his beloved smart TV through the window. Also, it is interesting that you mention the Eastern seaboard. THAT is where I am from! [/quote]

OOOHHHH! Hi Medusa…. Home Girl!

Darn! I thought you were from the Midwest of something, and just didn’t understand where your husband was coming from. But you do (as you say… you are not running away to ‘cry’… you are running away to plot your Revenge… like any respectable East Coast Girl). I miss YOU GIRLS so much. One of my Fondest Memories…. I am not kidding… is that I was so drunk that I left Local Diner while forgetting to pay. So the Waitress followed me home. When I got out of my cheap junky young man’s car, there she was with a 357 Magnum Smith and Wesson Revolver stuck in my face. And she said as politely as a Saint, “Well, Sweety, do you think you forgot something?” Oh! She was the cutest thing… not taller than 5 foot 3, and light enough to blow away with a huff and a puff, but she had me Down Cold. Drunk or not, I am still Glib and Congenial, and gave her a twenty dollar bill for her confidence, and agreed to go back to the diner and go through all the appropriate ‘Paying the Bill and Leaving a Tip’ rituals, in order to preserve my Respectability… it was a Big Tip!

But that episode left me with a lasting impression of how tough the East Coast Girls are. The Guys really need to watch out…. If the Mafia doesn’t kill you, then some Girl might… leaving an empty wallet for the police to ponder.

Oh, Medusa… during the day, I actually remembered something… well Two Things. First: at Work, operating Dangerous Machinery, an Old Guy will train a New Guy on how to Operate Everything. It will all be calm and placid, smooth and gentile, but the Moment that the Old Guy even THINKS that the New Guy might reach for a button or turn for a setting that could have dangerous consequences, WELL, the Warning can be Loud and Gruff… because, well, it has to be. Human Beings have a wide Span of Vocal Tones for a Reason. A guy can talk softly and calmly when nothing is really important, but when it is about Life Or Death, then it is “Don’t Touch That” in a tone which would make the New Guy feel like an idiot. But guess what? Unless the New Guy is sexually confused or something, well, he shrugs and takes it…. After all, he DID reach for the dangerous button, didn’t he? Pragmatic Practicality trumps all with Guys.

Now, yes, his tone might just be coming out of stress and fatigue (maybe you don’t realize how much crap a Proud Man has to swallow, in America, in order to bring home a Pay Check). Yeah, they treat you Okay at Work… but the Boss wants to … well, the Boss ‘thinks’ about you and does not want to limit his options with you by being mean and nasty with you… like with all the Men who he would fire in a second without the least remorse – fire the guy and eat a big dinner and have a good night’s sleep. Anyway, maybe you don’t realize how frustrating and humiliating it is to be a Guy trying to bring home a sufficient paycheck.

So, if your Husband come home and is still a little bit jumpy, well, treat it like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome…. Like he just got home after being shot at by Taliban and waving through traffic to avoid Improvised Explosive Devices. Guys have it hard. Boss hate guys. You need to show some patience… I say with all respect. NOW, I know that you are a Tough Chick…. I know where you are from…. You have your Pride….GOD BLESS YOU…. But your Husband is living in a harder world than yours. You don’t know it, but people cut you a lot of slack… and only just because, well…. You know… They Just Want To Get In Your Pants… you’re a Big Girl… you know that. Your husband does not have that same advantage. He is working Hard for the Money, and, yes, it takes its toll.

Yes, you are used to the Old Dating Days when he would coo loving words to you like some Love Bird Pidgeon… God Bless Him and cherish those memories, but DATING and REAL LIFE are different.

So, well, I HATE to go South in all of this, but, really, for the sake of your Marriage, could you try to understand and “STAND BY YOUR MAN”… and try to forget all those annoying fiddles and banjoes…

BUT… if he really steps out of line…. a half way decent revolver only costs about $350 bucks. If he taxes your endurance too much, then wave the gun in his face and tell him the New House Rules, with a pleasant smile on your face.. like a waitress going after a Check Jumper where she doesn’t know whether it was just forgetfulness or intentional (and she finds out just by the look in his eyes). Oh, in other parts of the Country, a guy might feel unduly upset with having his life threatened with a gun… but if he is a local boy, then he should already be used to it… or get used to it fast enough.

Hey, Medusa… I am a tough and proud guy, and think that Guys should be King of the House, but, just like in CHESS, the Queen has a Million more Moves than the King does. The HOUSE belongs to the Girl. It’s always been like that. The Girl Raises the Kids and Throws all the Parties and the Guy sits on his butt and watches TV. The BOSS of the House is the Wife. You can make the Rules… but, PLEASE, use your discernment and consideration… guys DO have it tough… cut your Man some slack..