serious violent anger

Hi Railybobs,

Welcome to the Forum.

It's good that you've realised it's time to change your response when you think your wife is getting at you, so that you are in control of your life and not the anger controlling you.

This may be very useful for you Get back control over anger

Hello Railybobs,it really seems that you need alot of support at the moment and it is good that you realise that at this stressful time.Becoming a father and all that entails can be at times very overwhelming and stressful and the last thing we need is to feel is that our loved ones are getting at us.Without knowing the details it is hard to give precise help but there are definately strategies that can be used to regain control over that anger.Firstly and most importantly you must remove yourself from the situation.This will prevent bad decisions being made by you while the anger trance is in full swing.So leave the situation and cool off,you may have someone you can talk to get things off your chest?Once you've cooled off you will probably feel tired as anger robs us of energy and can be quite exhausting.This would be a good time to do some 7/11 breathing(what this means is that when you breathe your outbreath is longer than your inbreath,this kicks in the para sympathetic nervous system which serves to relax your whole body).Then when you feel that you have time to give this next piece of advice your full attention,it may even be the next day get a pen and piece of paper and write down all the qualities you love about your partner and also some of the things that she does that you feel are not helpful and the relationship could benefit without. Make sure the second list is shorter than the first!Also make two lists about your positive attributes and positive input that help your relationship.Then write down things that you do and are willing to change that are unhelpful and do not serve the relationship.Find a suitable time when you and your partner are relaxed or you feel the time is right to be able to express yourself in a calm and controlled way,maybe giving your partner some notice and agreeing on a time to talk with her.Work out a system between the two of you where you both get equal time to express those ideas without the other interrupting,this must be respected by both of you for this strategy to work however much we may feel like butting in.Some people use a time limit and others use an object that is passed to the other when they have finished talking.By doing this both of you will realise that there are alot of things you have in common that you both want to be present within your relationship and this time will also be great for you both to express your ideas wants and needs for your future together along with baby.This time can be agreed on future occasions for relaxed discussions and doesn't just need to happen when there is a problem.I have used this strategy myself and have found it to be incredibly powerful in ridding a relationship of unnecessary backbiting and anger and introducing a more calm stable environment which is great for strengthening and maintaining lines of communication which can then be built upon to create understanding and time for one another.Regards Nick H.

it seems apart from the hole where the door used to be that the situation never happened and i don't know whether thats a good thing that my wife is trying to for get it.

I bought some books a few months back and I'm gonna try and read them.

Railybobs -

I do not know if this helps? ok, I am not very good in controlling my anger too. But I have something to share with you.

When you are angry over things. Will it solved the present situation you are in? Will it do any better if you are angry? The answer is no. It only make things worst. I think oneself have to keep telling their mind that,: If I angry and do destruction, its not going to improve the situation at all. It will only make the people around you, you wife and yourself unhappy.