Linnclark wrote: I do not want to be in the position they are giving me but again the $ is good.
No one forcibly put you in that position. You accepted that position as you thought the money was worth the misery. That’s a voluntary choice you made.
You seem to play victim (based on the deleted thread and now this thread). In psychological terms there is a concept called “self-handicapping”. This is where a person uses the “Woe is me, woe is me, look at all I must do in life,” narrative to protect their self image. If they fail to achieve a goal they have plenty of reasons already lined up.
It probably is a good idea for you to take a big step back and reflect on your fundamental values. Really take a hard look at how you are choosing to define who you are. You seem to really focus on defining who you are by what you think you must do for other people. This gives you a false sense of self worth. You seem to want to believe that but for you doing the chores and and bringing home the money, the world for these other people in your life would cease to turn.
Think of it another way. What would happen if you were simply gone? You are here today and vanish tomorrow. After your children, husband, and employer shed a few tears, what would happen? Would they be unable to move forward in life and become destitute vagabonds eventually forced into slavery to “make ends meet”? My guess is a resounding NO!
My guess, is that like every other human on the planet, they would grieve and then life would go on. You are not that important. None of us are so important that the world ceases to turn once we are no longer here.
Stop feeling like you constantly need to prove yourself. Don’t take the test again. It only leads to a continued life of self flagellation and you believing enough is never enough. It just leads to more misery.
My advice is that you need to answer the simple question, “What is enough?”
Once you establish what is enough for you, then have a conversation with your husband. Discuss what you believe is enough in life. He might disagree. Maybe his version of enough includes a yacht, vacations, college funds, retiring at age 50, etc. But his enough doesn’t have to be your enough. Your role in life isn’t to provide what others believe is enough.