kjt1 wrote:I guess what motivated me to create this post was my inability to reframe my thinking in regards to him potentially committing suicide. (The word choice "appropriate help" in my feed was referring to the need to help prevent him from committing suicide). He brought this up two times in the days leading to me writing this. We also discuss him feelings towards suicide, he wants me to accept that it is his choice -- and doesn't want me to be devastated by it. Sometimes I feel that the only reason he has not done it yet is because of me; like I am the source of his suffering because of his concern for my well being.
I agree. Arguably one of the toughest beliefs to reframe.
A good start is euthanasia. At what point do we allow a person to end their own life?
We suffer, we cry, we experience emotional pain as we put down the horse with a broken leg or the old family pet that is in such poor health, but a human? A family member? Almost inconceivable. In some belief systems it is a sin. The person must continue to live until they die of “natural” causes, regardless of the suffering they must endure.
For someone with observable physical suffering, for an elderly person with a declining quality of life and condition we begin to revisit our beliefs, but it is not easy. In some places in the world the best they do is stop providing food/water, Euthanasia is illegal, so the person is kept on pain killers, their lips moist, in as comfortable state as possible until dehydration finally takes them. And we call this humane? No, but at least we didn’t sin, right?
And from the above we must still make a big leap from incurable physical suffering to a suicidal person. We think that their suffering is either temporary or curable. We wouldn’t endorse euthanasia for a person with a physical injury that can be healed and the same goes for a mental injury. The problem most certainly being that the mental we cannot see and we cannot know. Therefore we err on the side of caution. We claim that life is worth living, regardless of the mental demons a person might carry.
Again, I agree. I’m not saying suicide and euthanasia are comparable. For euthanasia it is a community decision. It is a shared recognition that the person is suffering beyond reason and that death a moral option. My only point in bringing up euthanasia is that it is a good starting point for helping shift beliefs.
Suicide is not euthanasia. Suicide isn’t about incurable pain. The motive to go down the path is almost always driven by feelings of anger, revenge, and control...hence the suicide note. Your brother talks to you about suicide, because it is a weapon, it is a means of manipulation and control.
I’m not saying his actions are intentional. I’m saying that the path towards suicide is often adaptive. The person has not learned how to achieve control in healthy ways. At some point your brother tried to gain power/control using unhealthy ways. It worked well enough that he used it again, and again, and again until the unhealthy behaviors became the adaptive norm.
Your fear of him ending his life is what gives him power. Suicide is the poor man’s ultimatum. “Accept my conditions or you will feel my wrath.”
Your brother needs therapy to learn other tools to navigate problems. These are probably not tools that you can teach him.
What you can do is encourage him to seek therapy, tell him he needs more tools, more life skills, and at the same time not allow him to use suicide as a tool. Reframe your beliefs towards acceptance that it is your brothers decision and if he was to go down that path it is 100% on him, not you. You stay true to the belief that there are other tools he has available, that he can learn. If he chooses not to seek out those other tools, that’s on him, not you.