Dealing with self worth

Ok few years back something wierd happened to me. I think I had a severe breakdown and depression a counsellor stated I just fell flat on my face after psychic experiences, three deaths in six months, divorce and a home sold. I couldn't do work, I couldn't get out of bed, I mentally could not make a decision, I heard really dark thoughts that scared me, my heart was murdering me. I also lost my so called best friend and they turned my friends away from me because I was mentally really ill and exhausted. I got back to health but because my friends rejected me, I rejected myself mentally and I just want me back. I'm a nice person and I've battered myself this past year. I've not been happy yet and the question is how to build up my self worth???? At home my mum just constantly nitpicks at me so much I feel not human, I can't think nicely it's better than it has been. I feel shame that I lost all my friends and I feel like a horrid person because I'm fearing in my soul constantly. I've never been the same since and I just want to feel love and affection. For past two years I just wanted to not be here but my heart now is on a verge of an attack because my head won't work or say nice things about me. Like I can sit here, my mind ignores that I'm me and I need to be me again mentally. How do you live your own soul? Coz mine feels cold and horrid most days.
I am ready to shift again into love but it's self worth I feel worthless because I don't know how to be loving to me coz I feel abandon and rejected. I feel guilty because it feels like I've pushed people away but not sure why. Thirdly, I feel no one loves me they just want to blame me like a scapegoat and I quite honestly can't deal with it.
I also want to add that, I used to so loving and thoughtful. I'm scared stiff of hurting people I love with my head coz it won't work nicely. It's like I don't know love because of the way I've been treated but I discount my feelings because people just say no it's not like that.
On top of this I lost all my memories and the ability to think of people. It hurts and I'm frustrated, it's now making me numb again. I just want to love my boyfriend and mentally think the world of him but my head does not know how to think properly. I just want to have my soul back in love.
Oh last think, I feel I forgot to know how to live. I'd love a holiday abroad or by a beach just to enjoy nice time for me for a change. All I've known is struggling and rubbish and I just want to be human. Just spiritual war games over me and I'm done with it. I used to be really spiritual and I swore something was trying to possess me but no one believed me. Look any advice on being myself and accepting me and self worth I'm itching for it please n how to love me