guilt about our children!

Hi

2 things spring to mind:

1 - try watching the Supernanny TV programme where she deals with kids that get their parents to breaking point - it may be that by dealing with the kids behaviour you will no longer need to get so angry;

or 2 - see someone to help establish what is at the root cause of your anger and release it, so you no longer feel the need to express it. Chances are you are angry about something totally different, yet when the kids join their 'stuff' on top of it, it takes you over a threshold that you need to let out. Better to get it dealt with to re-set that threshold so they will no-longer trigger you - don't you think?

All the best

Nig

Well thanks for that, I do realise that everyones kids wind them up somewhat I blame my past drinking problems,which I will always be coming to terms with, and the aggression caused by Fluoxetine, I had take it in the evening becasue I could feel my mood change an hour or so after taking it. I have actually studied Child Psychology,psychology and applied psychology, so i have a vague idea why i behave the way I do. I really dont' think I could watch that programme, I've seen the woman before and I did not agree with her ideas at all. My anger with my children is no more than cross words and raised voices they do know they are loved and I know it's my problem to d/w at the end of the day.

Fantastic at how much better you are already!

Whilst you have a vague idea why you behave the way you do - is that enough to enable you to stop that behaviour....

It appears the behaviour is at an unconscious level in the way it comes out, so the only way to address it will be at that level. All learning, behaviour and change are unconscious [although may be conscious at first, until learned].

When someone shouts at you do you feel loved? Would you rather you could deal with your kids without having to do that and then apologise?

only you know the answer to that!

all the best

Nig

Thanks again Nigel, but as you and I both know, you more than I... there are many many theories in psychology, we all believe in different theories, let us beg to differ on this one my friend ! I also know that people I love and people who love me shout at me, I know they still love me and so do my precious children. You see I am such a sensitive person and analyse everything I say and do raising my voice or using the wrong tone to me is enough to make me feel guilty thye probably dont even notice ! I have guilt over many things because of my drink problem, I have to take one day at a time and not be complacent. Regards Antonio

Antonio

It is great that your children know how much you love them. Do you love yourself enough to get the help you need to put that problem behind you.

You may choose a different method and if that works for you - that is all I would wish for!

All I was saying is that if you truly knew what was causing it, you would likely have dealt with it by now - I wish it were as easy as simply knowing what it was intellectually and consciously..... often there is more to it than that.

All the best!

Nig

Nigel, how old are you ? Personal I know, but I am curious ? I am dealing with a problem i have had years and years of problems, therapy, professional medical care for the physical problems caused by my drinking. I know you mean well and are well meaning to give up your time to advise on this site... but !!!!

Hi Antonio - no problem ....

I am 35 years old, married with a 6 year old daughter - if this helps you.

I am unsure what else you need to know, or what this will help you with?

You seem to have difficulty accepting something I have said?

You mention many different theories and thoughts on types of therapy - is there something around that you disagree with me on?

Cheers

Nig

My apologies Nigel I thought you may be a little younger than that. I am 41 and my kids are 6 and 2. I only asked because i thought you may be fresh out of UNI. Sorry mate ! I assume you take the behaviourist approach ? Not one of my faves, though I do see some valid points. As I say it's only because I am so f**ked up that I do get a bit stroppy, that and the Latino temperament from my dad ! That's why i really liked psychology, loads of different opinions. I'm studying at home at the moment.. health and nutrition. I'd love to go back to psychology to do my actual degree ! Where do you stand on Cognitive stuff ?

hey Antonio - no need to apologise - I am fine and one thing that I do know is that 'everybody has a different model of the world'.... it is one of the presuppositions of NLP!

I have heard it said that NLP is a blend of behavioural and cognitive psychology although I have not delved in to either of them to any degree. What I have read appears rather different.

I do not believe in treating client's like they are 'broken' and 'need fixing', so the softly softly approach is treating them with kids gloves and not something that I personally agree with. All behaviour has a positive highest intention, in that it is getting something for that person that they wish to get. Often though, that behaviour can be in a negative form because the unconscious mind will separate the intention from the behaviour and perhaps get one out of line with the other. What I find is that in helping people establish what is the unconscious root cause of their problem and dealing with that - their problem disappears.

I believe that we all have within us the resources we need - usually you do not have to train people in something new to have their problem disappear, but you can guide them through things they already know.

With all patterns of behaviour being unconscious I find that those who rely on consciously thinking their habit away do not succeed - as soon as they are caught off guard and not thinking, or at a 'weak' moment, their unconscious pattern repeats itself.

Not sure if I have already suggested it, but you could look at
www.timelinetherapy.com

which is the site by Dr Tad James who established Time Line Therapy in it's existing form - there is some good background stuff on there. Good because it works in the real world, in real situations time and again IF someone is willing to be guided and follow instructions!! AS the saying goes - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Cheers again

Nig

Thanks for that, we obviously don't see eye to eye Psychology wise, but what you said about leading a horse to water is SO RIGHT ! I was helped financially to have cognitive therapy by a private therapist. I regret it every day because I was not at the stage in my life where I was ready, I ignored the poor woman (who was earning £40 an hour so i can't say that !) but I wasn't willing it was a waste of time. I have had help from others who did teach me something and changed my attitude for life.. I have slipped up once or twice but ... touch wood i am living with my unpleasant bedfellow (alcohol not my wife !!!) and keeping it in check though I know I can never ever go back to what I was.. or very nearly wasn't ! regardes antonio x

I am sometimes upset to hear people talking in such ways - of living with your unpleasant bedfellow .........

When there are ways to leave it behind I am unsure why you would choose that path - your belief that you need to do so is possibly it.

If you are ever seriously ready to consider other alternatives for your life then please look me up. I will be happy to help you, or point you to someone more local, if necessary.

I wish you all the best for the future - it has been good hearing from you.

Nig

WHAT ??? You seriously think that an alcoholic just changes his spots overnight if he wishes ? Do you misunderstand me ? It is part of MY PAST I have no choice about ! If I could remove that part of my brain I would ! I don't know what sort of whacky problem free happy little world you live in but please stay there in the blissful oblivion that you appear to be living in. Unless you've been there waiting for the off licence to open at 9 am and then can boast 10 years later that you are almost sober, healthy, and very fit, then don't . You sound so much like someone I knew, I befriended a suicicidal anorexic in hospital, my partner at the time said 'well she just needs to start eating !' Wow ! The insight !!!! The suicidal anorexic died by the way ! Been there mate seen the trauma and agony that goes on in those places ! Think yourself bloody lucky you are just rambling on about it not there in the bloody thick of it ! Sorry, no hard feelings but wake up and smell the coffee !

There is no point my telling you what you need to hear - I will not go down that route from a faceless chatroom scenario.

My whacky world involves those who seek help, wanting to get rid of a problem without knowing how.

Again - all the best.

Bye!

Nig

All the best to you too ! I am sorry if I have offended you ! Youa re so lucky if you are not depressed, if you have not alcohol ruining your life, if you have not had bad realtionshi0ps and been hurt by the early death of yur parent. I speak as I feel please take me with a pinch of salt !! i am sorry if I have spoken out of turn but no-one will ever agree on psychological theory. Maybe i have a bad attitude, sorry ! Genuinely ! I hope you can forgive me and we can agree to disagree ? Si ?