Ok... It's really difficult to explain my situation in short, but I will give it a try anyway...
When I was born, I would not stop crying for almost even a second, I was sleeping about an hour in 24 hr period and drove my parents crazy. I was extremely advanced child; and always a few years ahead of my peers, but I was very stubborn, needy and caused a lot of headache to my parents, and because of that I used to get beaten regularly. To this day I don't know whether to blame my parents for lack of patience on their part, or not. I hate my childhood, and hated it while I was growing up. As much as my parents didn't know how to handle me, they were very protective, so I was never allowed to do the same kinds of things as my friends. I wasn't kept a prisoner; they were just very strict. Because of that, and the fact that I was a bit chubby as a kid, I got teased a lot, and I got bullied by my "friends" all the time. They used to beat me, too, every occasion they got. Beatings kind of stopped when I started high school, mostly due to the fact that I was able to defend myself. Between ages of 11-14, my country was in war. My family was very hungry, we had no running water, no electricity, nothing. We lived in our basement for the most part, hiding from bombs. I guess that has to be another thing that formed my anger into shape it's in right now.
After my first boyfriend and I broke up (was 18 at that time), I ran into, by accident, to my 5th grade crush, whonever really wanted to have any kind of relationship with me. He just wanted to hook up, and when he realized I wasn't interested, he tried raping me, but somehow I managed to get away ftpm him.
I was single for a while, until my high school friends kind of pushed me into a relationship with what I thought was not a very handsome dude. After 4 months, and wanting to break up 10 thousand times, I gave in and lost my virginity to him. After that he became abusive and started hitting me- first was slap over my face, a month after another one, and then he started using his fists to beat me whenever I'd say no to something... I was tolerating this for over a year, and I don't even know why. Now when i think about it, I believe i felt that I desrved it and that because of all the beatings i got as a kid that this was normal.
After I finally told my Mom about the beatings, she made sure that the guy never crosses my path again (my Mom called his parents and threatened with the court).
After this, things kind of started going down, and I started hooking up with more and more guys, in search of a perfect one that would understand me and saved me from all the bs I'd gone through... I graduated feom university, got a job and tried living a normal life, but wasn't able to find a boyfriend due to the bad reputation. I also ended up not having any true friends, it was really hard for me to form a relationship with anybody who didn't 100% agree with me. As far as I can remember, I had anger issues, periods of depression (Itried commiting suicide in 8th grade by taking a box of my Mom's anxiety pills, but ended up just sleeping for 3 days), outbursts if anger where I'd just flip out, scream at the top of my lungs, break stuff, cut myself. I'd started developing bulimia, and then anorexia, but managed to get my life back on tracks after over a year of purging food. I got married at 28, to a guy that lived in a different country. I thought that he was my saviour and would give me a chance to get away from everything. I am still married to him (6 yrs now), but I am not a happy person, not a happy wife. If things are not the way I want them tobe, I am upset. He doesn't understand me and what I've been through, and as soon as my mood goes a bit down he gets angry with me and we end up having a fight. I am so tired of my anger, unresolved issues, falling into depression, etc. I got so upset with him earlier today, that I threw his PS4 joystick against the wall and broke it, and this happened 4 hrs after the argument when he left the house to go out and play tennis with his friends... I am so mad I wan't to just destroy everything around me and I want to seriously hurt him for not listening to me, not being able to understand me, provoking me, and not caring about me at all. Because that IS what he's showing every sungle day- that he doesn't want to even try to understand/ help with my issues.
I have tried teraphy- did not work, have tried medication, but had to get off because I am trying to get pregnant. Is there a book/ workbook that somebody can recommend for me, something that'll teach me how to cope with whatever diaorder it is that i have...
Please help.